Gosh. Where to start. I will try and be a thorough as possible and get to the point of the frustration. I know some comments are going to be negative here but would be useful for some constructive advice/thoughts.
Background
Met my OH when I was 27 in 2011, he is 13 years older than me. Love story etc fell hard, however, huge problem and elephant in the room from the beginning was that he was not quite unattached. He was separated and not yet divorced and living separately. He also had a daughter who when we met was 4 years old. In fairness I didn't know he wasn't divorced until a few months in. I thought it was all done and dusted. Still in hindsight, I would always advise not to get involved with someone who is still not completely free as it causes complications, heart ache and ultimately them not being free to be totally yours as you will see once I bring you up to speed. I was naive and in lots of ways selfish.
So storey goes, after many promises of divorce being sorted within the first year of being together, we move in together after 6 months into rented accommodation. A year later, no divorce and I haven't met his daughter yet still. He had her every other weekend and he would stay with her at his mothers. Ex knew we were living together. Towards the end of the 6 month tenancy we moved as already had committed to another flat. Things had started becoming difficult and we were arguing as promises had been broken. During this time his daughter started private schooling. Also, him and his wife still had joint finances, joint credit cards the whole lot. They both worked and earn't decent salaries, although he did earn almost double to her. I broke up with him about 1.6 years into the relationship as things still hadn't progressed. We ended up getting back together and I met his daughter and we went on holiday all together. RE the finances here - I have to point out that although my salary was at the time a lot lower I was financially contributing to the rent and food etc. He had started financial mediation with his ex ( but still wife). 4 months after moving back in we broke up again and I moved out. Again, he perused me and promised me things were being sorted. Promised that I could move back in and not pay him rent, instead put that money aside to save for a house together. Again, this didn't transpire and by March 2014 I have decided to leave him once and for all.
However, new twist. I now find out I am pregnant. After the initial shock and tears and anger with myself, I decide that I could not get rid of the baby. I was nearly 30 and in my mind, I would regret it more than keeping. So we decided to keep the baby. We moved out of the flat in the aim to save/him to sort out his finances with wife and divorce and look for our own place. He moved to his mothers in London and me to my parents in Kent. I was lucky with my preg - it was an easy ride in terms of the physical, however, it was a miserable time for me emotionally. I was commuting into London from Kent not living with my OH who I was in continuous rows with about getting things sorted. 2015 our baby boy arrived. Love of my life. I had already decided that I would stay in Kent with my parents- as he still hadn't done anything. In August 2015- we found a house in a village near to where his daughter lives and against everyone's and including my reservations I moved with him in Jan 2016 to give us a chance as a family. He was still not divorced ( a petition had been made but not served) and also the house was solely in his name as my credit wasn't fantastic and the mortgage rates were lower for just him. He separated the finances autumn 2015, and ex got the house in the UK and abroad. He agreed to pay all his daughters private schooling plus costs for the au-pair.
OK zip forward July 2017. Our son, is very settled into the village, my 'step daughter' comes every weekend and all is generally fine. However here is where I am:
The petition that got started in 2015 was closed as he didn't pursue. He has now started it again however, still hasn't been filed.
We are paying school fees, which they are now in dispute about as they are set to increase and she expects him to pay these plus when she wants to do any extra classes etc. She gets him to set up the DD.
With regards to our son, he says we will do what we can afford when it comes to schooling but unlikely he will go private.
I gave up my full time role in London in 2016 and started as self employed. I work from home, although I really do work and work hard, and travel to London once a week. Our son goes to childcare. I earn a fairly decent salary.
I contribute towards to house, I pay for all of sons childcare, I pay for maintenance of the property. In fairness, all of my salary goes in.I do not own the house. We have been to see a lawyer about going on the deeds however, this is not possible with his current mortgage providers.
He doesn't have a will. He has life insurance through his work and he has provide on this 50% daughter 25% son and 25% me. I think this is odd.
As he works in London he leaves at 6am in the morning. We currently only have one car so I drive him to the station if I need it for the day. He is not home till 7:30-10pm in the evening. Or he will stay in London. So I am practically on my own and can't do anything in the evenings unless i pay someone to look after our son.
He does not help with any day to day routine for our son, doesn't lift a finger ( i mean not one) in the house, won't even make the bed or change a light bulb..
So here is me my stance:
I am frustrated with the situation of no support a lack of commitment and respect. We have argued and spoken about it over and over again. I don't think I am or his son is No 1 priority.
He says:
He loves me, wants it to work, I need to be patient. He will get a divorce. We will do what we can for our son. He will get will he will do this and do that. If I struggle at home get a cleaner ( which I would have to pay for out of my money). We need to keep our family together. He says I can't keep on point and I'm neurotic.
My family and friends tell me to leave him and I am close but am I being unfair, am I being irrational?