Custody of Kids following split

[2point4kidsandamutt]

I've discovered my partner has been having an affair. She hasn't had the guts to admit it, but the evidence is all there (lunch, hotel receipts, deleted text messages, x-rated pics)

The trust is gone and trust is a big part of any relationship so sadly our relationship is going to come to an end.

I'm going to seek legal advise but in the meantime does anyone have experience of custody issues?

We both work full time and children are looked after by a childminder until 5:30 Mon to Friday when I pick them up. I cook most of the meals and do most of bed times etc.

I don't see why I should become a every other weekend dad because my wife has ruined our marriage.

Children are 12 and 8 (both boys), do they get a say in where they live or will it be decided by the courts?

What criteria is used when deciding who should be given custody? Does the mother get automatic preference? Is age a factor (I'm 46, she is 39)

Thanks in advance

You don't need to take the court route. If your wife and yourself can come to an arrangement, that would be a better option.

You need to talk things through with your partner and discuss how you want things to be. Judging by your post, you haven't even discussed you know she's been unfaithful, that needs addressing first.

The fact she has been unfaithful has nothing to do with caring for your kids and nor will a court care. If you are the primary carer then you have a good case but I would try and start negotiating with her reasonably first.

As the pp have said, you would be better trying to come to an agreement if you can.

If you can't, you will want to establish what you want to become the pattern from the start of your splitting. So if your intention is 50:50, or that she gets one weeknight and eow then make sure that's what you do straight away. You will want to establish a routine and be able to show it's working. But make sure you don't push for something your kids won't want. It's you that's been cheated on, not them.

Your kids, at 12 and 8 would probably be interviewed by CAFCASS if it became a contested issue. I don't have a lot of good things to say about them, but you may get one who's gender neutral. The court will listen to their preferences and take them into account.

I think you start from a 50/50 basis so 7 nights each every fortnight

Are you seriously going to put the kids in the middle of your failing relationship and have them say they prefer one parent over another, what a horrible excuse of bad parenting that is. Surely if you really love them, you put your own hurt feelings aside, and co parent, she hasn't done anything to your kids...Whatever her failings she is still the mother of your children..Please don't make your children choose, they will never forgive you in the long run.

What thequeenoftarts said. Making the kids chose is a foul thing to do. You need to both sort it out with minimal upset to them.

Age isn't a factor and in your scenario, because she isn't primary carer, the mother doesn't get automatic preference.

Custody is a bit of an outdated concept now. Residency is more commonly used. Courts will prioritise what is best for the children not the parents.

Can you see 50-50 working? You will both need to live close enough to the children's schools, activities, childminder and friends to make that work, and if one of you earns a lot more than the other, you will need to divide up your assets so that the children have similar lifestyles at both homes (i.e, not necessarily 50-50 division of assets).

Hold on now, OP wasn't suggesting he was going to "make [his] children choose" he asked whether the children get a say in where they live or whether a court would decide (without taking their wishes into account).

It's a perfectly normal and reasonable question to ask and neither of you would have got so hostile had their Mum been asking it.

As for division of assets, it's not generally about equalising the two parents, it's about making sure the children have stability which (unless there's a lot of money kicking around) means having one parent being able to afford a house. So asset division is skewed that way. It wouldn't matter if the Mum is earning less if she's not to become the RP; the OP would need the bulk of the assets so he could afford to house the two DC.

OP - if you're not sure how all of this would play out you need to go and see a solicitor. You can't really reach an agreement between the two of you without both of you understanding what you're signing up to.

I think you'd be better off sitting down talking to her shared parental responsibility/care is equal on both parts so you both should get 50/50 im not saying what your wife's done is right it's not but for sake of kids talk it through if not see a solicitor

What the fuck is wrong with some people on here? I really fucking hate it when men post on here, and even when in the right, bitter women are totally vile to them.

Are you seriously going to put the kids in the middle of your failing relationship and have them say they prefer one parent over another, what a horrible excuse of bad parenting that is.

Where has he suggested he will do that? Nowhere. He's asking questions about something he has never been through before! And you have the audacity to suggest hes exhibiting bad parenting when actually he sounds like a fantastic father, whereas the mother clearly has very little care for her family and breaking it up and he emotional and psychological impact the breakdown of a relationship will have on her children. So when people are saying she has done nothing to them; yes, she has. I am still affected to this day by my Dad's affair.

OP, you sound like a fantastic father and I hope you do find a gender neutral person if it goes that far. In terms of seeking views of the children; my friend's situation has beem resolved outside of court. Her daughter is 12 and the social worker said that at her age, she decides where she goes as long as she is safe, that they would not intervene and remove her from a placement if there is no need to (she has chosen her dad).

To echo what others have said the courts favour the primary caregiver - so that the the children have continuity - not the mother specifically. It's just that the primary caregiver is often the mother.

I have seen the question about what age are DC's wishes taken into account asked on numerous occasions and never before seen such a hostile reposonse to it.

The answe is (possibly unhelpfully) that it depends. I'd expect weight to be given to the opinions of secondary age DC. I also think it is right that they have input into important matters affecting their lives. This only boils down to 'forcing them to choose' if they are unlucky enough to be surrounded by adults with the EQ of a rock.

The aim is to make things as good as possible from the children's perspective.

So the mother won't automatically get preference unless she is a SAHM (for continuity of care). In your case as you both work the starting point should be a 50-50 split.

Age of parents not a factor.

Mediation might be helpful to try and avoid court.

Are you married . Do you rent or own ?

Can you afford to pay child minder bills and rent/mortgage on your own .