Messages years ago I can't forget about. AIBU?

[DumbBrunette]

It's been nearly 10 years since I first saw messages on my DH phone and social media account. At the time we had only been married 4 years and were ttc.

He works in a female dominated industry and goes away a lot on work trips. I found text from a woman saying she can't wait to work with him next week and how he's her favourite colleague, messages always signed off with lots of kisses from both. When his phone bill came a few days later, I noticed he had texted her around 30 times in 3 days.

There was also FB private messages to each other which I read (managed to hack in to his account) lots of friendly chat but he would call her sexy girl and she told him how she broke down on the motorway and the aa had to come and rescue her but she wished it was him instead. Again massages signed off with lots of kisses.

He passed all these off as 'banter'. A few years later and I find messages to another girl but not to that extent, more friendly chat but it's got me paranoid.

Even though this was years ago and he doesn't talk to her now, I still can't forget it and actually wonder if that was cheating of some sort.

AIBU for still thinking about these messages? I just think that's not the behaviour of a married man?

Does sound like cheating, even if it was only emotionally. You should have confronted him about it then really but I guess didn't out of fear of what the response would be.

You need to talk to him though and get him to be honest about it. It doesn't mean the end of the marriage but you need closure in some way.

I did confront him at the time and he said it was just banter. Every time I've mentioned it since he just gets annoyed.

I think the problem is that you do not feel he was completely honest. The messages do imply (to me) that they had done other things.

In your shoes though I feel like you need to let it go or just go. Too much time has passed to keep bringing it up.

Ah OP this sounds horrible. I'd probably have to sit down with DH and say what's been on my mind. I'd also staple his bollocks to the ceiling if I'd found such messages. Could you tell from his reactions as to whether he's lying about an old affair or not? Hope you manage to get to the bottom of this.

Tbh I think 10 years on is a long time to still be thinking about it and bringing it up, you chose at the time to accept his explaination and stay with him so I do think it's a bit unfair to be bringing up messages from so long ago.

I chose to accept and move on because we were ttc and I was desperate for a baby. We went on to have 2DS.

I haven't brought it up for years but I still think about the messages. He said nothing happened. I forgot to mention, there was also one other that he was messaging, again very flirty.

These were all years ago but I still find myself going through his phone when he leaves it lying around and checking his fb. I've even gone to the point of going through cupboards and drawers looking for phones or sym cards that he could be using to message other women.

He works as a pilot and a couple of years ago we came back off holiday on one of his flights and he was laughing so much with two of the very young, pretty cabin crew that he works with, he doesn't laugh like that with me.

Op, same happened me and I never lost the slightly sick feeling that it would happen again. It did unfortunately.

I think you may feel sick about it still because you know deep down that he would repeat the behavior given the chance. He doesn't think he was in the wrong, so why would he avoid getting into the same sort of chat in future?

You chose to overlook the behavior (i.e., accept it - sorry - when you stay in the rs after a betrayal, that's you saying you're ok with it) because you wanted to have a baby. Fair enough - I'm sure the children were worth that sacrifice (I mean that). But you did make a deal with the devil in a sense. He showed you what he thought was acceptable, and you accepted it, and now here you are, living with a man who you know does not uphold the same standards in relationships as you do. You did have a choice, and your choice led you here.

I think if you're still bothered by the past 10 years down the line, perhaps it's time to vote with your feet, finally. It's vanishingly unlikely that he hasn't done the same again. He's made it VERY clear that he feels entitled to this kind of behavior. Are you really ok with that? Do you want to be with someone who is like that? Wouldn't you be so much happier with a man you felt you could trust implicitly?

Personally - this kind of behavior, flirty chat and so on, doesn't bother me at all so it wouldn't be an issue to me. But it so clearly is to you, and you need to be true to yourself.

I think to some people this genuinely isn't a problem, and I accept that. There are also some people who think smoking weed is not necessarily the pathway to destruction. But for those of us who do have a problem with it, and have experienced worse, we fear that it is gateway behaviour, whereby our tolerance signals that the next step isn't so bad either. I guess it is a function of the relationship you have - do you constantly fear that it is behaviour that will repeat, or can you bank it as a minor blip? And the op sounds in the former category

What would you do if he confessed something happened back then? Would you actually leave him? (No judgement either way by the way!)

One thing I've recognised in cheaters, is once they have got away with it once (as in not caught) they usually repeat. Obviously that's a generalised comment.

Sounds like you are just waiting to catch him out once and for all?