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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me make sense of this

23 replies

Tickingclockoxford · 27/07/2017 12:23

Hi,
Am a long time user, but always in the shadows!
I need help because I know am on the edge of losing it, and I feel am at the point I can no longer deal with life.

I will try and keep it simple!
I have been with my husband 30 years, we have been married 20, we have one daughter who is now 15 and making her way in the world.

I have always been a working mum and my husband has always worked too, we always had a close relationship and been within our own bubble, that was until he got a new job two years ago!
He works for a medical profession and with the nature of his work he can work long hours and in shifts, this has but a massive strain on me, as I am also working full time and dealing with our daughter and all the house hold work.

Now to the main bit, I dont want to say to much to be identified, but there has been this one women that my husband talks about every single day, every word is about her, and it has been like this for 6 months, he snapchats her, messages her.
When I was in hospital for a operation he kept leaving the room to message her about updates!
He openly admits he flirts with other women at work, and gives them hugs but say he loves me and he comes home to me.
But its just to much! All I can think about is (am not exactly stunning) but when people do flirt with me (which is rare!!) I get all awkward and explain am married and am not comfortable, cause in my mind I think how it could look to my husband if I told him.

I have tried to talk to him about this but he states am over thinking it, and he comes home to me and I have nothing to worry about, but when I sit down and look at what I wrote, all I can think is he just doesn't care.
Now I have been naughty and looked through his phone, and he did message her when I was in hospital, moaning about how inconvenient it was for him, and their was selfies of them together but that is it, I couldnt find anything else!

IS something going on, or am I just being a green eyed monster???

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 12:25

I would not tolerate that

I have no idea if thete is something going on, but expending so much of his emotional energy on another woman does not sit right

He is taking the piss and you sound very passive about it

Needsomeflapjacks · 27/07/2017 12:25

He is encouraging another woman to constantly stroke his ego and he is returning the favour. . Sounds like cheating to me. .
Only you can decide if this is over your personal boundaries. .
It would be past mine and he would be gone. .

Original poster

Tickingclockoxford · 27/07/2017 12:46

It is over the boundaries, but even time i bring it up I end up feeling bad and guilty at the end of it, and begging him for forgiveness.

OP posts:

Brahms3rdracket · 27/07/2017 13:10

It is totally normal for you to feel uncomfortable and tell him. My dp is much closer to a female colleague than he's ever been in all our years together. I know her quite well, as we have kids the same age who get on really well and we've taken short breaks with. Their close friendship still made me uncomfortable as it's not normal for him. I explained this to him recently and he was really understanding, acknowledged he would feel the same and will be more aware in future. I'm happy with this and certainly don't want to kill the friendship and make things difficult at work, but his reaction was understanding and reassuring. Your husband sounds like he's getting far too close to her and dismissing you. I wouldn't tolerate that. Don't let him make you feel bad for expressing yourself.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 13:27

You beg him for forgiveness ?

Seriously ? Christ, he has done a number on you.

Adora10 · 27/07/2017 13:32

Agree with Anyfucker, you're apologising for HIS bad behaviour.

Brahms3rdracket · 27/07/2017 13:36

I agree too, I would never have apologised for expressing my concerns and dp certainly didn't want or expect that. Have you asked him to reverse the situation and how he would feel?

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 13:38

I suspect there is one rule for him and quite another for someone else

Op....why so subservient ?

TheFaerieQueene · 27/07/2017 13:39

What are you asking for forgiveness for? I don't understand.

CremeFresh · 27/07/2017 13:43

Please don't lower yourself by begging for goodness sake ! He's carrying on with this behaviour despite you telling him you don't like it. He has no respect for you at all.

Original poster

Tickingclockoxford · 27/07/2017 13:48

I have asked him how he would feel and he said he wouldn't be bothered as he isn't the jealous type.
He just repeats that men should be allowed female friends without it being classed as cheating.
But the hospital thing has really stuck in my head, he doesn't care about me does he?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tickingclockoxford · 27/07/2017 13:49

I have asked him to change jobs but he doesn't want to even though he complains about it all the time

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 27/07/2017 14:01

A partner can have friends of the opposite sex , of course . What they shouldn't be doing is moaning to these friends that it's inconvenient for them when their partner is in hospital!

Brahms3rdracket · 27/07/2017 14:12

Seems like bullshit to me. Test it, make up a fascinating new man at work, talk about him constantly and send messages at all hours, even arrange nights out (treat yourself to some nice beauty treatments or something instead). See if he really isn't bothered. I very much doubt he'll like it really, but I would doubt his interest if he doesn't react.

I would hate to play games like this personally, but I'm pretty feisty so would make far more fuss anyway. If my dp had reacted the same I would have to ask him if he's more committed to her or me and to make a final decision about if his future includes her or me.

WeeMcBeastie · 29/07/2017 11:42

I think you need to give him an ultimatum here. This isn't acceptable at all. I was in a similar situation and my EXH had numerous female friends throughout our marriage. He had one affair which he admitted to; I made it a condition that if I was to take him back then he would have to end all contact with her and the friend he met her through. He told me that he did but I later found out that he had remained in contact with both! I caught him messaging another woman a year later in these messages he was criticising me! We were visiting my mum and having what appeared to be a lovely time but he told her he was having an awful time with his 'needy wife' and her awful family! Apparently I was needy because I expected him to come out to the pub with my family for the evening! He then had daily contact with this woman for another 3 years and inflicted her and her 3 kids from hell on myself and my DDs on a regular basis. The friendship ended rather abruptly so I have my suspicions about that one too. The next female 'friend' I later found out he had had an affair with for 3 years and he's now marrying!
He would shout at me and tell me how unreasonable I was being, he destroyed my confidence and self esteem to such an extent that I would be the one begging for forgiveness too. Sorry this is long but I just wanted to let you that I understand exactly what you mean. I would advise you to get out of this relationship but if you're not ready for that at the very least issue an ultimatum. You deserve better!

Original poster

Tickingclockoxford · 29/07/2017 23:15

I tried and failed, I ended up apologising again am so weak.
I feel like a bad person again. I feel so lost.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 23:26

The complaining about me in hospital would kill it for me.

I'm not saying I'd leave immediately, but my feelings towards him would change to the point I just didn't give a damn.

It's very easy for women to get a flirting companion... And I wonder how he'd like that.

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 23:30

If you can't stop apologising, stop raising the issue and tell him you don't want to hear about her anymore.

Or start going on about a man in your workplace.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/07/2017 23:48

I suspect your conversations are going wrong because you've got the wrong goals.

The aim of the conversation is not to get him to agree that you are right and that he has been wrong. That will not happen. He is completely happy with the situation.

The aim of conversation is to explain that you find the situation totally unacceptable, that you don't bloody care what he says about it, it is unacceptable to you and either he stops it or your relationship is over. It isn't really a conversation so much as a statement, made by you to him about what you will not tolerate.

Of course you should only do this if you mean it, if you have the strength to refuse to negotiate and simply repeat like a broken record that it is unacceptable to you. You have to go in being aware that he might decide he really really likes the flirting and wants that more than being with you, in which case you will have to walk away because he can't be what you need.

Of course, when told straight to fucking stop it or else, he might do just that.

noenemee · 29/07/2017 23:52

You are not the bad person in this situation OP. You're really not.

Hidingtonothing · 30/07/2017 04:06

OP I think your biggest problem is how little self confidence you have. Some of that may well be about the way he treats you but I can't help but think if you could manage to build your confidence and self esteem up a little you would find it easier to figure out where your boundaries are and how to defend them.

If you really don't feel able to issue an ultimatum (and follow it through if it comes to it) that he stops the behaviour which bothers you then I think you have to do what Sandy suggests and insist he stops talking about her. Then you use the headspace that gives you to build yourself up, have some counselling, do some assertiveness training or whatever you think will work for you so that you can work out what you want to do long term.

Honestly I would hope the outcome will be that you realise you're worth more than he is willing or able to give you and you leave him but whatever the eventual conclusion you will at least be in a better position to stand up for what makes you happy. You're not a bad person OP, if either of you are in this relationship it's him but he's done a good job of crushing you so you struggle to believe that. It's time to fight back, we'll support you if it helps

Original poster

Tickingclockoxford · 30/07/2017 08:27

Thank you and everyone else, I think your right I need headspace to think. I don't have any family to help me or friends they all disappeared over the years. I need a support network.

OP posts:

IDismyname · 30/07/2017 08:53

I'm in a similar situation with regards to my self esteem within my marriage. I can't work out if it's 'me' or 'him' with the problems.

I've talked to my DM a bit about it, but have realised that it's unfair to drag her or any of my family into it. If I do leave, I'm going to take my time about it. It's my marriage and not theirs.

Meanwhile, I'm starting counselling by myself, and for myself. My sleep is all over the place atm, and when I rang to make my first appointment and chatted to the lady, I slept like a log that night! I have a feeling it's going to be very beneficial indeed:)

What I want to say is that you're not alone, and what you feel is... well, what you feel. It's not wrong to be upset at his behaviour, whatever he tries to tell you.

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