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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I'm done but how do I tell dh?

5 replies

iammargesimpson · 28/07/2017 15:00

Married 18 yrs, 2 ds, limping along the last 7-8 yrs. I think we need to separate, there is no relationship left, we hardly speak to each other, there's no fun, nothing in common and no affection or intimacy. I see him as a brotherly type figure, he is a good man and a good dad. I think we both need to move on and separate before we get to the point of really resenting and hating each other. My parents separated when I was 16 and it was very badly handled so I want to do this as amicably as possible. BUT I just don't know what his reaction will be, he could cry, he could turn nasty, he could totally withdraw. he works full-time and I work part time and I have done the sums, I could just about take over the mortgage payments if he would be willing. I'd be happy to go to mediation to sort out finances and accessories for ds 's would-be no problem, they adore him and I would never stop him from seeing them. I just think we need to take our heads out of the sand and face up to reality. How do I start the actual conversation though? 'i don't love you any more and want you to move out'? I was thinking of telling him just before myself and kids take my mum away for a few days (he's working) to give it a chance to sink in, good/bad idea? Any advice appreciated tia

OP posts:
iammargesimpson · 28/07/2017 15:01

We went to marriage counselling a few years ago and neither of us made much effort, we just let things slide so don't seeing point in going there again

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/07/2017 15:08

I think I'd point out it isn't working for either of you. If he can't be bothered to talk to you he can't exactly say he's happy with you, can he?

It's a miserable example for the children, too.

I think it's better to do it now, hopefully amicably, than if either of you were having an affair, when the other person can get nasty.

ImperialBlether · 28/07/2017 15:08

I think I'd point out it isn't working for either of you. If he can't be bothered to talk to you he can't exactly say he's happy with you, can he?

It's a miserable example for the children, too.

I think it's better to do it now, hopefully amicably, than if either of you were having an affair, when the other person can get nasty.

ImperialBlether · 28/07/2017 15:09

And yes, I think your timing would be good, too.

iammargesimpson · 28/07/2017 15:36

Thanks imperial, doubt v much he's having an affair (other than with his bloody PlayStation!!) and I have no interest there either so at least there's that. The more I think about it (and I've thought of little else this last few months) the more I think it's the right thing to do, for the whole family. Neither of us are happy but not desperately unhappy iykwim, but I don't want it to fester til we reach that point. I just don't know how to start a conversation about it, after so long together that sounds pathetic!!

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