How to speak to DM about minimising things? (Warning: miscarriage topic)

[stumblymonkeyagain]

My DM is lovely and we generally have a great relationship.

However when there is something going on with me that she feels she can't 'fix' she minimises it. This first came up when I'd had a breakdown, I was diagnosed with bipolar and staying in a private MH clinic.

My father, who I saw on Sundays, was quite abusive...neglectful, would leave me as a 6/7 year old for the whole day on my own while he went drinking (sometimes in the house, sometimes at a swimming pool). He was emotionally abusive (made me believe I was going to a primary school for 'special children' and that DM just didn't have the heart to tell me). He'd also been physically abusive when I was younger (threw me down a hallway).

This is not the worst case of abuse I realise but I was fairly hacked off when DM asked "Don't you feel guilty being in there with people who have more problems than you?"

I put her straight quite bluntly that actually the abuse from my father and having bipolar was more than enough reason to be there. She admitted that maybe she sometimes minimised it because admitting it made her feel awful for not knowing what had gone on.

Skip to today....a few days ago I told her that I was pregnant but that an early scan had showed there were potential issues as nothing was there but a sac. I had a re-scan today.

She called to ask how it went and I told her it was bad news and not a viable pregnancy and I was going to have to take suppositories this afternoon to start a miscarriage.

Her response?

• Oh well, there wasn't even a baby there then
• It will be nothing, just like a period
• Mumsnet users who've said you might bleed a lot and/or have a fair amount of pain are wrong. It will definitely just be like a period

There was no...sorry to hear that, no 'take care of yourself', no sympathy of any kind.

Am I being hormonal and over sensitive? I came off the (5 min) call feeling like she'd completely minimised everything when I was feeling quite low about the news and not looking forward to an afternoon of miscarrying (funnily enough!)

I know she didn't mean to (she is genuinely lovely 98% of the time) and we come from a very unemotional family that prides itself on the whole stiff upper lip thing.

Do I pick it up with her, and if so, how?

Or do I just let it go?

My mum is like this. It was difficult to deal with, but I've come to realise that she isn't able to be more understanding.

Neither of us can really understand the others viewpoint. She can't understand why I became depressed after my divorce and I can't understand how she thinks that it's just attention seeking on my part.

Now I try not to confide in her too much and I only see her once a year now. I have some great friends though who are much more empathetic and understanding.

Basically i can't change how she responds, i can only change how you respond to her.

I think I might be guilty of what your mum does, sometimes.

My dd was really upset about some issues at work recently, and I did my usual thing of 'seeing the other persons pov' and 'it's not that bad really' and 'seeing what's positive in the situation'.

I honestly thought I was helping, chivvying her along and so on but she said that I was minimising it and should just comfort her while she sounds off. But I don't get that at all. What's the point? When I'm upset, I like people to address the issue, be constructive, make it better, tell me if I'm overreacting. I can't get my head round just sitting there nodding and listening and giving her a hug or whatever.

Now I know what she needs from me I'll do it of course, I hate that I could make her feel worse about a situation, so could it be that you just need to explain to your Mum what you need? She loves you, so she isn't trying to hurt or annoy you, it's just different ways of approaching a problem.

Very sorry about your mc. Perhaps set this issue with your mum to one side while you're going through it.

Those aren't minor issues with your mum's behaviour IMO. How hurtful.

My mum is like this too. Either "have you tried...?" or "at least...".

RainyApril it isn't just about nodding and hugging, more acknowledging and accepting that something is difficult. It doesn't mean that help or advice will never be welcome; more that it has its place.

When I had a very bad period of depression my family acted as though I was an alien and just tried to jolly me along, snap me out of it. The best thing my Mum ever said to me was "I've been so worried about you". It was like she finally expressed that things had been really bad instead of glossing over it all the time. It meant the world, and helped with my recovery.

I do think it's partly due to us not realising that our dc have grown up, that they need a different sort of support now and that we can't make everything better.

Op if you are close to your Mum and she is great most of the time, as you say, then simply tell her what you need. I was mortified that my dd felt that way and will certainly change my approach, which was never intended to wound but did anyway.

MsJuniper, you're absolutely right and I get it now. But when I'm upset the worst thing anyone could do to me is acknowledge it, so it's hard to automatically see that other people don't feel that way. I'm glad my dd told me.