Please can someone reply, feel like I'm going insane!

[User1235567]

Long winded, please bare with me but don't have anyone really that I can talk to.
I will try to cut long story short.
So I had been without oh for 9 years. He was mentally abusive and someone that I was with 9years too long. We have 1 DD who is 3.
He is currently still living in my house still at the moment. I feel as though we are stuck limbo, but I'm frightening of him so don't want the ' you've got to go now ' chat.
Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, I met a guy I was used to see when I was about 14! After I seen him we got in contact and have been talking every day since. He doesn't live here anymore but his family does.
He only comes back a handful of times a year due to his job.
Anyway, I don't know what it is but I have this major anxiety feeling over me constant, because I can feel myself wanting more between me and this guy and hate it when I don't hear from him, he's messages cheer me up and just seein that he's messaged makes me happy instantly ( this is so cringy ) we are very sexually attracted to each other and some of our conversations is based around that.
I'm writing because I feel like I'm diving in in the deep end scared of what the outcome is going to be. I feel like I can't really tell him how I'm feeling because I'm not in a position where I can be in another relationship yet would be absolutely gutted if he called it a day. Then on the other hand do I call it a day before it gets harder or do I go with the flow and see what happens ? He lives 4 hours away!
Please can someone give me any advice. I'm going a bit crazy
Thank you

I'd advise that you get you living situation sorted first and foremost. Is there anyone who could be around when you have the conversation? That might make you feel safer.

Thank you for replying. That is my main priority but I am frightened of ex. He doesn't have anywhere to go and neither do I.

Sorry to answer your question. There isn't really anyone that could be that person

Forget about the other guy.

You need to get your abusive 'oh' out of the house. That will unlease a shit storm so draft in help. If there is anybody who could stay in the house with you. Get the locks changed if you can (legally) and then get your friend to stay with you until he gives up. Tell the police that you're afraid he'll kick off. That way if you ring them they'll know to get to you quickly. If you have no help then ask him to leave and tell him it's over and if he won't call the police if he starts ranting and abusing you.

How would it work anyway with this guy four hours away?

I can't work out the timeline with your ex - you've been without him 9 years, but you have a 3 year old?

What's stopping you from leaving him? You need to work on that.

And fine - those lovely feelings of meeting someone you like are a great thing for giving you a kick up the arse to find a way out of living with your ex. But it needs to come second to sorting out your current situation.

Ellisandra - sorry I was with ex for 9years.
It is over between us, it's just one of us moving out - currently both of us have no where to go.

Gucci, this is the thing - was hoping for advice on long distance

Wannabe - thank you for that! Will keep that in mind.

Okay if you really can't think of anyone who would be willing to help you get him out you have to make an action plan to get yourself and dd out. Even if it will be slow you need to focus on that. Please visit Womens Aid to see what support there might be for you.

Oh and if you are too scared of hint I ask him to move out then I have no idea how you think you will be safe if he found out you started a new relationship.

If it helps, when I started trying to leave my ex I fund myself attracted to my lawyer, my dentist, etc etc. Just men being ordinary and nice and listening (although in the case of the lawyer obviously because he was paid) made suuuch a nice change. But I knew at the time those feelings weren't really a sign of anything deeper just a reaction to people being ordinary and kind. Do you think that is what could be happening with your guy? The fact that you used to go out with him when you 14 and he was, I assume, much nicer to you than your ex back then and is being nice to you now could be triggering those feelings because it is a novelty now (even though it is the minimum anyone actually deserves)

Wings - i know this! I have no clue how I'd be if he did.

Flop - that could be very true. At this moment in time, I'm convinced I do really like him, however like you said it could be because it's not what I'm used to. I'm sure time will tell. Just feel very stuck and unsure of everything at the minute.

Flop is wise. I didn't mean to sound harsh I jus don't want you in danger. Getting out and properly separating you life from your ex is the important thing.

That is so true Flop. I think I remember feeling drawn to anybody kind if they were even remotely attractive as well. Even though it was their job to be nice (and provide service).

WingsofNylon is right. The next step for you is to detach yourself from caring how your x will react to what you do next. And you can't even get to that stage until you are disentangled from each other practically and financially.

Thank you all for your replies.
My priority is my DD and getting ex out.
I need to brace and face this because burying my head isn't helping. In fact it's giving me this nasty feeling.
With regards to this new guy, I'm just going to go with the flow, tell myself nothing will come of it. Just have a bit of fun. The attention is nice at the moment.
But yes I do agree, it could be anyone and I'd probably feel the same.

Sounds like you've chosen the sensible option now.

I was going to say that If you're even just a tiny bit concerned for you own safety (and of course your DD) then don't bring another man into the picture while you are still separating. If I recall correctly, just after a separation is when dangerous men are at their most dangerous, and jealousy can be a horrible catalyst.

Mr4HoursAway will still be there in 6 months time if there's anything serious to be had. If it was just a potential bit of fun, well, there's plenty more of those around to be had.

Exactly. I was thinking that. There wouldn't be a relationship at this point with 'mr4hoursaway' (I like that!) Haha
But in the future I would like there to be. Or is that my mind telling me that because of the way I'm feeling ?

What's the legal position? Are you married and what's the housing situation. Is staying in your property with dd an option or is it do-owned? If you are truly separated but still living in the house together you need to set him a timescale for leaving. Everyone has somewhere to go even if it's a hostel. Not your problem if he's abusive.

Get advice but tell him when your are somewhere safe and involve the police if he becomes threatening.

And man 2 is a complication you really don't need just now. Sort out your personal life and have some clear time before embarking on another relationship. Of course long distance can work but leave it for now.

Thank you for your post pp.
today is one of those days where I feel like I'm stuck. Huge anxiety.
I don't know why I feel addicted to mr4hoursaway.
If we're talking and he doesn't reply but has been active on social media then I get really upset / mad. Feel needy. It is ridiculous- how do I stop this ??

Cold turkey. Block him on social media or just don't look. Explain to him why if you need to - there are some very important things going on in your life right now that must be handled delicately and require your full attention.

But to be honest if he's ignoring your messages when he clearly has time to go on Facebook etc then he's probably not that interested, or at least not as much as you are in him.

You are clinging to things that make you feel good, totally understandable, but the right now needs sorting first. Plenty of time for that stuff later.

broken - I know what you're saying is right!
I've got bigger fish to fry which is my first priority, my daughter and my current living situation. However, I like talking to him! It's company in the evening ( via text )
Do you think I should tel him how I'm exactly feeling or does that come across weird ?