Help/advice please.

[Bop33]

Hi everyone,

I posted a thread before last year, I was in quite a bad situation then but it's got worse as time as went on and I'm feeling very lost. I dread going to bed at night, not only will I not sleep but as it gets bright I dread what that day will bring.

I'm a single parent to a 16year old. I'm 34 and work more or less full time, that in itself is an achievement for me every day. I'm 34 and feel my life is over. I'm going through the motions every day for the sake of my daughter, who is a great child, I'm very proud of who she has so far become. If it wasn't for not wanting to affect her future however I would've been gone a long time ago. Iv failed in My own life. I have no family support, have withdrawn myself from any friends I do have. I owe money to people, which has me overcome with guilt. I'm find it difficult at the moment to pay this money back because my hours at work weren't so good for a few months. I'm behind in my rent though I have come to an agreement with my landlord who is aware of the situation as are the others I owe money to.

Basically what I'm asking is, do I deserve to have a good life even though I owe money to people? Do I deserve to look happy or healthy because I have failed myself and others? I feel like I don't deserve any life now, I look awful and I don't sleep. I never used to be like this. I'm waiting for counselling, but it's been 9 months now on the NHS. This probably sounds really jumbled, Iv been to the doctor and have been in anti depressants for 4 years. I have no hobbies, no desire to meet someone, I live my life a lot feeling scared though I don't know what of. There's so much more to my story, so much more. Parents, bad relationships, abuse. But I have tried, though not well at times to make sure my daughter has always been ok. And even now I worry she will be like me when she's older.

So, do I deserve any happiness? Do I deserve to get on with my life? I'm scared to be seen looking cheerful in case the people I owe money to think my situation has changed and then they come to my house. Not that I could even look cheerful anymore. It's an effort to speak to people anymore. It's an effort to go out my front door in the days I'm not working. This all sounds so stupid I'm sorry. Any advice that can be given will be appreciated. This is very real for me and I'm stuck.

Thanks all.

Only you can problem-solve your way out of a difficult situation. There is a more positive future but it would be one you have to initiate. You should see a debt counsellor who can look at your options for resolving your money issues. You need to look at your bank statements and work out incoming/ outcoming money, and find ways to cut your expenses down - the food bill is usually a good starting point.

You are depressed and if the tablets are not working, try others. You could do an online cognitive behavioural therapy course - there are lots of free programmes. NHS counselling has a long wait list, but sometimes charities offer free support so ring MIND and find out what is available locally. Go back to your GP and tell them you think your depression and anxiety is getting worse, and they may push for a speedy referral to counselling to get you up the wait-list.

Once you are feeling stronger, may be you should think about moving to a different place. It could be local if you have committed to schools etc, but a fresh start may help you a lot. You are young and have time to change your life around, but no one will do that for you but you. Your daughter should give you the strength and motivation to move towards your goals of a better life.

Good luck.

Hi scoobydoo1971,

Thank you for the reply! I have been back to my doctors a few times and never have much support, even seeing different doctors at the same practice. I have had cbt before but because of my past and the fact that I have no family support, he said it would be 'unethical' of him to delve further which I understood. I know only I can get myself out of this, but it's hard when I don't feel I deserve it? my daughter is a great girl, smart, beautiful, but also very aware.

I feel like if I go out my door looking well or happy or out for a walk people will look at me and think what's she doing? So hard to out how I feel into words.

I used to be motivated, thinking I can change this. Recently, it's more like what's the point. I will only fail at everything. I used to have hope in my gut, but any good feelings are long gone now.

I know what your saying about a move, but I feel that would be too much for me at the minute and would possibly be the last straw.

Thanks again for your advice I'll read it again and think it over.