How do o start this conversation? I feel like walking...

[Vedamakesthebesttoast]

Not sure where to start, apologies if this is all over the place.

I'm not happy in my marriage, my dh can't have any type of conversation with me where our views differ without him rolling his eyes, dismissing my opinions or being hurtful. If I try to point out that thats what always happens, he'll start with the 'oh here we go again' 'you're always fucking right' (in horrible sarcastic sneer) 'dont start' or 'give over' and I just can't say anything without him basically leaving me feeling shaken, unliked and disrespected.

We have two young children together who adore him and he dotes on, but I can't help but feel like that's irrelevant to a point if I feel like I'm walking in eggshells. I'm a SAHM, and feel trapped, my career has gone down the drain and earning potential with two young children who'd both need substantial childcare if I went back to work (both preschool age) is minimal. I've never claimed benefits, dh earns above the threshold for us to be entitled to anything.

I can't even visualise what life as a single parent might look like in terms of finance and living arrangements and spilt custody, but I need to open up some sort of dialogue with him otherwise I'm going to end up telling him to shove the whole fucking thing up his arse and telling him I want a divorce.

I went to bed in tears last night in the children's room while he went to bed without so much as an acknowledgment that he'd been an arse, his parting shot was ' oh so now you're going to tell me how to have a debate as well'. I'd said he hadn't listened to what I'd just said when I responded to him and had just carried on with what he was saying without acknowledging my point of view. Sounds petty written down but it's so wearing every single time we talk about anything that I don't agree with him on. It's also the implication by the 'as well' that I make everything difficult, I just think if he dislikes my company that much maybe we just shouldn't be together as it's hurtful to me and he obviously doesn't like me that much anyway.

I honestly don't know how to start the conversation without him traipsing out one of his stock responses and getting angry and accusing me of making it all about me, or being told I'm playing the poor old me victim card... I just can't shut him down when he starts that because there's no recourse apart from playing into it by saying how hurtful and dismissive is which he then uses as evidence of how right he is...

Don't know what I'm really asking for but writing it down helps in itself.

Could you see a counsellor who would help you clear your thoughts and prepare a plan to leave?
Emotional Balackmail by Susan Forward is a good book to read on dealing with the onslaught that is meant to shut you up.
One useful tip is to pick one line and keep saying it rather than arguing. In the meantime save your own energy and emotions by disengaging wgen he starts huffing and puffing. Maybe go to the bathroom in a casual way.
But l really thing counselling would give you more strength and power to cope in or out of the relationship.

He's horrible. Please leave before he sucks all the life out of you.

Work out what you want to say. Make notes if necessary.

Then tell him you have something important to say, and you're going to say it, without interruption or belittling.

If he interrupts it belittles calmly tell him he is interrupting and/or belittling.

Do not get derailed into answering his interruptions no matter what.

If you want a discussion then say you'll discuss at the end,

But probably better still us to make a stately and then say you will duscuss it with him further once he's had time to think hard about what you have said.

Go in with the attitude that you are in control and nothing he says or does, none of his little tricks, will distract you from your mission to tell the dick what's what.

If he won't hear it from you tell him he'll be hearing about it through different channels so you suggest did his own good he does hear it from you as it's simpler, but if he wants to be an arse and not listen then you'll get a third person in. Don't say who or what, just say he'll find out in due course.

Then be snotty for a bit because sadly that's the language he understands.

Do not roll over easily. If you sense you've gained ground, hold onto it. Don't give it all away the instant he says anything that isn't snotty. Just say it's refreshing he has remembered how to speak to you respectfully.

I'm still here and listening, just feeling a bit numb so not posting.

apocalypse I'd love a dog. Always have but he's not wanted one, so if we did split it'd be the first thing I'd do! (Not sure the cat would approve though!)

I so understand op. I've been married for nearly 15 years and could tick nearly every box on that list. This time last year I suddenly realised I wanted a divorce. It's taken a whole other year of trying to make him understand and see why his behaviour is wrong. But I've now realised that's not going to happen and I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow.

The phrase 'the fog has lifted' is so accurate. I cannot believe the crap I've put up with. One thing that's really helped is sharing with a couple of close friends and seeing the horror on their faces as I've talked about things that, in my life, are just normal!

Take your time but know that his behaviour is NOT acceptable and (as my mum said to me), life doesn't have to be such hard work!!

Dont assume you couldn't cope as a single mother. Go on the entitledto.com website and see what you could get. He would have to pay you maintenance too so check out the maintenance calculator online. Is there equity in the house? If so, get it sold and make sure you get your share of that to help you start again.
It can be done. I'm doing it now. I do work though but I pay a lot of childcare so its 6 and half a dozen!
My ex was similar. Actions speak louder than words, he never listened to me and didn't care about my opinion. So, I had to act. And I did.

I'm following op as this is me too (bar the money and mysogynistic comments). You've made me realise how long it's been since I've laughed.