Feel so broken.

[user128057]

So I've posted on here before about my long distance relationship. I've been speaking to a guy for 3 years and since October we have been in a relationship. He has two completely different personalities, the person I meet in real life and the person on text.

We've had our fair share of arguments ( mainly due to my paranoia and insecurity and his attitude towards that). He becomes verbally abusive telling me to fuck off, calls me a fucking dickhead and I should fucking grow up.

This may not seem much but I've helped him out so much. I've cleared his debts, put food on the table and kept a roof over his head. I also paid for his family's Christmas presents. He doesn't work so I've been the fool supporting him for the last year.

It breaks my heart to think that he thinks so little of me. I need to leave but I'm frightened of being alone for the rest of my life. As I've mentioned before I'm in a wheelchair, which means I find this whole dating thing incredibly hard. He's ruined me so much. He's made me feel unloved and unwanted and I wish I could explain how badly I'm hurting. I've been the biggest mug and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

Thank you for reading.

As an aside, have you ever watched first dates? Plenty of successful daters with disabilities on there. I'm not saying it's easy to date in a wheelchair but once your self esteem has improved you will start meeting the right people. Do you have any ideas of things which could start improving how you feel about yourself (besides getting rid of the abusive twat, which is a great start)?

Well done for deleting his number. Do you have him on any social media? A clean break will make things easier quicker.

I have him on Facebook but have deactivated my account. As for ideas on how to try and improve my confidence God knows. I know I need to find myself something to do in the evenings as that's when I'd normally be texting him. I have never seen first dates but have seen the undateables.

Well done for taking the first steps. You can never be happy with a psychopath and this is what this man is. I would go so far as to call him evil for his treatment of you.

Would you consider doing the Freedom programme online? It's for people who have been in abusive relationships. And yes, yes to counselling. Then think about real and practical ways to braoden your horizons. Maybe a carer to take you to do things with people of your own age? Do you have a social worker who might help with local groups or activities.

In the meantime post on here. Read some funny threads, make some virtual friends. I've made some really nice friends here whom I've met in RL as well as online.

Please don't cave in and let him sweet talk you into having him back because that's the classic next step...he will turn on the charm offensive just long enough to get himself back in and then he will start all over again.

Use the support on here and keep strong.

I didn't want to say abusive because it seems like to strong of a word to use. I'm not by any means perfect and I don't want anyone here thinking that, however I know when I do wrong and apologize. He's never once apologized to me for anything because in his eyes it's ny fault and always will be.

I go from in tears and not wanting to be here anymore to anger at myself for allowing it to continue for so long. It has shocked me by how badly this has affected me. I wish I could sit here and say I'm fine but the truth is its messed me up so badly. I honestly haven't felt this low in years.

As for getting to know people on here I'd love that. I don't have children though but hopefully I can still meet some nice people. I shall also be giving the freedom course a try. I need to get some self respect and possibly help with my paranoia and insecurity.