Please help me...Depressed DH

[helloworld2012]

I am feeling so down right now... My DH is depressed (although he has never been diagnosed as he won't go to the dr). He is pushing me away, he doesn't want to spend time with me or our kids, he wants to go away and be alone, away from all the pressures of normal, every day life. But he also feels like a selfish monster for feeling that way.

He just went away for a few days by himself. He enjoyed himself but now he's back he's fallen deeper into the dark hole.

Please, can someone tell me how to deal with this? Anyone been in a similar situation? I don't want to give up on him, we love him and need him. However, the feeling of being unloved by him, undesirable, annoying etc... it is starting to really get to me. I'm hurt and don't feel like a very valuable person right now.

Also, is there a natural way to treat depression? He doesn't want medication...

involved.

Saying he doesn't want to go to the GP suggests that he's quite happy to have you running around worrying about him, without doing anything to help himself. Either he is genuinely depressed, in which case he absolutely must see his GP, or he is a selfish prick who is taking you for a mug.

Only you will know which he is, but I do wish the best for you and hope he gets help soon.

Sorry, for some reasons half my reply disappear.

I think you need to put your big girl pants on and stop enabling him. Depression is a serious mental health condition and should he taken seriously by all involved.

Saying he doesn't want to go to the GP suggests that he's quite happy to have you running around worrying about him, without doing anything to help himself. Either he is genuinely depressed, in which case he absolutely must see his GP, or he is a selfish prick who is taking you for a mug.

Only you will know which he is, but I do wish the best for you and hope he gets help soon.

Thanks for the feedback. Of course depression should be taken extremely seriously, I struggle to understand why you've suggested that I'm not taking it seriously.

Please can you explain how I am enabling him and what you mean by 'put your big girl pants on'?

Huge sympathy from me and no advice except to say that you can't control or do much about this. Continuing to encourage him to go to the GP is a good idea - perhaps remind him that not all illnesses are visible.

I was coming on to say that depression in your partner is incredibly hard to deal with. And the top advice is to look after yourself.

My DH has been very depressed - diagnosed at Christmas and its been seriously hard work - I have so much sympathy for you.

But he's been doing everthing that is recommended - GP, medication, exercise, seeing people, eating well and avoiding alcohol.

Even with all that its been awful at times - and I don't think I'd have been able to stay with him if he hadn't made that conscious incredibly difficult decision to help himself.

It's his disease and while you can be supportive he has to get help. Seeing his GP - with you there - would be the line in the sand for me. If he won't do it then I'd consider whether I could stay with him or not.

It doesn't necessarily mean he'll be prescribed medication - but he might be.

Do some googling yourself - there's loads of really helpful websites - about depression. A really useful thing I found was

guardian link

and www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/forum/

www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/register

You can get a good booklet called 'better than a bunch of flowers' naff name but I gave it to my In Laws to help them support us.

That's the other thing = get real life support - parents, friends whoever - you and he both need support.

Thank you so, so much for the helpful links and advice and sympathy. It is really hard. Really really hard. I just hope he'll get the bloody help...

My DH became depressed at the beginning of this year after a particularly stressful few months. He became distant, pushed me away, told me he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore… it was awful and I came very close to becoming depressed myself. He hit rock bottom at the beginning of May and at this point I had to tell him enough was enough. If he didn’t see a doctor then we would be over. I went with him to the GP who diagnosed severe depression. He was very against medication at first but agreed to a low dose of AD’s. They began to take effect immediately by helping with his sleep and concentration. He has been on them for just over 2 months now and although he still has ‘down’ days, he is 10x better than he was before. I feel I am slowly getting my husband back, and also my own sanity. He is also due to start counselling in a few weeks.

Please encourage your DH to see a GP. Sometimes people come out of depression on their own given time, but often they need some help from a professional.

Depression is a selfish disease but you also need to set some boundaries and not let him take you for granted. Ultimately he is responsible for his own health and he needs to want to get better. Encourage him and be there for him but make sure you are taking care of yourself too.

As for natural treatments, encourage regular exercise, healthy eating, no/little alcohol. Ideally these should go alongside medication and/or therapy though.

Op I think what green means is that your husband needs to seek help and isn't or won't. You can't help him, he needs to help himself. Carrying on as you are is 'enabling' I say this ad the wife of someone who suffers very bad anxiety and depression at the very least, I'm pretty sure he has sone other Mh problem. I have tried to help him, made allowances for his behaviour, shielded family from it, put up with it for years. Not any more though. His health and refusal to seek help should not be having such a profound effect on me and our relationship, and our children. So in my case I've put my big girl pants on and asked him to leave, told him I'm not happy, ended our relationship. He's still here though, veering between superdad and abusive husband.

Does he fear the stigma of having depression on his medical records? Do reassure him that there is no stigma at all these days. Do support him but unless he takes steps to help himself you cannot do so. Lots of good advice above.

He needs to see his go to rule out physical causes such as an under active thyroid and access talking therapies. Would he consider 'natural' methods such as St Johns Wort?

Doing nothing and making you all suffer isn't working so needs to change.

This is all very helpful, thank you. Yes, I'm pretty sure he would try more natural methods such as St John's Wort. I'll suggest that to him. He's quite sporty and does exercise regularly and eats healthily. When he's off work he's much, much happier and has a lot more patience so I know he feels under a lot of pressure from work.

You're all right though, doing nothing making us all suffer is just making us completely miserable. Things have to get better or it's either going to end in a broken marriage or I will also become depressed.

@feloniusGru and @paradoxicalInterruption thanks for sharing your experiences. It's really good to know that you've been through this and you all are in a better place now. I hope one day I can say the same for us.

My DH also became depressed a few years ago after two very high-stress situations (one at home but it didn't affect me so badly, and one at his work as well which was probably why he was more open to the one at home)

He went on ADs for a few months and came through it. Since then he has interviewed for and been offered various high-paying jobs that require security clearance - it's made no difference that he was on them once.

If it was a problem in his kidneys or something he'd take the medication wouldn't he?!? Well, the brain is just an organ too that runs off hormones and so on, and can go off whack and need to be pulled right with medication - would he also refuse medical help if it was a problem with another part of his body? I bet he wouldn't!!

Please try your hardest to support him through going to see the doctor, I bet he'd be amazed at how many people in his everyday life are on ADs....

In the meantime, big sympathy for you. When I was a teenager I used to listen to a song called Turning Japanese by The Vapors. It has a part where the music stops and it goes
No sex no drugs no wine no women no fun no sin no you no wonder it's dark...
That used to come into my head during those dark days :(

I understand your husband's reluctance to seek conventional ad meds, I'm exactly the same. I've previously taken them and hated them. I use St John's wort and vitamin b complex to try to combat it naturally. I also find daily sex helps a great deal (ads kill my libido so in effect worsen the depression). I think the sex increases the serotonin levels. Exercise and general healthy lifestyle choices are also a great way encourage a positive mindset and body image issues.

I went to the GP for anxiety/stress on SSRI's now, as ever first few weeks were rough, but now they've given me just a enough 'breathing room' & head space to actually realise how depressed I've actually been and can actually objectively look at my life and relationship, how much of a man child/PA I've been, etc and more importantly why I reverted to that behaviour

Talking therapies are the ultimate solution, Mind have local branches where you see someone for free or pay for private sessions and see someone sooner.

St John's Wort is meant to be good, but expensive so I've not taken it long enough to notice an effect, there's also 5HTP supplement, but you need to make sure you eat something Carby with them which was no good for me as I'm trying to cut out carbs to lose weight.

I appreciate all the posts, thank you.

We have just spent the past 2 and a half hours discussing this. It's the first time he's opened up to me about the way he really feels and the longest we've spent talking about it. He admits he's depressed but completely refuses to even try St John's Wort as it 'won't work' and he thinks if he goes to the GP they'll absolutely try to give him ant-depressants! The only thing he might possibly consider eventually is speaking to a therapist but he's making no promises. I'm upset he won't go to the GP and frankly fucking annoyed at his reasons, I just wish he could ask for help.

I don't know what to do from here. I guess keep encouraging him to speak and to go see a professional. This is fucking awful.

Hi OP, I commented earlier and am worried you took my message out of context, but to be honest, I could have worded it better.

I am worried that you are taking on all this as your problem, and I appreciate it obviously affects you and your life massively. But ultimately, it is his problem and he needs to take some responsibility to sort it out, and it is not fair of him to lay it all on you. That is all I meant.

He is lucky to have someone who cares about him so much, but short of frogmarching him to the GP, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Just hope you are OK. But I have had friends in this situation that have just been dragged down further and further. You need to spell out to him that this situation is not OK, that you are worried about his health (and yours) and tell him he NEEDS to see GP.

Hope all goes OK.

Last two times I spoke to the GP, they didn't prescribe me anything, pointed me at a few websites, and discussed how talking therapies will help.

I've just been having a browse around the web for myself and came across these two websites aimed at blokes with depression/anxiety, I'm having a skim-read, the heads up guys one seems pretty good, maybe he could have a browse and read too?

headsupguys.org/take-action/practical-tips/

www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/

I've also been reading articles on this website to find ways to deal with some aspects of my behaviour/lifestyle that've given my wife grief, the articles are compassionate, sensitive, but 'manly' too.

www.artofmanliness.com/?s=depression

Depression is an awful selfish illness and it's very hard for friends and family to deal with, I know how awful it's made me behave, and it's terrible for seeing the wood for the trees from the sufferer's point of view, and can make them incredible stubborn (I know, that's been me)

Sadly the realisation, the urge or need to get help has to come from within, and bloody hell it's hard to get someone to that point.

I hope some of this info helps.

@greenfingerswouldbehandy Thanks for your second post, I'm sorry if I snapped, I did take the first post badly, I think I was on the defensive. I understand better now.

@octavedad thank you so, so much for these links!!! I've passed them on to DH, and I, myself find them really helpful too. I so appreciate your help.

My dh suffers from depression. Initially he refused meds. I did the listening cajoling begging him to seek help but he didnt. Then l began to say lm sure you will work it out and went on with my own life..then he went to GP took meds and even went to hospital for treatment. Its so difficult to step back and take care of yoyrself but it seems to be helpful to them too.
Put responsibility back on him.
Its not easy but please take care of yourself. Meet friends exercise read a book ..whatever helps.