Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I've done something stupid, need reassurance

21 replies

shakalakadoodah · 26/07/2017 13:02

This morning I text my husband to say I want us to split as we're too different and i can't see us ever working out. I don't feel stupid about asking to split, but I know the way I have done It is totally wrong. H hasn't replied or been in touch.

For background we are currently living separately after 'silent treatment ' EA and breakdown of our joint business earlier this year. H can't or won't face up to any responsibility of our problems and seems to think everything will be ok. This morning after another sleepless night trying to figure out how to sort our business debts I just thought enough is enough.

But sending a text was so heartless, now I'm just waiting, who knows whats next?

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 26/07/2017 13:03

If he's been emotionally abusive and won't engage with you to sort things out I think you were left with no other option. Are you ok?

Original poster

shakalakadoodah · 26/07/2017 13:08

I'm ok, I think all my emotions were spent earlier in the year. I'm just anxious now about what's next and what he will say or do.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 26/07/2017 13:25

If you are in seperate homes, he won't be that surprised.

hatsoncats · 26/07/2017 14:26

You live separately, he was emotionally abusive, he won't face up to the issues, he gives you the "silent treatment" - I can't see how else you could have told him.

Now it is in black and white, he can't hide his head in the sand any longer. Just be careful what else you put in writing (text/email) in case he uses it against you. Keep it emotion-free, factual and concise.

A text in these circumstances is not heartless, it is simply practical. If he had chosen to engage fully, it wouldn't have been this way.

Brahms3rdracket · 26/07/2017 14:32

It was heartless to do this via text and then to expect him to contact you. Texting to split should only be for teenagers and you're married for goodness sake. Call him and arrange to meet on neutral territory to discuss the end of your marriage. He may be distraught and expecting you to contact him.

RoseOfSharyn · 26/07/2017 14:36

Brahms read the OP again.

They are livibg separately.
He is giving her the silent treatment.
He's emotionally abusive.

What else could she have done?

He may be distraught awwwwww poor hard done to abusive twat!!

HerOtherHalf · 26/07/2017 14:37

If he was EA then you need to stop feeling any sympathy for him. Do what feels right for you. End of. You need to be hard because an abuser (regardless of the nature of the abuse) will take advantage of any weakness. Oh, and you owe him nothing so don't feel guilty.

Brahms3rdracket · 26/07/2017 14:45

I'm perfectly capable of read the op thanks Roseofsharyn, that's my opinion and I'm perfectly entitled to it, as are you.

Original poster

shakalakadoodah · 26/07/2017 14:58

To be fair he hasn't been using the silent treatment while we have been living separately. I have been taking DC to spend his days off with him and we were trying to work out a way of living together again, I just couldn't face all the upheaval and stress this week.

OP posts:

Brahms3rdracket · 26/07/2017 15:08

Op could you perhaps send a follow up message asking if he wants to discuss a permanent separation? You have dcs together and will need to communicate about them and access anyway.

Original poster

shakalakadoodah · 26/07/2017 15:11

I can imagine he will be burying his head in the sand about it, he shows very little emotion, its as if he doesn't know how so he just shuts down. Yes i think a follow up text is probably a good idea, I haven't heard any thing from him.

OP posts:

Brahms3rdracket · 26/07/2017 15:18

I think if you're obviously trying to open the dialogue and he still refuses to respond, you've done your best and can't realistically do more.

I didn't mean to be harsh in my initial post, but can't imagine ending a marriage with a text. Having said that I can understand why your frustration at his head in the sand reaction would force this approach.

MyheartbelongstoG · 26/07/2017 15:30

Yes, a text was a little heartless.

hatsoncats · 26/07/2017 15:54

OP - he is keeping you wrong footed. You have tolerated enough.

He hasn't responded because if he stays silent, you never said it, it hasn't happened and the problems will all disappear...

What next? What about a solicitor? I think you are going to need legal advice here.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 26/07/2017 16:13

Just because he has a different approach doesn't make him emotionally abusive, and OPs approach doesn't seem to be successful in anything apart from disrupting their sleep.

What's next is finding a way to conclude the relationship.

Original poster

shakalakadoodah · 26/07/2017 22:22

@Brahms its ok I need harsh! So I sent him a follow up text saying we really need to talk things through and for him to take as much time as he needs then let me know when he's ready to talk. After a few hours he replied to say that he wants to support and help me and for us not to break up. He wants me to meet him tomorrow.

I know I'll cave in face to face. I've put a link to my previous post below which might give a bit more background, hope the link works.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2946161-Could-do-with-an-outsiders-opinion-on-this-situation?pg=1&order=

OP posts:

GlitterSparkles17 · 26/07/2017 22:38

Just read your previous thread. He's a twat, your completely justified sending that text and don't you dare feel bad about it. He's a useless husband and a useless dad by the sounds of things. Don't cave, you will totally regret it.

category12 · 26/07/2017 22:49

If you'll inevitably fold face to face, don't meet him. Get a friend to sit with you and phone him, or go and see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings, make sure you have support to keep you going.

Original poster

shakalakadoodah · 26/07/2017 23:30

I don't know why but I don't trust my decisions. I've made alot of bad decisions in the past and I'm still feeling very sleep deprived and in some kind of fog where nothing seems clear, so I'm just scared of getting it wrong.

OP posts:

hatsoncats · 26/07/2017 23:56

I've read your previous post. Your DH is behind your feelings of uncertainty, fear and confusion. You are not pathetic or weak, but he is insensitive and thoughtless. I am appalled at his & the PILs behaviour to a woman with a new born baby.

You sound as if you are in a very vulnerable position right now and could be taken advantage of. He seems to be implying that you are in some way needy or unstable? Do not accept this. Are you regretting the text Are you ready to start over?

If you decide to meet him, take someone you trust with you, and trust your instincts.Who do you have in your life that only has your best interests at heart? Take them. To protect you against him, and possibly your own soft heartedness.

Do not rule out seeking legal advice.
Agree to nothing. Sign nothing. Take your time.

DistanceCall · 27/07/2017 00:23

Read your previous threads. You were not heartless. In this context, a text was a good option.

Your husband is emotionally abusive. He's not interested in doing anything about it.

Your instincts were telling you something. Get out.

Flip