You know those people that suck your positive energy out. They say keep away from them. How do you cope when Its your mum

[Bananaknickers]

this has been hapening for years and really gets me down. Anyone else going through this?

I can empathise with this bananaknickers (great mane btw)

I have had lots of therepay about my relationship with my dm and the only way I can deal with it is to keep myu distance. that doestne me physiclalyk, but emotionally. so i dont get drawn in. It does help. but it is hard.

can you give some exaplmes?

My Sil is like this so I just put up an imaginary shit shield to reflect it all back to her.

She is like a power plug wanting to plug into me and steal my energy!

I do my best to not engage in her crap but it is probably not that easy for you with it being your Mum.

The shit shield works for me though!

Move

sorry, but that's about the only thing you can do except tell her to keep her distance, which usually makes things worse.

my sister has this kind of relationship with our mum - but I don't.

she copes with it by not telling her anything that she is worried or concerned about - everything is kept on the superficial level.

My mum has got used to it and sees her as a private person but I know it is because my sister finds her so negative that she keeps everything super light so she can't get to her.

agree with other posters. YOu can only keep your distance.

The poisonous relationship won't get better until your mum changes and only she has control over that. All you can do is preserve your own mental health.

Every time I talk to my mum I feel angry and depressed by her denial of our past problems so I have resolved not to ever really talk to her, just to do polite chit chat, and to avoid her whenever I can. Just the chat is wearing though I have to say & wonder why I even bother with that- just to preserve a facade of calmness I suppose.

toxic mother thread

She moans but won't help herself
She never sees the good in anything
She has never made me feel like I can achive anything
She only rings me to moan about someone or something
she never looks after my children
If something happens in my life that is bad It happened to her once
If someone does something nice for me she turns it around to distrust. How could they possibly be nice to me they must be up to something

Honestly the list goes on. I have had therapy too. It hurts so much that she can't be happy about anything Losty.

I still have a low self estem because of the way she makes me feel

banana this is sounding v. familiar. YOu're not at all alone in this, do check out the thread monkeytrousers has indicated.

She is trying to spread the load, to absorb you into her problems which no doubt overwhelm her life- NOT your issue but hers. You do have the option not to accept the burden of her negativity although it is so hard because of course you still want her support and love, quite understandably.

I've had to accept I'll never have a love relationship with my mother and try to move on from that but there are no easy solutions.

When I had therapy a lot came out.
When my dad left and I was a little girl she would leave suiside notes around the house. She would drink and take sleeping tablets. Somehow from an early age I have felt responsible for her.
When I was a teenager If I don't teenage things she would cry and say " you don't love me bla bla". She knows how to make me guilty.

No wonder you feel grim about contact with her, it's a pattern of emotional abuse. So hard for you that she makes you feel she needs you to 'save' her. But she is your parent and not the other way around (something my mum can't deal with either) and presumably you now have your own children who are your focus. You do not owe her emotional support. I'm prepared to care for my mum if she gets physically ill but not in any other sense.

lol (in grim way) about the teenage thing btw. I used to get 'you're killing me and killing your father'

lol (in grim way) about the teenage thing btw. I used to get 'you're killing me and killing your father'

well she put the phone down on me tonight so guess I am ok for a bit ( still feel guilty).
She didn't speak to me for 3 months before my weddin because my dad was coming . That was when I realised what a self centred woman she really is.
When dd gets married that is her day.

Had she called you before she hung up on you?
Really sorry she has p**ssed you off again.

Got to go to bed now, knackered, but thinking of you. Focus on yourself and your kids and you are what matters not her and her problems.

thanks why sleep well XX thanks for the chat and support

sorry I didnt get back to this thread last night bananaknickers. A lot of what you say rngs true with me. Esp the bit about being responsible for her from a v early age. I think we could do a lot of 'sharing' about this topic and hopefully some mutual support. I am not around much this week tho. Lots going on.(But I'm usually here a lot, particularly in the evenings).

Until we meet here again bananakncikers, have a {{{{hug}}}

My mum moved to france which helped, but visits are a nightmare, she lives with me for extended visits and no matter how I try to keep it superficial she eventually breaks me down and I react like a child again. It's horrible. I put her off now, managed a year so far. Definitely don't tell them anything, don't show any sign of weakness or they'll go for the jugular. Smile and pretend its not your mum. See as little of them as possible.

MIL an equal nightmare btw not quite sure how to deal with those. Any suggestions? She tuts if my glasses aren't gleaming! Christmas was hell she stayed a week - I got drunk in the pantry. Kept stealing a nip of sloe gin.

My mother was toxic and drained me dry. I haven't seen or spoken to her for years. But since the 'how crap is your mother ....' thread ive realised that ive sort of replaced he with other toxic people in my life so i'm constantly drained.

So now, i'm working on that and i'm going to rid myself of every energy sucking relationship i have!!

No contact is the only way

My MIL daughter cut her out and wont see her. It seems to be women/mothers that are prone to these behaviours I wonder why that is

I have a mil like you rebel too. For lots of years I used to think it must be me then. MIL not negative but critical all the time and neg mum. I would of loved a mil that could have been the mother I had always wanted and I ended up with her.
I suffered from pnd and I am sure If I had had support from either It wouldn't of happened.

It hurts me a great deal when I see mums and daughters together.

At least we have the chance to make a difference for our little ones. I have a dd and find it's cathartic. I feel as though I'm providing the kind of care that I always yearned for. My yardstick is just not to do what she did.

Agree rebel I hope to be a good mil too. She misses out on so much of our family because of how she behaves. I am always there for my children.