Can't seem to let it go, too late to take action?

[hatti6754]

I've been with my OH for 3 years and we are expecting our first baby together in October. V v happy and excited and our relationship is great bar one thing that has played on my mind since Christmas that I can't seem to shake.

My OH went out for the night with his friends and ended up getting stupid drunk. I didn't hear from him until 12.30pm the next day and he also didn't go home that night (this is before we lived together so I didn't realise until I spoke to him). He told me he got really drunk, met a guy in a casino and ended up going back to his house 20 minutes or so from us, carried on drinking and fell asleep with a dead battery. This was honestly fairly believable with him in the beginning as before we were together he had a tendency of getting really drunk and ended up in random places (this all stopped once we got together and was the first incident of its kind in our relationship). I was really angry and upset with him as I'd been so worried but after a row and some coldness from me for a day or so we made up and moved on. Fast forward a week later and he left his phone in his room whilst he had a shower. For the first time ever I thought I'd check and see, as I still had some niggling doubts about the week previous (don't judge the phone checking - we've all been there, done that). In his WhatsApp calls were 3 calls on the night he went out to his ex girlfriend. One was her calling for 1.30 mins, then him half hour later for 3 minutes then her calling her an hour later for 10 minutes. I checked the profile of her on WhatsApp and she was muted at a time of 1.30pm the next day (the time he got in). I confronted him straight away which resulted in me walking out of the house and a row that lasted a good few days. He claims it was nothing, he had seen her on the train up there and was just drunk so didn't want to seem rude when she called him etc. I was obviously upset and hurt as he'd gone missing that night so I accused him of being at hers which he denies and still denies to this date. I've bought the situation up about 2 times since then when I've been having down days and feeling anxious. Still very much denial and there is no way on earth that that would've happened and he would've never done that to me.

Thing is, it's been nearly 8 months and I still don't know what to believe. Did he go back to hers? Did he sleep with her? Is he telling the truth? Why did she call him in the first place? Questions I ask myself all the time I have no answer for!

It honestly runs through my mind once a day and is really bringing my mental health down as I really don't think hes telling me the truth. I do trust him but I just don't see how it didn't happen. Which is really upsetting because in every other aspect of our relationship I can't fault him and obviously we are having a baby together so I really do want things to be good.

Do I sweep under the rug and forget? Go off my instincts and sack him off? Message her and see what happened?
I don't know but I do know I need to get this out of my head as it's affecting me every damn day.

Sorry for long post x

Big hugs. It's not a nice situation to be in. And yes we've all done the phone thing. Honestly I couldn't let it go. I always doubt as I've been cheated on before. I'll never trust. Wish I could offer more advice. Are you able to contact the ex? Would she tell you the truth?

@cookie75 I always try to see the best in people but have been taught never to trust someone 100%, only 99% and that's what I've done my whole life. I've never fully trusted anyone as I think everyone has the potential to screw you over. In regards to messaging the ex, I would absolutely LOVE to but for fear of her coming back and saying something like "no comment" and then telling her friends about it. One of them is a very good mutual friend of mine through my OH (the two women went school together) and I don't want everyone knowing my business. 🙁 I really don't know which way to turn. X

You are never going to know the truth OP. Only you can decide whether you can live with that or not. If you stay you will have to put this behind you and move on as you've no proof of anything and you'll drive yourself mad otherwise. Not easy

It must have been shortly after this happened that you got pregnant. I hate to ask, but is this a "fix it" baby?

Deep down inside do you think he's trustworthy or not? Do you like being with him? Would you have stayed together if you weren't pregnant?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

@RunRabbitRunRabbit I concieved the week before this happened but actually didn't find out I was pregnant until 10 weeks so definitely not a fix it baby and more of a surprise.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him after this which really does upset me. I think if I had been able to move on and sweep it under the carpet I would've done so months ago, it's been 8 months since it's happened and I still think about it constantly.
There's other evidence that points towards him going back to hers, as in I know where she lives and my friends BF is a local cabbie who said a lad with his description was picked up from that road Sunday morning by his mate at the time he called me from a cab (friend did some digging, she's the only one who knows. I didn't ask her to find this out she took it upon herself to ask him).

Just wish I knew so I could decide to stay or go. x

They calls to her would be enough for me. There's no reason he would be doing that really unless he was upto no good.

@Funnyonion17 in your opinion would it be too late now though to turn around and say it's over after its been 8 months? He may have questions as to how I've been able to live a normal life and let it slide for 8 months and now just randomly end things? (He doesn't know that it's been affecting me as much as it has). I'm not going to lie, I'm also very scared of being alone with a baby due in 8 weeks. 😪 (I would never stay with him though out of fear of being alone as I know this would only be temporary) I really don't want to not be with him but I don't know how I'll ever get answers.

Oh goodness, what a shitty situation. I don't think you'll ever get an answer from him. People are too good at lying.

You sound super strong whatever choice you make! It doesn't sound good though OP xxx

It is never too late to say it is over.

This is awful for you.

I would be tempted to speak to the ex. So what if people find out. You have done nothing wrong. Though if it was just a text I would suspect she would lie or ignore.

Honestly, if it was me I would have dumped him there and then. The evidence seems overwhelming that he was with his ex, tbh I'd probably have dumped him on the basis of the calls alone. Only you know what you deem to be acceptable in your relationship, but it is never too late to end it. Hope it all works out for you

Do not involve the ex!
Exes should stay in the past tbh.
I wouldn't have tolerated him calling his ex out of fear for being rude. How does he still care about what she thinks?
I'd proba5check his phone again and bring it up again. Tell him how you feel and that exes should stay in the past and not the current relationship unless of course he'd rather be with her!
It's not too late to bring it up again. Tell him you can't trust him because he's called his EX!
Who does that???

No itsnot to late. You need to at leadt try and resolve this. I would speak to ex, if no joy there, have a frank convo with him about how this is affecting you. I would give him one last chance to confess before deciding what to do.

Can you not ask the mutual friend? She might already know.

Knowing how hard it is with a new baby, I would let it drop - trust him once but see what happens. But I am a very much pick your battles sort of person.. right now I think you should just be aware but move on.

Hmm it's never to late to change your mind. I would honestly call his bluff, say you will ask the ex and see if she confirms it. Yes I know it's extreme but it's a bullshit excuse that he didn't want to be rude. You don't ring your ex three times after a night out unless your after something!

Just say to him that this is really troubling you, more than he thinks. Say you're deciding whether you can stay with him with these doubts in your head. Make sure he knows you mean business.
Ask him one final time what happened. Meanwhile, talk to her too. She probably won't be much use but I'd do it anyway.
If he still claims not to have done anything you need to decide whether you can drop this. If you can't, then there's no point carrying on. Why continue to have these doubts? It isn't good for your mental health. If you think you can drop it and move on, do that. Every time you find yourself thinking about it say to yourself 'it's in the past now' and carry on with what you're doing.
By the way, when confronting him, I hope he is reassuring and not angry. If he knows something's upsetting you he should want to make you feel secure.