Mother blaming me for being suicidal

[Keepcalmanddrinkcoffeeeeee]

Should I cut ties now ? Im.so scared of how dangerous she is. I don't want to ruin the relationship with my kids that she has, but I am concerned with how far she will.go to get at me. She's been emotionally abusive before like this. I'm at wits end. I'm under a lot of stress as it is. She caused a massive rift in our family, we haven't really spoke for a long time and then she blames me for her being suicidal and wanting to break her... meanwhile im just trying to get on with my life.

What should I do? I'm lost.

Sounds like you're already keeping your distance so I'd continue to do that. Nice parents don't say their children make them feel suicidal. I feel your pain as my father has said the same to me in the past. Because of this and other things he's done we no longer have a relationship.

I think it would be good to cut ties.
But not if that will add to your stress.
Have read up on toxic and narcissistic mothers?
You may find some helpful coping stategies.
Never forget; if she's too toxic for you then she's too toxic for your kids.
Look out for you right now!!!

Thanks ladies. I don't think I'd ever stop contact as i would feel bad..shes not kind to many, but she is a good gran

Good gran? She's a disgraceful nan. She's causing utter misery to her grandchildren 's mother.

Don't let her near your kids. Pure bloody poison

I sympathise as I have a difficult and similar relationship with my mother. She has borderline personality disorder so can rush through the raft of depression, anger, aggression, withdrawn, abusive and manipulative needy behaviour all in 24 hours. Very difficult to deal with such parents. I learned to enforce strict boundaries, stop internalising her poor view of me (projecting as it is) and my kids just know to take what she says with a grain of salt...it is all about building resilience for the relatives of such people so they cannot get to you whatever they say. Personally 'mother' can call me all the names under the sun these days and it goes in one ear, and out the other. I have been called a slut, a lousy mother, a money grabber, lazy, a weirdo who know one could love, and I deserve to die alone (apparently). One or two days later when she wants something doing, I am 'dear daughter', her 'best friend' etc.

Resilience has taken years of practice...and heart-ache along the way. You have to stop caring what she says and thinks, and then she stops making you feel like the victim/ abuser/ unworthy child (whatever button she happens to be pressing in the day). My mother blamed her cancer diagnosis on me because I stressed her out and dared to go on holiday without her...it was nothing to do with me, and I looked after her when she had her treatment and onward from that I still do the domestic tasks. You are not alone, but her impact on your life can be re-framed by minimising how much you take it personally. Understanding that she has the problem, not you, is an important first step.

Cut all ties now, all of you need to be no contact with her.

Post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on Relationships for more help too.

Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt; this is holding you back and that is making you also feel bad in relation to her. You feel bad because you want to be nice and reasonable but disordered of thinking people like your mother are never reasonable nor play by the normal"rules" of familial relations. You are also not responsible for the emotions or actions of another person. You would not have tolerated this from a friend and your mother is no different.

It is not your fault she is like this; her own family of origin are more than likely responsible for how and why she is the ways she is.

She was not a good parent to you and her relationship with your children is likely to be unhealthy as well. Toxic parents become toxic grandparents, its as simple as that. Such disordered of thinking people also do not make for being good grandparent figures at all because they use the children to get back at you the parent by trying to steal their hearts and minds. It will also do your children no favours at all for them to keep on seeing their mother being abused emotionally by their nan.

Cut all ties now, all of you need to be no contact with her.

Post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on Relationships for more help too.

Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt; this is holding you back and that is making you also feel bad in relation to her. You feel bad because you want to be nice and reasonable but disordered of thinking people like your mother are never reasonable nor play by the normal"rules" of familial relations. You are also not responsible for the emotions or actions of another person. You would not have tolerated this from a friend and your mother is no different.

It is not your fault she is like this; her own family of origin are more than likely responsible for how and why she is the ways she is.

She was not a good parent to you and her relationship with your children is likely to be unhealthy as well. Toxic parents become toxic grandparents, its as simple as that. Such disordered of thinking people also do not make for being good grandparent figures at all because they use the children to get back at you the parent by trying to steal their hearts and minds. It will also do your children no favours at all for them to keep on seeing their mother being abused emotionally by their nan.

Out of the Fog is a good website and Scooby you may want to read this as well if you have not already done so:-
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/

Wow..real food for thought here. Quite surprised with the certainty that no contact is the way to go... im.so scared to do that. But I totally see what you're all saying.

I'll post on the thread you suggest Attila , thank you.

Scooby - I do take little notice of what she says, most of the time. But I'll admit some of it has me questioning myself and feel like a shit person , which I'm not really. I'm not perfect but I'm not the narcissist or whatever she says I am... for one I don't enjoy seeing her in pain , which she says i do. She's verbally abusive toward me too , name calling and really condescending and accusing. The older I've got the worse she has gotten with me. I think it's because she can't influence me to coincide with her constant bullshit and divorces and fall outs with family ...