How to stop arguing all the time?

[Poohbearloves]

Not a weekend passes in our house without a full blown argument with my husband.
We can fall out over literally anything, usually the most petty of issues.
Once it's over & we have cooled down I can see how pathetic the fight was & make a note to myself to learn going forward.
The usual pattern is a small disagreement escalates to everything the other person has said/done wrong over past 8 years then it lowers to insults & name calling which hurt.
Any suggestions to break the pattern/habit in the moment?

You both need to learn some conflict resolution. Can you get some marriage counselling? How is the relationship apart from this?

My husband doesn't want to try the counseling route. The marriage is very rocky at the moment and we both seem to be ending it following every argument.
I don't want it to end and deep down I don't think he does either.
We love each other but just struggle to get along.

I think you need to ask him outright if he wants to continue the marriage. If yes ask him if he is happy in the current setup. If not then how does he propose to make it better.

Another option might be to get on a marriage course. Usually run by the church, but I wonder if you could get the dvds from the library? The booklets you can get on ebay for very little. The word course makes it less intimidating. Theres no public sharing.

I think you need to ask him outright if he wants to continue the marriage. If yes ask him if he is happy in the current setup. If not then how does he propose to make it better.

Another option might be to get on a marriage course. Usually run by the church, but I wonder if you could get the dvds from the library? The booklets you can get on ebay for very little. The word course makes it less intimidating. Theres no public sharing.

Just because someone invites you to an argument, doesn't mean you have to accept!

I know that's trite, but you've already identified the problem - that you allow the discussion/argument to go off topic. Practise keeping to the topic ("I don't want to talk about your mum now, I want to talk about the washing up" etc) or just walk away ("OK, we're both getting angry now, so let's talk about it when we've both calmed down").

There are lots of books and articles on the internet about how to resolve conflicts effectively. Think of it as a project - do some research and then practise some strategies on him. It can be transformative and spill over into all aspects of communication e.g. at work.

There's nothing to stop you having some counselling on your own, by the way.

There's nothing to stop you

Oops, sorry about extra half sentence. Have a look at this:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/i-cant-seem-stop-arguing-my-partner-what-can-we-do

God that sounds exhausting, I'd say not be in a relationship where this happens! I couldn't deal with that level of conflict personally, it would seriously make me reconsider the relationship, it's not normal to fight that much

It's sounds exhausting and like really hard work.
Relationships shouldn't be this hard.
Do you own a house together?
Have kids?
I've just never argued with a partner.
Life is far too short for that.
We would have discussion and we either agree to disagree or we compromise.
It really should be that simple!

You shouldn't be walking on egg shells with your OH at the weekend, waiting for the next big fight. You are probably both at your lowest energy point at the weekend and little things trigger explosions. However, if you think the marriage is worth saving then perhaps a lifestyle change is needed as part of conflict resolution...or rather conflict prevention. Both me and my OH are alpha personalities and we fight like cat and dog, but not all the time. What helps is that he has a flat near his workplace and comes home on certain days when we do 'family stuff' together like dinner out etc and lots of holidays per year to cope with stress (we both work crazy hours and we have carer responsibilities on top of small children). We couldn't live together full-time when the kids are young as the petty disputes would affect them, and we know it is part of our relationship dynamic (he is otherwise a good OH and Dad). It certainly did not work when we did live together full-time and we made each other miserable.

I appreciate not everyone can afford or want such an arrangement. However, a micro-version could be that you plan to be out of the house for a certain number of hours every weekend doing stuff apart from your OH. I am not suggesting being sat in the park to avoid him, but something that interests you like swimming, the cinema, a hobby etc. You could suggest that he does the same - it gives you both space, an opportunity to relax and can elevate mood...it works for me, anyway. Then when you return home, if you feel that an argument is brewing you can choose to back away and leave before it escalates. Of course if the arguments are part of a marriage disintegration then a different approach is needed...leave him.

I know it sounds like I'm stating the obvious but people who "struggle to get along" don't belong in a relationship together.

Getting along is page one of the book! You have to be each other's best buddies, you have to be each other's favourite person, and you definitely have to treat each other at least with the same respect as you would your other friends.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean = being able to be vile to another person. You are actually encouraged to go through life without being vile to another person you know!

So if you are living with someone who is vile to you and brings out the vileness in yourself, then what the hell are you doing??

Why don't YOU stop bringing up all the shit from the past 8 years when you fight? Why do YOU resort to insults and name calling? Don't get me wrong, you're both at fault, but the only person you have control over is YOU. Start breaking your destructive old habits already. Just because he goes low doesn't mean you have to. Perhaps if you start behaving like a rational adult, he will, too.

You've noticed that when you argue you bring up all kinds of resentments from years ago.
Make s deal with each other that you'll only discuss the matter that is causing the current argument.
Usually there's a reason for all the resentment. Are either of you feeling unappreciated? Feel like you're doing more than the other?
Are you kind to each other? Kindness is often underrated but even little acts make a huge difference.

Thanks for all the suggestions & link too.
Scoobydoo - your point about alpha personalities rings true with my marriage too. I will have a think about some of your strategies.
We both have strong views and are equally stubborn so I think that doesn't help.
I could kick myself afterwards when I realise the pattern has repeated.
I'll try the walking away & a talk about sticking to the petty topics when we do disagree rather than creating a slanging match.
Resentment is there - for me it is centered on his ability to get up & go & do whatever he wants e.g concert away, a blow out with friends even having a few drinks & a hangover in bed for the day
As a mother of 3 the youngest being only a few months old & breastfeeding I sometimes feel unfairness about limitations which he doesn't seem to have.

I think for relationships to work you have to accept it's OK to disagree about things and have different opinions. You don't have to turn disagreements into arguments and have a winner.
Some things require a decision to be made so you need to discuss it but if you just have different opinions on something that doesn't require you to come to a mutual decision then just accept it.
We rarely argue, very little is worth arguing about.
I couldn't live with an argumentative person, I hate rows and shouting.

I would try a trial separation, this worked for me, we had space, we had clarity and we realised how much we actually liked each other, it's all very well loving each other but you have to also like each other, to get on.

Try it because I don't see this changing otherwise, it's a horrible cycle, and I feel for you OP, it's very exhausting and upsetting.

Honestly, it worked for us!

Oh I can so relate. I have no advice but similar situation. Last weekend we had a massive argument where I suggested he leave, because he stripped the beds to wash the sheets when it had only been done a few days ago. Seriously they come from nowhere and over stupid thongs. I'm definitely the one that is more argumentative and unreasonable but he won't leave alone once I start to get cross and ask for some space and that's where it blows up.

I do feel sad we bicker so much but I disagree with some other replies and I don't think we are doomed. I think we just need to get though this phase of life with young children and we will be ok. For me, like you it's resentment of his freedom. I am pissed off I don't have that. He goes out to gigs all the time which I don't want him to stop,it would be worse if we were born stuck in, I'm just jealous I don't have a social life outside the kids. I might forced into being a SAHM too, for financial reasons. I'm not the best at housework and our trigger is I feel he is constantly being passive agressive about the mess and general household chores.

My third baby is 7 months and I keep thinking when weaned I can have outside the house hobbies and part time work that fits in and we can maybe switch roles housework wise and the resentment will go. Hopefully I'm not deluded.