What to do/say about this?

[ChangedName37]

Name changed so as not to out myself but long time MN'er.

There's no way of sugar coating this really - my oldest friend has been taking crack and heroin for the last 5 years "recreationally". She had always managed to function (just about) but in the last year has totally hit rock bottom.

She has been with a guy since October who is also a crack addict, she's living in squalor and they have no job between them. It realky is dire.

I've tried to talk to her, she's in denial and pushes anyone away that voices their concerns, so although I've distanced myself alot I have maintained contact as I care about her alot and want to know she's okay.

Anyway, one of our friends has just had a baby, and I am due to give birth in 4 weeks. This friend has now been talking about wanting a child herself. She brings it up whenever I see her and seems totally oblivious to the fact that she is a drug addict and in such a horrendous situation!
She has said she'd stop taking all drugs / smoking etc if she got pregnant, and has also said that her "bf" doesn't want kids but that they're not taking any precautions.

I know it's technically a hypothetical situation, and not actually anything to do with me, but I can't help me so angry and anxious at the thought of her possibly getting pregnant. She would be a terrible parent, unless she got her drug addiction under control before TTC, but I also find it very demeaning to myself and our other friend who has just had a baby to say she wants one. As if it's a decision to be made willy nilly and something to just "do" without changing lifestyle first.

Am I meant to just sit back and watch this car crash unfold? If she did get pregnant and was taking drugs would I be right to call SS? What the hell do I do with this information?!

I would just back away out of her life. No announcement or declaration. Just focus on your own baby. Tell her you can't meet up. Breastfeeding/teething/temperature/vomiting bug. Just reverse out of a drug addicts life. I don't think watching her will make it any less of a car crash. Poor woman.

Isn't it a helpless feeling? Drugs addiction is cruel and horrendous. I think you're right to distance yourself but checking she's ok. You probably can't influence her choices. She will do as she pleases but I agree it's unwise of her to bring a child into this. SS will probably be all over it anyway. Drug addicts will only get help to get clean when they are ready themselves. Pressuring them into it will just result in lies (I'm not suggesting you are pressuring her). You sound like a kind friend. The spiral she is in will cause you pain if you are too involved, look after yourself and your baby x

Thanks wanna and jk - it's so hard. I feel I've been really balanced the whole time with it all - she knows my concerns and I certainly don't enable or facilitate the way others have done, but I also don't try to talk about the addiction with her anymore as I know she'll just cut me off. Because of the way I've been I know she opens up to me more than others, but then I just feel sick when I get home at the prospect of what's to come.
I don't think it'd be possible to cut her off entirely - we've known each other since we were born! Our families are really close, infact she is more like family than a friend. I'm often at her parents house and she speaks to my mum on the phone regularly.
I know I need to do what's best for me and baby and this is actually making me feel so stressed.

Bless you. How difficult for you. You obviously care about her a great deal. There isn't an easy or obvious answer. It's her life and she's trapped in this addiction just now. As I said before you need to concentrate on yourself and your baby. I do know this situation is helpless and heartbreaking x

JK thank you so much just for listening - it's hard to speak to people about it IRL as any of my colleagues or other friends would be completely horrified by it. DH is good but he knows how much it gets to me and he just gets upset about it.
It really helps just being able to voice my concerns on here and someone listen, so thank you! She is such a bright, kind, wonderful person with so much to offer and had a great start in life. I can't understand why she's chosen to go down this route.

I don't think anyone can say for sure why she's chosen this route.... or why any addict chooses that route; but she will not be honest with you or be serious about changing until she makes up her own mind to do so. You are obviously a true friend to her, and lovely, but really it is up to her, sad as it is. If we could all influence addicts to change their lives and sober up, there wouldn't be any!! You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't make her do better.

You sound really concerned for her, but she does not sound concerned for herself.

mumndad - thank you , and you're right, she isn't concerned for herself at all. At another time in life I would have totally wanted her to be godparent (equivalent) to my DC and would have been so excited to have her involved in everything, but now I can't even get happy about her coming to visit as I'm concerned she has drugs on her, remnants on her clothing, that she hadn't slept, that she's high or on a come down etc.
I know there's no answer but thank you for listening x