DH having an emotional affair - I think?

[concerns]

This will be long but I don't want to drip-feed.

DH and I have three young children, we both have busy jobs and moved a few years ago to a new city, so we have a limited support network, certainly no family locally. We bought a dump of a house and have completely renovated it. So, for context, we have had a hectic few years and have been through the stress mill.

DH has a history of depression, mostly untreated, though in the last year he has been receiving treatment (anti-ds, CBT and counselling) and is making big improvements. This has often manifested itself as him rejecting the company of others and isolating himself which has made me feel quite alone in it marriage and lonelier more widely - I do have friends at work and friends I have met locally but we rarely socialise as a couple.

A sticking point for a few years has been our sexual incompatibility - DH would happily have sex daily and I not so much, but a large part of this has been a lack of attraction to him. He can be quite short-tempered and dismissive of me, plus the usual grind of living with someone who has different standards of living to you. For context, he is an incredibly engaged parent and we are a serious team when it comes to the raising of our kids.

So, predictably, as his fitness and attitude has improved over the last little while, he has been going out more. There is a woman he works with who I have always known he has found attractive - neither of us are very jealous by nature and have been open about things like that in the past. A few months ago, he was suddenly going out more, making an effort to look nice and then told me one evening that he had met with this woman to clarify to her that nothing could happen. At around the same time, he suggested that we begin to have an open relationship in the interests of remaining together but for both of us to be happy. I clearly explained what he had done, why it was awful, why it really couldn't happen and he seemed to get that.

Fast forward to now and I notice similar behaviour changes - more of an effort. He has been exercising a lot, being nicer to me and I have found myself much more attracted to him, both mentally and physically. He raised the issue of an open relationship again. Feeling a bit alarmed by this change in his behaviour (he is very predictable by nature) I asked him if he had continued to see this woman. He admitted that he has kissed her once, whilst at work.

I feel in many minds about this. Neither of us have nurtured our relationship as we should have done and I know there are a lot of points at which I could have been more engaged/done more. I don't feel horrified at the prospect of an open marriage, but have no idea how this would work in principle and actually, feel he is asking permission to have an affair with one person specifically, with whom he clearly has a close emotional connection.

I worry that my lack of horror about this proposal means that things are over with us.

I suppose I just need some outside perspectives on this. There are not many people I can discuss this with in an unbiased way and because I don't yet know what I want to do moving forward, I want to limit my discussions.

How would he feel if it was you with someone else in the wings?.

I have asked him that self-same question and he has found himself unable to answer it.

He has told me a lot that he can't continue to sublimate his sexual desires without becoming incredibly unhappy again. And that he acknowledges it is completely unfair to expect me to change my wants and desires to suit him. This is something that we have been discussing for years now. But I wonder if a large part of my lack of interest has stemmed from his lack of interest in self-care and his general grump (that classic cyclical thing of me needing to feel loved in order to have sex, but him needing to have sex in order to feel loved)

Not sure I can offer any helpful advice on this - but didn't want to read and run. You sound very sensible and levelled about the whole thing which does suggest you may have emotionally detached some time ago.
I suppose it's a case of deciding ether you would prefer life with or without him. And with him sounds like making some serious compromises which you have to be ok with. I know I wouldn't be but we have different expectations of a marriage . Good luck x

You should go right now and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

Maybe one day you might choose to be in an open relationship but I hope you don't choose your H's proposition. Whereby you give him a pass to be unfaithful.

As for you not meeting his needs in bed. Why doesn't he take a bit of responsibility for treating you like shit and putting you off.

The book I've described is excellent. Your h is playing you for a fool. I'm sorry.

I'm almost a year separated from my pig of an h. It is manageable.

Good luck.

He's either already having an affair, or he's about to have one, and he's trying to get you to agree to it. After everything you've been through him and how you've supported him through his depression, this is a slap in the face. I'd call his bluff and get him to leave. He'll be crawling back within the month.

He needs to be making the effort for YOU......you already said that his lack of effort in himself was putting you off.

Sounds like some couples therapy could work??

This is your call, and you can take your time. I would think its pretty much a given he is having an affair and wants to get rid of the guilt. Its hard if you are busy with the kids, too busy for your own affair, but on personal experience its a rather fabulous way to get rid of the annoyance of a partner shagging around. Or if you dont want that, get rid. Most people do, they seem happy enough.

Even if you are willing to go along with this scenario, there seems to be a third person involved who will have her own expectations and agendas.

I can't imagine she will be willing to share for long.

Yes, I agree with that point. I have asked him what she wants from life - an ongoing affair with a married man for a 30 year old isn't ideal, is it?

The only person this scenario would be ideal for is your husband.

I agree with PP. I think you have already emotionally detached. I wonder if there is a part of you that hopes he does leave for this other woman. You sound almost relived.

This isn't a criticism. It's fine to feel that way. I would get all my ducks in a row and leave if I were you.

It's not an emotional affair if he's kissed her and they always minimise, so I suspect if not full sex, there has been more than a kiss.

It's an ideal situation for him really, as he gets two women and doesn't feel the cost and upheaval of divorce.

He wants permission for another relationship, which isn't usually how open marriages start.

When you open that door, it can't be closed and is the beginning of the end.

It's not just sex with her as the emotional bond has been formed.

Is this what marriage looks like to you? Would you be happy with it and if he's not your life partner, might as well end it now while you're young enough to start over.

To me it's not a emotional affair if he's kissed her it's physical. He is either up to more and doesn't want to keep hiding it or he is asking your permission to sleep with her.
I couldn't be in an open relationship personally

I agree that this is just a way of asking for permission to have an affair (or to 'legitimize' an affair that is already happening). An 'open relationship' that starts in this way is unlikely to survive it's first contact with real life. How OW feels about all this is only the start. What about when the children find out - is this a relationship model you are happy for them to learn - or colleagues, family and friends?

Supporting someone who has depression can be exhausting even without all the extra pressure you've had over the last few years. And there's a danger that everything becomes about what is 'best' for them and what will 'keep them happy/well', rather than what is best for the family and what you really want for your own future.

Please try to focus on what you want rather than what suits your dh.

I agree with life. You need to focus on what you want.

I think he's having an affair already.

Emotional affair my arse!

Your H has made it clear to you at least twice that he wants to shag other women! What do you think he means by 'open relationship'?

What he wants is your blessing to go and fuck someone else. If he isn't allowed to do that via his 'open relationship' then he threatens to get 'depressed' again because of having to 'sublimate his sexual desires' and it's your fault!

What a absolute crock of shite.

Forget about him and his wants and needs ... and focus on you, because you don't sound at all happy! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a marriage with at least three people in it - because if the object of his current desires doesn't want to play ball, then you can guarantee there will be someone else.

What about your sexual and emotional health?

So he needs sex to feel loved but wants an open marriage where he can have sex but not love?

Marriage is meant to be based on you both putting the other one first.

I can see evidence of you doing that.

This isn't him putting you first.

You sound desperately unhappy, OP.
From my (limited) understanding, an Open marriage is one where the spouses are committed to one anether but superficially see others (though I may be wrong). From what you've described, he wants two wives, or at least two concrete relationships.
Quite frankly, I think it's laughable that he thinks he's that much of a catchat a use he sounds like dirt to me.

As PPs have said, he needs to take some responsibilty for your sex life, nowhere do you say he's made an effort for you. It all seems very "me, me, me" (from his side) - is he selfish in other ways too?

Be happy - I'm not sure a marriage, open or otherwise, with this man is going to fulfil you

I would be worried he wants to try new relationship without risking current one. If it goes well with mistress I worry he would fall for her.

I think you need to think about what you want carefully. Counselling together may help. Or even an 'open marriage' but to me i would exclude this woman as an option. 1) she is a colleague it is messy. 2) there is an emotional attachment.
If he 'needs' more sex then he should ask to sleep with random woman but not her it's another relationship he would be having. Why does he need that?

If he won't drop her, you should drop him. He didn't stop the first time, it's clearly started to get physical, and if his sexual desires are reappearing he should be exploring them with you.
He can't have much respect for you if he's asking you to tell him it's ok to cheat on you.

Oh, and LML is spot on with the sex vs emotional relationship. Tell him he can have extramarital sex with no emotional ties (ie not with this woman) and see what he says. Bet he wouldn't accept that (or would just hide the fact it was her). He sounds like an arrogant, self-centred idiot. At least you have seen his true colours and can now plan to look after yourself, because I don't think you can rely on him saying, once he's got a taste of his exciting new relationship, while you do the dogsbody work at home to enable it.