My mum dislikes my husband

[garammasala]

I've got a problem between my mum and my DH. She was here once, and he lost his temper with one of the children, and she heard the shouting, although wasn't in the same room. My DH has a loud voice, and so sounds worse than he is. He'd never physically hurt anyone, and I've only known him to lose his temper maybe three times in the decade we've been together, and this was the first time with one of the children.

My mum won't stop mentioning it. Every time we speak, she mentions it. I've told her to stop, but she just says she's worried for me and the kids. She has no reason to worry. I'm not worried. It was just a moment of madness that unfortunately she witnessed. But every time I tell her that, I think she thinks I'm defending an abuser.

I don't want them disliking each other. I don't want things to be difficult when they're together. But she's like a dog with a bone when she's got something in her head. She's not going to stop.

Any advice?

And before it sounds like I'm defending him and not seeing his faults, I know he was in the wrong to shout that way, he went a bit far. He realises that as well.

Tell her you find her attitude an insult to you more than to your dh. If you had an issue with him you are more than capable of dealing with it yourself. .
She needs to keep her nose out or she won't be welcome in your home - after all it is his home too and he shouldn't be the subject of her gossip in it. . .

In my opinion , honesty is the best policy. There's nothing else you can do if you have already spoken to her, maybe ask him to speak to her. If that doesn't help then let her be. I don't get on with my mother, would rather shoot my toe than talk to her, your mum seems to be concerned , if there's nothing there she will eventually stop worrying.

Needsomeflapjacks that's it exactly. She clearly has no faith in my judgement, my ability to know when things are right and things are wrong, but also my ability to keep my children safe. I'm a grown up. I can look after my family.

Warn her that you will walk away/hang up the phone if she mentions it again as you are sick of it. Then follow through every time.

This would drive me crazy.

I hope she'll eventually stop worrying! And shut up.

Maybe I will have to start hanging up the phone. Then she'll whinge to my siblings and I'll have them onto me all the time.....

I can see why she's worried, lots of women cover up for abusive partners - it's not about your judgement, those women are often too frightened to admit what's really going on or mentally abused into believing that it is normal.

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship and has seen a friend go through one I can see her point of view too. She is clearly really anxious about your well being and your DCs.

Hanging up on her is only going to increase her anxiety. I think you need to see her face to face, and tell her that it's the very last time that you'll discuss it. Then tell her that you know what she's thinking, reassure her that you are not in an abusive relationship etc and let her talk and ask questions until it's out of her system. Then ask her not to bring it up again.

When she was raising you did she ever lose her temper and shout? Most parents do at some point. Might be worth reminding her.

Has your husband ever apologised to her face as I'd imagine what he did was scary? She only has your best interests here, I doubt she's trying to cause trouble.

Well maybe just maybe she has a point. It is worrying when you hear someone shout and you're not used to it. You get completely desensitised to it after a time.

In your OP you say he has a "loud voice" but that he actually lost his temper for the first time. How old are the DCs?

Yes, he did apologise to her, straight after.

She had a horrendous temper when we were growing up. Both my parents did, but her particularly. I got slapped a few times.

I can understand her being worried in a way, but she has to take my word for it that everything is ok. Even if it wasn't, until somebody's ready to address it, there's not a lot a person can do. I just don't know how I can convince her that it is all fine.

I'd mention her temper and the slaps every time she brings it up

Children are two and almost five. It was the younger one he shouted at. I told him what I thought about that, so he knows I disapprove.

By loud voice, I mean that if he says no to the kids to stop them doing something, it naturally sounds a bit scarier than if I do it. He doesn't actually use his voice to shout very often, his talking is loud enough.

Well the fact that she shouted as a kid will explain why she acts the way she is - she probably feels guilty about what she did.

Why does your dh need to use a loud voice. It probably sounds overly aggressive. Does he do t at work or to you?

So she was at your home once, witnessed his shouting and has never been back?

And her assertion is based solely on this one incident?

He was shouting at a child of 2 or under, so loud, that he could be heard that clearly in another room. That would worry me too. It demonstrates a lack of control I wouldn't be happy with.

Tell her to keep her nose out. I had this with my mother, I shouted at dc as they were being very bold and she says in front of them that I shouldn't shout at them, so I reminded her she used to batter us for a lot less so keep her nose out.
She was quite shocked but learnt there would be no interference in my family from someone who battered us because they felt like it.