I don't love him

[mrszebrastripe]

So here I am on holiday with DH, DDs and extended family. All the niggles and doubts I have had about my marriage have come to the surface. My husband is sly and secretive. Has recently started compulsively buying things online - will be really into something for a few weeks, spend a Fortune then it will be on to something else. He also hides booze - beer usually, to drink when I am asleep or out. He seems to have no 'off' button - so will drink until completely pissed, will not pause before buying something etc. I think these are signs of MH issues, but he just bats me off if I try to talk about them. I also believe he is addicted to prescription drugs which he uses to control back pain. I feel like I've completely ruined the holiday as I am so quiet and withdrawn. I hate it hear and also hate the thought of going home.

mrszebra,

What do you get out of this relationship now? What needs of yours are being met here?.

What has stopped you from leaving this man you are with completely to date?. If you can relate your fears about this perhaps these can be addressed.

Hiding beer is a behaviour an alcoholic does. Like many alcoholics as well he does not think he has a problem, same with the compulsive buying and his use of over the counter painkillers. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Its no life for you or any children unfortunate enough to be also caught up in this to witness.

You have not ruined the holiday; you are both quiet and withdrawn because of him. He has put you in this dark place you are now in.

Would you want your DD to have a relationship like yours?. No, well show her there is another life awaiting her as well as you. He will not change but you can change how you react to him. Getting away from him altogether could be the making of you. Start making plans to get away from him upon your return.

Thanks Atilla, lots for me to think about there! We were a fairly hedonistic couple when we met, part of the rave scene, we all drank a lot and took things we shouldn't have. I am now in a very different head space. I am into exercise , healthy eating and do lots of volunteering. I guess it's me that has changed. This all came to a head a couple of years ago and we decided to 'make an effort' sadly, nothing has changed. He is an intelligent man, funny and great with the kids. It will break their hearts to see us separate. We are now very different people and, as much as I know I can't change him, I've lived with the hope that we are enough to make him want to change. It appears I've been wrong.

It sounds like you've grown up and he just hasn't.

Even if he is never drunk around the kids (yet) don't underestimate the effect that living with an alcoholic will have on them.

My best friend's husband was brought up by an alcoholic mother. He had no idea she drank - it only came to light when she was hospitalized with liver failure and nearly died. They found bottles all over the house in various hidey holes. But the point was that although he'd never seen her drinking, had no idea she was an addict, he still shows the same laundry list as many other adult children of alcoholics because the effects of drinking are the same even when it is hidden.

Is he an alcoholic? My post was slightly misleading. When he goes out he drinks until completely pissed. Daily he will have perhaps one or two beers per night (he usually trya to hide them from me) 3 or 4 night per week it will be half to a bottle of wine and 2 strong beers. I've also found those little bottles of wine you get on planes stashed about. He knows I find these bottles but treats it like it's a funny little joke. I've thought he has a problem with booze (addictive personality) but I'd not applied the term 'alcoholic' to him before.

You do not seem to be getting anything worth while from this so what does that tell you?. You could not answer the question about what you get out of this relationship now.

TBH you may be wrong about the children as well having their hearts broken if you were to separate. Why do you think that it will break their hearts to see you separate; have you actually asked them?.

The older they are the more they become aware of exactly how things are at home and compare you as a couple to their friends parents. They see your innate unhappiness and you cannot fully protect them from what is happening all around them. They probably wonder of you why you are still with him at all and perhaps even worse blame themselves.

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. He is more likely than not to be such and he certainly has an addictive personality at the very least. He's trying to fill his own screaming emotional void by alcohol, pills and shopping. None of it will ultimately work.

Your hope re being enough as a couple to make him want to change has always been a forlorn one; you have remained as separate individuals and he has always likely had an addictive personality. The only person who could change is him and importantly for him and he alone. HE alone has to be the one to decide to stop and he clearly shows no intention now of stopping his addictive behaviours.

You can only save your own self ultimately; he does not want your help nor to be rescued and or saved.

I'm aware that I haven't responded to what I get from this relationship. We've been together for over 20 years and generally run along pretty well and laugh a lot together. The elephant in the room is that this all works very well until I start to think about the behaviours listed in my original post. There was a trigger earlier this week that opened the door on all of these behaviours and made me realise that nothing has changed and I now need to put on my big girl pants and make some decisions. It's all a bit shit, especially as We are away with his oldest (grown up) daughter and her family, I feel very alone and very grateful for the support and sound advice of those who have posted.