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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please - I've told him to leave

22 replies

Glitterpuff · 27/07/2017 21:26

He won't so I started moving his stuff into the spare room.
He's then got really angry telling me not through his stuff and I'm making his clothes creased and I have no right to touch his stuff.

I'm now in the bedroom while he's outside telling me what a horrible person I am and he's done nothing wrong and he never knew there was anything wrong with me (I have depression and had a mental breakdown in 2015) and I didn't really have a nervous breakdown. Sad

I told him he was emotionally abusive and he's gaslighting and that it won't work.
He replied that I go on the internet and read all this stuff and think it applies to me but it doesn't.

I'm now sat alone crying. I've got no one. He won't leave the house so now I'm in a worse situation than I was before Sad

OP posts:
Needsomeflapjacks · 27/07/2017 21:31

Who's name is the house in for starters?

outabout · 27/07/2017 21:33

If his name is on the deeds for the house you can't demand that he leaves.

Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 21:34

Oh OP. I have no advice but please stay strong, sending you love and Flowers, you aren't alone on here, please keep posting. Are you safe?

BadHatter · 27/07/2017 21:34

Would you be able to pay the house expenses if he left, assuming he'd no longer contribute?

Original poster
Glitterpuff · 27/07/2017 21:39

House is in both names.
I can't afford the house alone the mortgage and childcare would wipe out my salary and I earn too much for any benifits like tax credits.
I'm safe he's run out of steam as I'm not responding, I can hear him huffing about moving his stuff off the landing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterpuff · 27/07/2017 21:41

I can't even go to the council can I because I'd be making myself intentionally homeless. Sad

So now I'm going to have to clean the whole house and look after the baby while he slobs around doing fuck all and is a dick. He could go to his parents but he won't because then he'd have to tell them I want a divorce.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/07/2017 21:48

You could leave and apply to courts to force sale of the house/him buy you out?

Does he work?

Stopping doing anything domestically for him and personally I'd tell his parents too.

Original poster
Glitterpuff · 27/07/2017 21:50

He's brought me food and a gin and tonic now apparently he's not being nice to me he just thought I'd like a gin and tonic Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterpuff · 27/07/2017 21:57

The house is already a shit tip because he does nothing and i can't keep on top of it all. The only thing I'd gain is a load less washing.
He's said some really horrible things, that my life is hard because I make it hard for myself when I literally have to do everything

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 27/07/2017 22:03

If he won't move into the spare room then move yourself in there. Tell him you want to put the house on the market ASAP. If he refuses, go and see a solicitor who can force the sale.
You can't force him to leave unfortunately but you can get things moving quickly so you don't have to live together too long.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/07/2017 22:09

What sort of things does he do to you op?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2017 22:11

I know how hard this is but you've laid it on the line with him so it's time to get up, hold your head high and get on with it. Go about things and don't concern yourself that he's there. Get the house clean, start sorting your finances, get a solicitor and march forward. The sooner you take control the sooner this shit will be over. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Original poster
Glitterpuff · 27/07/2017 22:11

He's gone in there now because I moved started moving his stuff.

How long does forcing a sale take?

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 28/07/2017 08:15

Are you ok this morning op ??? Xx

Original poster
Glitterpuff · 28/07/2017 10:47

Yeah he's gone to work. He made a point of making me a coffee and emptying the dishwasher before he left as if to prove I'm being ridiculous. Hmm
Feel rubbish. Sad

OP posts:
DivorceDating · 28/07/2017 10:56

Oh @Glitterpuff you are literally describing my soon to be ex husband. Did nothing around the house, wouldn't pay his way fully, told me I was crazy. Refused to leave.

Call Women's Aid/local council/local domestic abuse services and make an appointment to get help ASAP. I only left after getting support from our local domestic abuse worker. This was three years after the first physical assault and after much worse plus daily verbal and emotional abuse.

I know how hard it is. You'll need support to break free. I stayed for all the wrong reasons, not being able to cover the costs of the mortgage etc on my own was a huge one. I've been free of him about 6 months and I've never been happier. It's hard to do and hard to stick with at first but please believe there is a better life waiting for you where you don't come home to verbal abuse and being treated like a slave. Xxx

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/07/2017 10:57

I can't even go to the council can I because I'd be making myself intentionally homeless.

7 years ago I went to my local council to apply for housing. I was married with 2 DC at the time. Application asked why I was applying so I put 'D'H was verbally abusive, starting on physical abuse (throwing stuff at me) and was making my life hell (all true). They had me out of there and in temporary accommodation within 7 days.

I never got a council house but after 7 months in temporary accommodation (which was a 3 bed terrace, with big back garden....nicer than I'd expected) I ended up in Social Housing.

Different councils have different rules, so at least speak to them.

DivorceDating · 28/07/2017 10:57

Also the pattern of acting all nice and tidying/cleaning and making me dinner after he's had a major flare up! That's classic abusive behaviour I'm afraid.

Original poster
Glitterpuff · 29/07/2017 12:24

So he came home last night and I'd already eaten with the baby and only made enough for the 2 of us. As far as I can tell (I was upstairs watching TV) he didn't eat last night Hmm

This morning he's said he misses me and thinks everything is fine and can go back to normal? I've told him it's not OK and he said some really nasty things and he just said "I know I'm sorry" and that's it! He wants to go out for dinner now Sad

OP posts:
WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 29/07/2017 12:47

Maybe a good time to sit him down and tell him everything! !! It will be good for you I'd say. Unless you don't want to do that and just want to divorce him. In which case I'd get onto a solicitor to see what your rights are and steps to take regarding the house.

Original poster
Glitterpuff · 30/07/2017 00:58

I don't know what I'm supposed to tell him that I haven't already?

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 30/07/2017 07:10

Get a solicitor to draw up something saying divorce proceedings are imminent, and you'll be leading separate lives from now.
Also include childcare and maintenance monies now.

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