Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hate my husband

15 replies

Fatebook · 29/07/2017 20:50

Only married 4 years. 2 dc. Feel utterly heartbroken and alone. He is everyone's favourite person, the most popular man you could imagine. I'm the more serious/ hard one. Except I'm not really, and behind closed doors he is increasingly horrible to me. Criticises the way I parent, puts pressure on me to be 'fun', tells me I'm boring because I don't want to drink any more (I'm too tired, haven't slept for more than a few hours for nearly a year now). I went back to work at 12 weeks with dc2 as we need my wage, but he criticises me for not leaving the children more, comparing me to his friends' wives who all like going out and partying. He makes me feel like nothing I do or am is good enough and that I am a disappointment to him. But I feel disappointed too that he is so disinterested in actually being a family man. He puts on a show of it in front of people but the reality is that he never does a night waking, never has, if I leave him with the dc they barely get fed and he will not follow any routine at all so I come back to exhausted starving children who are distressed. He then tells me they're only like that because I never leave them. So everything is my fault. I hate him. Hate what he has turned me into. Hate that I am trapped with him, and hate that everyone we know thinks I'm the luckiest woman in the world being married to mr charming. No one would believe me if I told them the truth. I feel so alone.

OP posts:
delftblue · 29/07/2017 20:51

I think you'd be surprised as to how many would believe you really. There are a lot of men out there lile this and it's fairly easy to spot that they're putting on a show.

Is there a reason you can't leave?

jeaux90 · 29/07/2017 20:55

I'm a single mum and believe me life is way easier than being in a shitty relationship.

What's stopping you from telling him it's over?

Shayelle · 29/07/2017 20:57

Why are so many men so fucking horrible?
Flowers for you op xx

Whatcanido13 · 29/07/2017 21:01

Really feel for you. I can't really advise much other than to try and sit down and go through all this with him (maybe leaving out the hate part!). I bet he thinks you are gorgeous and funny and sexy and loves you loads but just hasn't been communicating this properly. You're doing a fantastic job as a mum and working too!!! Sleep deprevation is real though and if he hasn't been pulling his weight you need to get him to start. I hope you guys can have a good conversation about all this. Good luck

cheapskatemum · 29/07/2017 21:03

What was the relationship like before DCs came along, Fatebook? It seems many of your current difficulties relate to how you each manage now you have children.

AdoraBell · 29/07/2017 21:04

How are you stuck with him?

chips4teaplease · 29/07/2017 21:07

Do you have parents? Would they take you and the children?

Fatebook · 29/07/2017 21:10

I thought we were v happy before the children came along, but looking back I don't know if I really knew him that well at all. I feel like I've seen the real man since the DC arrived, and he hasn't been the father I thought he would be. I know I haven't been the mother he thought I would be either - he blames me for the poor sleep because I breastfeed, and constantly tells me that all our friends have babies that go to sleep for 12 hours while they have lovely dinners and drinks etc. Makes me feel like utter shit. Like everyone else is out having cocktails and I'm just messing it all up and am a disappointment. He is nice to me about 60% of the time and then it all falls apart again and he tells me the truth about what he thinks about everything and it's horrible. I am not saying it's all his fault, I am tired, and not very loving, and I feel shit about myself still carrying baby weight 10 months later etc. I feel like a mess. But I feel totally unsupported by the person I thought was going to be on my team. It's just so miserable. And we have talked about it and he really doesn't see my point of view and just launches into a heap of criticism of how negative and depressing I am. So I just can't do anything right. I am so sick of it.

OP posts:
Applebloom · 29/07/2017 21:16

Do you really need him at all? Sounds like he's trying to justify his lack of interest in parenting by putting down any effort you make. Wants you to party more bring you down to his level of below par parenting!
You being there for your kids needs is showing up his shitty ways and be knows it.
Who doesn't feed or care properly for their own kids?

My ex was similar left him with DC for 9 or so hours he didn't feed them after I'd made breakfast, it was supposedly my fault for not returning to feed them. DC had to fend for themselves on dry cereal.

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 21:17

If you're not able or willing to leave right now, you need to find a way to cope with him.

Some of the following might work...
When he criticises you, walk away or ask if he's got any more to say and would he prefer to write down all you so called negative points, so you can just read them next time and save him the trouble.

Or tell you find his manner increasingly unattractive and hard to impossible to be intimate with a man who thinks so poorly of you.

I found once that my DH was critical, but said it like a joke. So I'd just say.. "I know you default to criticism, bring in on"... I think it embarrass him and he stopped.

Or I'd said, if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything.

I made a point of highlighting everything negative and he soon stopped.

Ask yourself husband why he's still married to you and if he thinks so poorly of you.

Men like him put on a show and see marriage and family as a status symbol. They really aren't that interested.

You only get one life and I'd think carefully about staying the next 10 years or so with an ungrateful critical idiot.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 29/07/2017 21:26

A quote I read somewhere recently "Street Angel, House Devil" - this would describe your husband.
My ex-husband was a se husband, and, subsequently, a se father. I left, with my daughter. Wasn't easy but we survived!
Think, and prioritize yourself and your children.
Best Wishes.
On Kindle, so can't "do" a bunch of flowers for you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2017 21:44

Street angel, house devil indeed is apt for this man you are with. Abusive men are often plausible to those in the outside world as well although some people may have their suspicions about him. He was probably "nice" just long enough to properly draw you in.

The worst thing in life is to be with someone who makes you feel alone as he does. What you're describing here is death by 1000 cuts.

You are not trapped with him, you just think you are because of a perceived lack of options. Womens Aid can and will help you leave; you need a plan to leave and they can help. Their number is 0808 2000247.

Do not make this relationship your children's norm going forward; they are not going to thank you for doing that to them. They as well as you deserve better.

Whatcanido13 · 29/07/2017 21:48

I'm not Guna lie, getting my son to sleep through the night changed my life. I ebf and then at 7 months pp he was waking every 2 hours and I was exhausted and it was seriously impacting my mood. I couldn't function on that sleep and as he wouldn't take a bottle I had to get up. Decided to cut out night feeds and move him into his own room...2 nights of crying going to bed and he started sleeping Through. I continued to ebf until 10 months and it was all fine during the day , he just stopped waking at night! I know loads of ppl will say it's not for them (to go cold turkey on feeds at night ) which is fair enough but I think once it started impacting my mood and therefore relationship I thought something had to change. If you had a few nights good sleep you would b shocked at how different the rest of your life would look (not agreeing with your husbands behaviour , just sharing my own experience)

GlitterSparkles17 · 29/07/2017 21:53

He sounds like he wishes he never had kids, he wants to be out partying and having cocktails rather than be with his wife and kids at home? Charming 😒
Your doing a brilliant job and he's just bringing you down, HES the negative one not you. Have a long hard think about why you are with this "man" when you could be so much happier without him. Your not trapped believe me. If it's money your worried about there are lots of options that would help you plus you would receive maintenance from him.

cheapskatemum · 01/08/2017 19:24

Thanks for replying to my question, Fatebook, I had a hunch that might be the case. I have PM'd you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread