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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

30 replies

Dizzapea · 29/07/2017 12:56

First up a bit of history.

Female colleage of OH went through a break up and used OH as a soubding board for a while. Hes a caring person by nature and gives good advice but after a while she was constantly messaging him at all hours about pointless things. He'd started to ignore a few and then she'd message about work related issues to get a response before going back to personal talk. It was getting ridiculous. So i told him i thought she had ideas on him more than a friend and to watch out and also that it was making.me uncomfortable. He could see the frequency and content of messages were getting a bit much so stopped entering into chit chat with her outside of work but maintained that she wasnt the sort to want to get involved woth someone that had a partner blah blah blah. There was a work night out shortly after and I was invited where she was heard telling a mutual friend that "Dizzapea is only coming because she sees me as a threat" which in my mind told me that she did have ideas about OH otherwise why would it ross your mind. OH proper distanced himself after that and all has been well since.

Until this week when i picked up his phone to check his whatsaap for him and saw she has been turning to him for sex advice and going into detail about what shes been up to with her new boyfriend in his car. Ive told him i find it really inappropriate and that i dont trust her and that again he should be careful aroubd her. It seems shes doing all the running and again if not getting a response then turning to work chat but its really made me angry and upset that hes not putting a stop to it and telling her he doesnt need to hear it.

Am I being a bit mental to have completely lost my shit about it?

OP posts:

IrritatedUser1960 · 29/07/2017 13:03

You are not over reacting enough!!! I'd go nuts and tell her to fuck right off. She is being totally inappropriate.

SpartacusSaiman · 29/07/2017 13:04

Losing your shit is rarelt helpful. But i would have done as well.

Tbh if he didnt tell her to back off over the night oit incident, there is a reason. Sounds like he enjoys her attention and her chasing him.

I am sorry but i suspect he never broke contact with her.

If a man at work told our colleagues that my dh felt threatened by him, i would have put him straight in his place. There and then.

isitjustme2017 · 29/07/2017 13:07

why on earth does she need sex advice from your husband? And why does she think he wouldn't mind? Do you think they talk about things like that at work?
I wouldn't dream of texting a male colleague, even one I know really well, about stuff like that.
He needs to message her and ask her to stop.

Needsomeflapjacks · 29/07/2017 13:08

Seems a lot of ego stroking. . Before long it will be more thats being stroked imo. . .

AngelsSins · 29/07/2017 13:09

Yeah I agree she seems to have developed a thing for your husband. She may well not be the "type" he imagines the sort of woman would be to go after a married guy, but whatever type he thinks that is, he's wrong. If she's had a string of failed relations she may well see a guy who is able to maintain a marriage as very attractive.

Despite her disrespect to you however, she is not your problem. Your husband really needs to deal with it, why hasn't he blocked her number? Do you think he's flattered by the attention and maybe enjoying it a little?

PaddedSoca · 29/07/2017 13:13

No one can be as naive as your DH is claiming to be, sorry. Asking him for sex advice? Saying you see her as a threat? This is as clear as day and he fact he hasn't told her to do one yet is troubling.

Original poster

Dizzapea · 29/07/2017 13:15

Contact was definitely broken off. He works with a friend of mine in a small team were banter and piss taking are par for the course. She told my friend she felt like OH was ignoring her so i know he stoppedhowever I dont think he told her why becasue he didnt want to make things awkward at home.

The workplace silliness i can cope with as its amongst a group of them. Its the whatsaaps im fuming about. He says shes not the sort to try and break up a relationship abd that she doesnt have many friends. He thinks a lot of her talk is bragging becasue shes immature. Ive told him hes being very naive about her intentions and that I can see right through her.

OP posts:

Gogglerox · 29/07/2017 13:17

She is being disrespectful and predatory. Your partner is being disrespectful by keeping the conversations going. Point out how inappropriate it is and if he disagrees this is what I would do

Change your best friend's number to "Dave" or another man you know from work/gym/friend circle
Get her to send chit chat messages and then starting asking for sex advice about "girlfriend"
Sit back and enjoy the fallout when DH realised it's out of order

Gogglerox · 29/07/2017 13:18

Send the messages to you I mean. 2 can play that game.
Unfortunately some people need to experience what they're doing their partner themselves before they realise how wrong it is

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2017 13:18

He needs to have a good hard think about why she doesn't have many friends!

Gogglerox · 29/07/2017 13:23

i.imgur.com/Qi4f0cI.jpg

PaddedSoca · 29/07/2017 13:26

To be fair OP it doesn't matter what he thinks her intentions may or may not be. You're not happy with it. It's gone in for ages. He either upsets her or continues to upset you.

LizzieMacQueen · 29/07/2017 13:27

What kind of sex advice is she asking? If she's been in relationships before what can your DH tell her that she doesn't already know.

Original poster

Dizzapea · 29/07/2017 13:27

It seems it started as a workplace convo asking for a guys perspective on what seems to be contraception. Her sending hm screen shots of her and latest shags convo regarding advice she went to him about and then jumoed to her telling him how many times shed had sex and whatever else in this guys car. I dont think he replied. So then she messaged him about an issue with her home and what should she do. He answered her then.

I asked him how hed feel to discover one of my male friends was behaving like that and ge said it depends. I told him i wasnt talking so much about the work banter even if i find it a bit cringey but the private messages got to me more and he stoped replying to me.

We've not really spoken since mid week. Im not great with confrontation hence why i did it by whatsaap. He now wants to talk and im just wanting him to leave me alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dizzapea · 29/07/2017 13:28

Yes gogglerox!!

OP posts:

SpartacusSaiman · 29/07/2017 13:32

He is making a lot of excuses for her. She hasnt got many friends blah blah blah.

She is disrespectful to your relationship. That should be enough. Why doesnt he eant ti nake work uncomfortable but happy for you to be unconfortable? Doesnt make sense.

Gogglerox · 29/07/2017 13:44

She hasn't got many friends because she's a butter-kneed whore by the sounds of it.
My friends and I call these people "door knockers" - they drop suggestive and sexual comments into innocent conversation to see what the response will be... "if you knock enough doors, eventually someone will answer"

She needs to back the F off

Original poster

Dizzapea · 29/07/2017 13:48

Gogglerox you have hit the nail on the head. Thats exactly what she is!

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 29/07/2017 13:50

Was totally here last year. The single mum in question worked for us. My DH says he didn't want to make her feel worse by ignoring her and that we 'needed her' for the business. He admits he was a complete coward, and I think in the case of some women 'likes to be liked' even if it's harmless, I suspect your oh may be the same, what these idiots do though is end up upsetting their partners because they don't want to man up and tell someone to cool it

RogueBiscuit · 29/07/2017 14:09

I would be explosive about this, and I mean pack your shit explosive. Nobody is this naive, he's clearly enjoying it on some level.

Thinkingofausername1 · 29/07/2017 19:31

Wow if it was me I would have told her to f* off (I have done this on several occasions with dh work colleagues) and on most of occasions I was right about their so called behaviour
Like how you describe your dh; my dh is caring and wise and many women take it the wrong way. I think your dh sounds like he is doing the right things. She sounds unhinged to me.

SpartacusSaiman · 29/07/2017 19:43

I get on with a male colleague. Really well. We message occasionally outside work and spend most of the day together at work.

Its never been even slightly sugestive. More like 'dont forget game of thrones is on tonight....cant wait' stuff.

And i would not ever suggest his gf is threatened by me. If i thought she was i would never message him. I wouldnt eant to cause issues.

Actually his gf works in the same building and i have worked with her recently. She is great. Like her more than him.

My point is that people can have work mates that are the opposite sex. Without all this shit she is throwing.

I would also have no issue telling him to back off and oack it in if he eas disrespectful to my relationship. I wouldnt care how awkward it was at work. It wouldnt be me that made it awkward.

Bonez · 29/07/2017 19:57

She wants you to be threatened by her.

Hidingtonothing · 29/07/2017 20:17

She wants you to be threatened by her.
This which makes it more difficult for you to tackle if you're anything like me because like fuck would I let her know she'd succeeded

First thing you need to do is get DH to see it from your perspective. You need a calm conversation where you tell him how all this is making you feel. Make sure he knows that you're not blaming him for her actions but that you'd like to come up with an approach to the problem that doesn't leave either of you feeling bad. If things are already frosty between you I would be going for totally non confrontational and concentrate on putting the two of you back on the same side, with her (quite rightly) as the common enemy.

He needs a strategy for dealing with her, I would suggest he completely ignores any personal messages and only answers work issues. Any messages which contain both work and personal he needs to answer the work and ignore the personal and if she follows up with 'but what about....' to bring it back to the personal he should just stop replying. If she consistently gets no response she will (unless she's completely batshit obviously!) eventually stop.

But you and he need to be on the same page, so that's your first objective.

Original poster

Dizzapea · 31/07/2017 17:57

Just to update - girl in question is batshit crazy and loves to cause a scene. Friend that works with them has said as much. Having spoke to OH my suggestion of just telling her to fuck off would only cause her to kick off. It seems shes quite pandered too in the workplace. I think it makes life a bit easier for everyone.

Spoke to OH and he said he doesnt know why she started again. She asked for a guys perspective on a contraception issue while at work, he gave his POV and she then started messaging him again. We've tried to come up with a plan of action. Ive said Id gladly be the one to put her in her place, however strongly suspect shes trying to get a reaction so his more sensible approach of ignoring her of it happens again or asking her how she thinks her new boyfriend would feel to hear shes giving collegues running commentary of there sex life and hoping she'll take the hint.

OP posts:

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