Am I a bad wife?

[Angela2963]

Me and dh have been together for 11 years and married for 4 years.
We have a dd who is 3.
We've had a fair few rocky patches in our time together but are always trying to work on our relationship.

We have one main issue that has separated us right from the start...... We want to live in different places.
He is from the north and I am from the south. We met near his hometown whilst I was studying and I ended up staying for him, thinking life would work out well.
Unfortunately life has never quite panned out the way we'd hoped it would and over the years my dream of moving south has only increased.
I've never hidden my desire to move south and in the early days I tried my best to convince him we should do it, but there was always some excuse that I'd accept.
More recently I have brought it up once again as due to unfortunate circumstances he has had to retrain in a new career so the job that was keeping us here is no more.
I think he feels the same about being in the south as I feel about being up here,but we are both aware that one person has to make the sacrifice.
I've told him the positives and negatives I see for both options and we are trying to discuss it realistically.

My question is, is it wrong for me to try to convince him to move because it's my dream to do so?
Does it make me a bad wife wanting to be close to my family when I know he'd rather stay where we are?
Or is it a case of he is pushing for his ideal of living up here knowing how I feel about it so it's OK for me to push for mine.

I think I've stopped being able to see the wood from the trees and don't want him to be unhappy bit also have to do what I think is best for my happiness and our future.

V similar. Northern DH. It's tough fortunately DH's work us in London but we often have the "I want to be in Yorkshire".

I humoured him for years. We even bought a London "pad" intending to buy another home in the North for weekends at first and then for keeps.

I was so lucky. He hated modern, posh, three storey gated and agreed to compromise on one main Surrey pile. [dancing with relief emoticon ]

Good luck.

Hello, are you me? I'm stuck in Scotland and I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay here. I feel like I'm living in exile. All my friends and family are far away and I just don't fit here. DH hates my home town but I long to live near my parents. It sucks, I know how you feel.

Neither of you are "bad" or wrong. What matters is where will you best be able to provide for your family. If he gets an excellent job and will be the main financial provider, then you should love wherever that job is. The same applies for you. If you get an amazing job somewhere and that job supports the family, then that's where you live. Marriage is a compromise, and the welfare of your family must prevail.

If his objections are practical -too expensive,no job prospects-then you need to ask yourself has he got a point.
.If it's just because he doesn't fancy it ,then he is being a bit selfish or possibly lazy.You have sacrificed for the relationship,why shouldn't he?

We've both started new careers so are at the bottom of the ladder on the job front so no big job keeping us anywhere.
At the moment I seem to be the one with the drive to get furthest in my career and although there is more cost living in the south, there is better pay opportunities too.
The addition of having the emotional support is huge. His parents are all for financial help should we need it but are lacking in other support.
My family however are very forthcoming about both.
Parents love spending time with dd and will happily look after her just to give me and dh a break. Same with dsis who loves her niece.
Dhs parents love dd but are less inclined to want to spend time with her on a regular basis.
Essentially the north offers a bigger home and more surplus money once we have progressed enough in our careers, and the south offers more emotional and physical support.
For me the support is more important than the big house especially as I know dh wants another child and last time I felt isolated and alone. Never got a break and Dhs parents didn't really want to watch her solo until she was about 2 and even then I could count the times on my hands.
On the other hand my family would be very supportive in that sense and being as I seem to be the one who takes charge of 75% of housework and childcare I could do with my family and my best friend (my sister) being closer.
I don't begrudge Dhs parents for that choice as they clearly value their own time but when my family would jump at the chance to look after her its tough.
Plus I generally just miss them like crazy. I know my parents are getting older and I just feel like I'm missing out on their life and they are missing out on dds.
Oh and I have 2 nephews who I adore and dd love stories pieces so to be able to spend more time with them and her get to see them more is priceless.

Reading this having just woken up, so sorry for typos! It sounds like there are two issues: one being wanting to live closer to family and one being needing a bit more 50:50 on the mental load of life.

The where to live issue is difficult, but you should be making it very clear to your DH that you need and want more support with family life and wirework, and point out that since he's not compromising on where to live he has no excuse not to be stepping up in this regard! Not that he does anyway of course, but might make him realise that distance to your family is more than just a general preference thing? Good luck!

*wifework

Unless you are an electrician...

I spent 30+ years living in an area that I disliked, firstly because I was a child and had no choice and then because I married a man who came from there and insisted that he couldn't live anywhere else, even though it would have made more sense to live closer to the city that was the base for his work (he worked away). After we split, I moved to live with a friend and he fucker moved abroad and still lives there. I try not to feel bitter about the years I lived in that area, because I do still have friends there and there were some good times. I am far more settled in my new home than I ever was before, but when I return to my home area, I do feel homesick to move back. It isn't an option at all, as I well know, and I am not hankering after it all the time, but there are days when the desire to move back is overwhelming. You need to have an honest conversation with your DH.

Yea I agree, a proper conversation about it all.
I've told him that I basically need him to "sell" living where we do. What are his future ideas, aspirations being here? How will things change if we stay here?
He is less than eager to give that information which just makes me want to move more because I don't see any passion for living here from him. Just his friends are here and he doesn't want to move.

I've tried asking before and that's even worse for him than moving and I think I agree. Best to at least be close to one family set as halfway would still be 2hrs from each!