Smoking again

[heathcliffthe2nd]

Hi. I live with partner of 3 years with my 2 daughters from a previous relationship.
Been having lots of issues - his moodiness, temper, refusal to settle into family routine etc (he has never been in a "proper" relationship before), reluctance to do anything social with my friends and family. So it's not going brilliantly.....
But my question is around smoking. Before we met he smoked - loads. Like 30 a day I think.
He gave up when we got together which I was so proud of him for. He had the occasional one when drinking which I thought was probably ok.
But the drinking has increased (see above!) and he is now smoking again. All through the day. This time roll-ups. I hate smoking. Respect other people's rights to do so etc. But don't want to live with someone who does it and certainly don't want to kiss anyone who does.
Have laid some ground rules that he doesn't do it in the house or car or around my children. But if I say anything more I am accused of nagging.
Any advice?

I think you and he are not right for each other at all and smoking is just the tip of a very large iceberg underneath of problems.

Why are you with this person at all, is it because you "love" him. What do you get out of this relationship now? What is in this for you?.

Would you want your DDs to date and have a relationship with someone like this man is towards you, why are you showing them that this is still acceptable to you currently. I am wondering whether you actually value and or love your own self at all, your relationship bar seems so very low here as to be almost non existent.

Well smoking is a mix between addiction and compulsive behaviour and is a hard habit to break. You associate smoking with pleasure, coping with stresses, passing time an so many things primarily because you never experienced those situations without a cigarette in hand.

You could try to get him to switch to vaping which generally regarded as less harmful, it still maintains the addiction to nicotine and swaps one habit for another. If he is going to stop using nicotine for good he has to totally change his attitude to smoking and treat it as a controlling toxic addiction rather than a pleasant rewarding pastime, that is why so many ex smokers are so anti, the had to learn to hate it in order to stop.

Unfortunately you can't make those changes for him all you can do is encourage him.

Attila - are you one of my friends in real life? I think I know what I need to do. The smoking is a symptom of how very different we are and how little respect he has for me. But yes I do love him. He's been a great support for me through some difficult times so he's not all bad.

He is not all good either. Have your real life friends been saying similar too?.

I think you perhaps feel that you "owe" him somehow for him supporting you through some hard times. That also makes me think that your love for him is based on some unhealthy codependency.

He may well have supported you back then but look at what is happening now at home. His smoking around you is another way of saying I do not care about you, your DDs and your feelings. Someone who also accuses you of nagging is not a nice person to be at all around really; its just another way of him shutting you down.

But getting back to your daughters is this really what you want to be teaching them about relationships?. What if they went onto meet men who abused them as well in their adult lives, you're showing them that currently at least this treatment of you is acceptable to you as their mother. Its no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

Yes I do feel like I owe him - for a number of reasons.
But my main worry is what example I'm setting to my girls. Don't want them to think this is normal or to settle for anything that's less than perfect.