I think I'm being unfair but still....

[mmm1234]

DH and I are 50+, been together nearly 20 years. He's my second DH. With the first one, sex was an issue.... He wanted it a lot more than I did and all I wanted was to be left alone. I tried everything to get through it but the simple problem was that it was always him who wanted it so he would initiate, I would either lie back and think of England or make an excuse. He of course was sad and upset that I never initiated and in many cases refused, and various other problems ensued and were probably made more of than they would have been in a healthier relationship. Long story short, we separated.

Fast forward to this relationship. New DH and I were always really compatible sexually - his libido even lower than mine - we'd quite happily go up to a year without any sexual contact though still share a bed, kiss and hug hello and goodbye etc.

It seems that several women have a pre-menopausal "sex surge" - and it seems that it is happening to me. Over the past 6 months I'm thinking about it all the time. Sometimes I find myself idly looking at a room full of men subconsciously wondering which of them might agree to have sex with me! (I would NEVER - I love him and everything in our relationship is perfect and it would literally kill him - or he would kill me.... no way would I ever go through with anything that would hurt him or risk our lovely relationship)

I have told him, in vague terms. Suggested I may be heading for the menopause as I notice I am more interested in sex. Initiated it a few times and it's been OK but mostly him "submitting" - he will let me get him warmed up and then do it but I yearn for more. I yearn for him to initiate it, to do things to me that I do to him. When I raise the subject he never picks up on it, just says, "Oh yeah?" or similar and then drops it. I think I'm too shy and body-unconfident to spell out what I want and I am scared of being rejected and also I don't want him to feel constantly pursued like I did in my first marriage because that was DISASTROUS for my already low libido.

Just don't really know what else to try or do??

You are hardly being 'unfair' mmm123, you are just finding the boot on the other foot.
It's revealing that many MNers think this problem of mismatched libido is about not getting 'sexual relief' and wanting their low libido partner to simply 'give in' when they shouldn't have to. And they ask - why can't you just 'take care of yourself' and stop being so entitled etc. But the truth is that having our sexuality accepted and reciprocated is a huge part of a lasting connection in a relationship. The mistake is to think there can be a genuine partnership without this ingredient.
My advice is to go searching for what might actually switch your DH on - and talk about your needs. Unlike the advice given by most MNers - that this is 'your' problem- I think - if he loves you - he will want to try to respond to your needs. But as this might mean going deep and into darker or scarier places, and in view of your lack of body confidence (and possibly his too?) this won't be easy.
Why not begin slow, find connection over what things float his boat and yours, fantasies, possibilities, desires. You've had a less intimate relationship until now - so this may not be easy, but it might help you rediscover each other. So maybe treat it as a positive an opportunity? Good luck OP!

Thanks for your thoughtful reply! The problem is I'm not sure anything really turns him on much. When we started our relationship he was mid 30s and hadn't had a relationship (a couple of quickies, literally a couple - 3 I think!) and in fact his sister is mid 50s and a virgin afaik. I'm feeling I should just give up, and hope I go back to how I was before but it may be that I never will as I was off sex before because I was so traumatised by having children, and now that risk is past I'm over it!!

We do sometimes say, "what's your ultimate fantasy?" Kind of thing, when I ask him he dodges the question and when he's asked me (I think only twice ever) I told him a position or, last time I said, "Just this, but more often." And he kinda laughed. We were away at the time and were about to go out for dinner and I said "seriously, can we do it again after dinner?" And he said yeah sure but it wasn't on the cards later, he got into his jammies, top tucked into bottoms, and snuggled straight off to sleep

Ideally he needs to be slightly (but not too!!) drunk, but he avoids alcohol most of the time and I've started to suspect he does so to ensure it won't be the start of me making advances LOL.

I love him so much and our relationship is fantastic - perhaps I'm just being too demanding :s

Maybe ask him to ditch the pj's. . .
Things have a habit of stirring when sleeping naked!!

He would say he gets too cold! Whether he does really or whether it's to protect himself from being ravished, who knows!!