My story. Sorry it's long.
Been with exdh for 14years, married 12, 3dcs 10, 7, 4 and separated 3 months. He was nice and engaging to all and initially was to me but we became antagonistic and frustrated with each other post kids. He gave me no emotional support and I was emotionally and physically tired by the kids but coping. He felt there was nothing he could do. Two years ago he raped me, wouldn't listen to me when I wanted to stop. Things got worse as I couldn't bring myself to dtd after. He apologised when I told him about it, but seemed to think that was enough. It made me distance myself and both of us stopped talking openly and stopped making love. Two years on after trying counselling and him continuing to bury his head and wait for me to get over it. I couldn't and after threatening to leave since a year I finally did.
Initially I felt good, relieved, strong. He totally relaxed and handover and contact was pleasant, not like our previous interactions, negative and closed. Two months later post separating I'm starting to have feelings for him again and wonder what that was about when he tells me he's met someone else. I've been devastated since. Not in a omg I've made a mistake but in a frustrated we could have made it work maybe scenario and how can he possibly move on so quickly when up until the end he didn't want me to go ; but wouldn't say anymore and was just really upset.
I tried to talk to him as to whether he thinks we did the right thing in separating and he said I'd made it plain enough and he now thinks perhaps he wanted to stay for the dcs sake and he is much happier now. He said he couldnt go back now, He's done it before and it didn't work. I'm not saying I want him back, just like that, but I'm so mixed up.
I do feel guilt, sadness, loss but yet when he was relaxed with me I felt so much better. It's another month on and he's still seeing his new woman and it's getting more serious. He says he wouldn't feel happy taking a risk again by getting back together.
I've written a letter trying to explain the feelings I had from the rape leading to us splitting and how I feel now but I'm not sure whether to send it. I don't say I want him back, just that I could now see a possibility, whereas I couldn't before, but I realise it may be too late for us. It's been helpful writing it down in the letter, but I'm not sure what I should do now? I don't want to be unfair to him, but I don't want regrets and want him to try and understand and give me an indication as to, could we resolve our issues, or is he not capable, as he used to say. Either way I need to stop the guilt, shame and disappointment.