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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need other people experience regarding relationships bad patch.......

25 replies

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:21

My DH have been together for 4 years, married almost a year...a 3 years old DS and another one coming in few weeks. I don't know what to do, I don't seem to reach my DH anymore. We used to communicate a lot but I found myself the only one trying to communicate. Everytime I speak to him, I need at least to repeat 3 times before he hears what I'm saying. He's a fantastic father but doesn't seem to notice I'm here too. He doesn't seem to understand me, he's predictable..I encourage him to do stuff with his friends as he seems happy to see them, escaping from me and my ds. For his birthday, I booked him a ticket concert to go with his best mate...he said he was really looking forward to it...but I just wish he could understand that I would love to do that kind of stuff with him, I told him but it still doesn't reach him. He always end up saying why don't you go out with your own friends...but 1rst I don't have many friends and second I developped a big phobia on going out at night, I'm scared, I feel unsecure...yes I'm a big chicken and have been like this since my DS was born...I just wish he could see me or understand me...after all I gave up on the idea of going back to my country to stay with him...can't he appreciate that ?? I'm not just a mother...I'm so sorry for the rant, I don't know if what I have written makes sense...my english is shit.

OP posts:

ImmiesMum · 27/03/2007 12:32

It sounds like a nightmare Oops.
I had a similar thing with my dh a few years ago. Sometimes it's easy to get stuck in a cycle of behaviour where you criticise, he goes out, you worry, he comes back, you nag (in his eyes), he switches off....what I'm trying to say is you need to change the way you react to him ignoring you.
Is there any way you could get some time alone together before the new baby arrives?- difficult I know.
I hope someone else on here has got some better advice for you.

warthog · 27/03/2007 12:37

your english is very good.
i agree with im - you need to break the pattern. only say things once so he's forced to listen. try and break any cycles - as soon as you realise you're nagging or repeating yourself, stop. can you arrange a babysitter so that you can go out for a meal? do you have a friend you could go with to a class an evening a week, just to get out?
another option is to write down how you feel. he has to listen / read then.

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:37

ImmiesMum absolutely you have hit the nail on the head. I had similar problems and I changed my reactions and responses to feeling abandoned. It worked and we have gone from strength to strength.

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:39

You need to do something for yourself too. Enrol in a class. A little distance helps you get perspective too.

Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:41

We may do something but it's up to me to organise it...I know it's not the end of the world and I say he's a fantastic father, all his spare time goes to our son,he gives a lot of affection etc...the dream of every woman ? No ? I can even say that he's a better father that I'm a mother...if one day we were to divorce, I'll leave him full custody of the kids...he's not abusif to me, he respects me...but we have nothing to look forward as a couple, nothing...and I know he'll never do anything spontaneous for us..sorry for the moaning

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rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:46

Gosh would you? He might be a great father while your supporting him and doing all the hard stuff but it might be different on his own. Have you told him all this, sounds like you need to have a cool calm talk. Write a letter to get your ideas together and focus and try not to be too emotional. Where are you from, can you go and stay with parents and have a think about things and come back and talk?

Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:46

It's not easy at the moment to do stuff for myself outside the house...I'm a big massive fat pregnant woman with bad SPD...I only go to work, try not to take sickies...they my offer me a permanent job after I come back from maternity leave...I guess every couple goes trought moment like this...when one of the 2 person in the couple feels lonely...I'm going to ignore him, I bet he's going to like it tomorrow..especially as England plays agaisnt Andorra fucking foot.

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Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:47

Yep I'm emotional when I talk to him at the moment...should change it.

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ImmiesMum · 27/03/2007 12:47

Oops do you want to be with him?
You sound very down and a bit like you have already made your mind up that it won't work.
Tell me if I'm wrong because I may just be reading too much into your post

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:53

Yes definitely it doesn't get the point accross it gets lost and they think you're irrational, you bound to be emotional though your pregnant! that rules out travel too I guess. Don't ignore him it just exacberates things and you'll be fed up when he doesn't notice. If I start to get emotional I say I'm not going to continue this isn't constructive. Think about what he says and how he reacts to you and why that upsets you. If you're upset say immediately and don't save it all up and build a negative picture, then everything they do then you see fitting into that picture. Deal with one issue at a time not everything all at once if you can help it.

Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:54

I really love him, he's the one. I'm just really bored of our lives...I think that's the main message and I don't know how to make it better and I don't know if he wants it better...I don't know what he wants out of life for us in the short term.

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rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:54

It does sound like you've made up your mind though.

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:55

Just sounds like you need to talk

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 12:56

My dh didn't have a clue i was unhappy

Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:58

I woke up this morning crying...he tought I was having a panick attack, I wanted to be home with my mum (I know childish) and he was sad to see me like this but that didn't stop him to get ready to go to work..I wish I could go home for a week and just being with my mum...trying to see some old mates..I don't know, to have a break...and having a fresh start.. but at almost 8 month and a half pregnant, I don't think I'll be allowed traveling anyway

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Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 12:59

I just want to feel that he loves me...that's it, I want my best mate back

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rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 13:02

He probably doesn't realise quite how upset you are. Just write it all down, it's worse when you can't just escape but maybe you should talk to him and make plans to travel as soon as you are able and go home for a while. Have a break.

Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 13:04

I quite like the idea of writing down everything and giving it to him...something good may come out...does the perfect relationship exist ??It's definitely a relationship which worth fighting for...

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catASTROPHE · 27/03/2007 13:14

opps, I feel for you, DH and I are also in a bad patch. I wrote him a letter about how I feel yesterday. He didn't respond, but at lease now he knows how I feel, as we have trouble talking without both feeling attacked and defensive.

You said you have felt afraid since your DS was born. Is there any chance you might have PND do you think? It could be making everything even harder. Also, you said your DH seems disinterested and doesn't seem to hear you...is there any chance he could have depression? Not that I'm an expert on depression or anything, but it could be worth seeing a councellor together if he would agree to go. Or by yourself if he wont come.

Hang in there, it may be one of those things that just passes. Perhaps he is feeling anxious about the new babay?

warthog · 27/03/2007 13:14

i think you can get to the perfect relationship, but you have to be very clear in your mind what it is. then work out a game plan to get there. i don't think there's a relationship in the world that doesn't require hard work.

ImmiesMum · 27/03/2007 13:15

Rebel talks so much sense.
I have been with dh for 12 years and after about 5 he went thruogh a phase of watching football, drinking lager every night with all his mates (in our living room) while I sat in the bedroom sobbing. We had massive rows, I stormed out, shouted, begged, cried constantly- in the end I started staying very calm- explained why I was upset, told him what I wanted him to do about it and left it up to him.... and it did work.
I think he loves you he just knows how unhappy he is making you at the moment and wants to escape the guilt by going out.

Original poster

OopsImoaningagain · 27/03/2007 13:26

Catastrophe - I had PND and I'm much better now..but the going out night stuff, can't do it, I'm petrified...

Warthog - I guess the perfect relationship is a relationship well balanced..and it's so hard to reach that level.

We have been speaking this week end but yesterday evening he didn't sound too bothered spending time with me...am I too needy ? FFS, it's normal to want to spend some time as a couple after the kids are in bed ?? No ??? He has been p""""" me off since february with his f""""" grand schlem rugby or whatever it's called...it's a question of give and take. no ?

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 13:32

You just need to learn to talk 'man' they respond better when you're not emotional. Take just one issue at a time. Always say if you're upset at the actual time and why and be clear. Don't dwell. Make a reasoned argument and concede to the odd thing or two even if you know your right. Count to 10 before you respond if emotional or if you well up walk away and explain why. This is probably a blip and if you can overcome it you'll go from strenth to strength. A good relationship is worth fighting for.

rebelmum1 · 27/03/2007 13:33

Maybe you should see someone about the going out at night bit. Sounds like you would benefit from some therapy and help with self-esteem.

mylittlestar · 27/03/2007 14:08

If your relationship is worth saving then there may be a few things you might have to accept - for example you may always be the one who has to be spontaneous, plan things to do together, arrange babysitters etc etc. I'm saying this because of the part you wrote about you buying a concert ticket for him and his mate - next time anything like that happens, buy it for yourself and him.

He may not ever change in that respect, but that doesn't mean you can't do fantatic things together, ultimately it doesn't matter too much who planned it. just that you went together and enjoyed it.

If a big night out terrifies you, how about an early evening meal on your own as a couple.
Or perhaps going out for sunday lunch and a walk round the park.

Build it up bit by bit doing things you feel comfortable with.

I'm sorry, am no expert here, and I do think maybe you both could benefit from external support and counselling.

(Can you get your mum to come to you for a few days? Or a friend or family member? Use the support and help, and also take advantage of a babysitter so you can spend time alone with dh?)

Don't be too hard on yourself. Things may be difficult for a little while especially with the new baby due very soon.

But concentrate on talking and trying to make things better bit by bit. If the relationship is worth saving then it's all worth a try.

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