Should I keep pushing on, or give him space to process?

[OnwardsNewLifeAhead]

I have finally told H I am going to start divorce proceedings.

We have been married 15 years, have 3 dc with ASD, and our relationship has been non-existent for many years.

Last week I told him outright we need to get divorced. He professed shock, dismay and hurt, and claims he doesn't think we need to get divorced. Repeat for a few days, then a conversation where he tells me he still doesn't think we need to get divorced, but he has accepted I want to, but asks me if i will sleep with him one last time 'for the memory' before we do. We have not had sex for nearly 6 years, and our sex life was dire before that too. I said no, and he has been frosty since then.

He is delaying telling the dc. Initially it was just before our youngest's birthday, so I agreed to delay. It is now not long until our eldest's birthday, and I expect there will be a whole host of 'yes, but it's XYZ' soon reasons after that.

He has now informed me that (adult) stepdaughter is visiting this weekend and 'will need a bed'. I moved into the spare room after telling him last week, and so I guess the implication here is that I should vacate the spare room for dsd. Dsd visits once in a blue moon, was here a couple of weeks ago, and due again in two weeks (both times to watch shows that dc2 is involved in). It would ordinarily be very unusual for her to visit again in between.

I suspect he is playing silly buggers, whether consciously or not. He is highly manipulative, and more than anything will be wanting me to acquiesce, quieten down, and forget about the whole thing. His has happened before (more fool me) but not this time. So, I suppose it is up to me to make a stand and say I won't move out of the spare room. (We have a sofa bed available, and also a blow up bed which could be put up, so it's not as though dsd can't come and stay if I don't vacate spare room)

His argument will be that dsd will definitely know something is up, and isn't likely to let it go (nosey, persistent, and wont care about asking awkward questions in front of the dc) - just makes me think we should tell them all the sooner, tbh.

So, should I give him some space to process - albeit space to process that I finally mean what I say and intend to follow it through, rather than space to process our relationship is over which he has known if not acknowledged for years now - or keep pushing on and try to get a timeframe for telling the dc etc? I have the feeling this is all part of him stalling, but if I push to make it all happen, he will get arsey.

This is all just part of him trying to keep me where he thinks I belong, isn't it?

He's going to get arsey anyway and his daughter will know at some stage too so why not now? Don't go back to sharing a bed with him if you are adamant you are separating/divorcing.

I'd either put the blow up bed in your room if you have space or sleep on the sofa bed.

This might be what's needed to force his hand, perhaps tell him he needs to tell his DD, but the other DC haven't been told yet.

Don't fall for his games.

I can't get over no sex in 6 years and now he wants one last time. Ridiculous.

If he doesn't

He's going to get arsey anyway. You can pick when - you can carry on capitulating in the hope he will somehow come round to your way of thinking, or you can gird your loins and push for what you want right now.

Negotiating your divorce with someone who doesn't want to get divorced is very tough (been there, got the scars - and look at Brexit). Expect it to be painful and messy at times, but like childbirth it is only for a relatively short period and will be so worth it when it's done.

There will never be a good time to tell the children, so bite the bullet.

Best if you do it yourself now, and do it right, rather than wait for DH to do it in a shower of tears, and your mum doesn't love me any mores, it's all her fault...
Tell the youngest calmly now, and DSD at the weekend. Make it clear there is no going back, it's over and you are trying to keep things amicable.

One thing... You tell him you want a divorce, and his reply is "lets have sex one last time?" Doesn't that disturb you? The marriage is over, but I still want sex? Is that all he wanted you for?
I would NEVER share a bedroom with this man again. I don't think you can trust him. Could he have been planning to film it, to watch again when you're apart, or to use against you at some point?

Make other sleeping arrangements for DSD. Do not allow her visit to force you back into a bedroom with your "DH". DO NOT move out of the spare room. Please be careful.

Yes, I couldn't get over the one last time either. And t doesn't make me feel comfortable about sharing a bed, even if I were willing to do so temporarily (which I'm not).

There is ample space for the blow up bed - in the sitting room, or in another (unfurnished) spare room. And the sofa bed is new and comfortable - my dss has slept on it, and my uncle - perhaps even dsd, tbh I can't remember.

I just don't see why I need to be the shifting around (although to be entirely fair he hasn't directly said this, just 'dsd will need a bed' as though I am the only one capable of making any decision then when I do, that decision will be criticised)

I have seen a solicitor, and he has received initial letter telling him I intend to divorce him, so he knows I am serious.

Cross post, hatsoncats. Yes, that request has made me extremely uncomfortable. It's almost 6 years since we last did (was when ds was conceived, and he just turned 5) and even that was a one-off after a couple of years with no sex. I have no idea what he was thinking, and again he was 'hurt' when I said (an emphatic) no.

Sounds like you're waiting for him to agree with you.

That's not going to happen so you need to push on regardless.

Someone's told him that sex is a very bonding experience between couples so he assumes if he gets you laid you will fall back into line again. Also if not getting any is a factor in your split he wants to eliminate that as a reason. Obviously it can't be any fault with his wonderful personality

Maybe someone should explain that it's only a bonding experience if it's any good...

My abusive ex made a simular proposition in the run up to my leaving ie bags were metaphorically packed, he knew I was going. I think the sex suggestion was about ownership.

Well, I told him I'd ensure the playroom floor was clear enough of general detritus Lego to be able to use the sofa bed for dsd. He countered with 'or could use the blow up he'd in the sitting room'. So I've no idea what point he was trying to make, and I don't care.

I honestly have no idea what the sex suggestion was about. I still feel uncomfortable if I even try to work out where it was coming from - as a pp said, it really does feel as though I am good for little more than physical sex. Urgh.

I know he has received a letter from my solicitor, but he has yet to mention it at all.

He has gone into overdrive with the dc - leaving for work later than he has ever done in the 18 years we've been together, and twice this week he has arrived back home at 6pm - again, totally unheard of, and not something he has ever managed to do before. I assume he is either attempting some kind of last-ditched effort to prove to me the marriage is worth saving (it's not, and this won't work) or he is trying to build up a record of being involved with the dc's daily lives (he isn't, generally, he couldn't even work out from the school calendar what events they were involved in last term, as he wouldn't even know what year they are in).

Oh well, the ball's rolling now, I guess I just wait for a response either from him, or his solicitor.

Keep a diary of events - eg detailing what you've said, above: that he knows next to nothing about the kids, not even what year they're in (ditto my exH btw - the one who propositioned me for sex in the last few days of living under the same roof).

You need records like this for when the divorce process gets going in earnest.

I have a diary. It is so tedious, and repetitive/monotonous, I makes me sound like a nag. Seriously, there is so little he does/attempts, what he does do he mucks up routines (this is the bit that makes me sound like a nag, like anything he does isn't good enough, I am controlling etc, but seriously, with 3x ASD to contend with, routines are our life, and the only way to get through the day without upset), and he hasn't the first clue about anything school related, whether academic (phonics, maths methods etc) or social (extra curricular groups, friendship groups, etc). He never does anything at all around the house, literally nothing except his own washing (and complains about doing that) - no help with the children's washing, never does the dishwasher/bins, or any other general muck-in household stuff.

It is dull to have to keep a record (and can sometimes feel re-traumatising) but if you want to ensure he doesn't get unsupervised access when you split it's essential you keep it up.

He sounds like a dead weight on an already challenging workload.