Don't know what to do

[carolmusic]

I feel emotionally drained about my relationship with my partner, I'll try and be brief.
I've been with my partner for 3 years now, I'm 45, he's 50. I'm a mum of 2 children, their dad has no contact with them.
My relationship is just a friendship in my eyes, no physical contact at all, he doesn't touch me at all but only very occasionally when he feels like it but it would only be a hug, if he sees I need a hug, which is rare!, it's like he doesn't really want to. We don't live together, we never sleep over, haven't been in the same bed for a very long time.
He also makes comments to me which upset me but he always says 'it was a joke' which after time has made me feel not good enough for him.
Recently he has also started making conditions with him spending his money on us, he earns a lot of money and he knows we wouldn't go out if it wasn't for his money. He drinks at least a bottle of red wine a night so if I want him round mine or go out I have to drive, if I fancy a drink,he pulls the but I've paid card.
These things are the tip of the iceberg and I've had enough of it all. The problem is I can't seem to let go, he doesn't do anything else apart from work and spending time with us, so I know he enjoys being with us as he wouldn't bother. When things are ok we have so much fun but I'm fed up with the conditions. I'm so confused. Sorry it's so long.

I've had enough of it all
Just print that out and re-read it, hourly. You really do seem to have had enough, and you know what to do about it. He's not your partner, he's a friend who is taking up too much of your time and who isn't a nice as he ought to be.
Sack him and move on.

You clearly aren't getting what you want from your relationship so I'd question yourself as to why you're still in it? His attitude is all put up or shut up & he obviously doesn't see you as an equal.

Bold fail. Pfft! I've had enough of it all. Just to prove I can get it right if I really try.

This isn't a relationship it's a habit and I'm not sure what you're getting out of it?
I'm confused as to why you stay if I'm honest, you're drained he doesn't seem into you.
Why cling on?

The relationship isn't going to improve. You are 45 and deserve a lot better than this. Fortunately, you do not live with him.
Time for you to give him the old heave-ho.

Almost all relationships have their good aspects or we'd never get into them in the first place. But some good bits isn't enough reason to stay when you're this fed up. You could be out there and free to meet someone who wants to touch you, who wants to make you feel good about yourself and wouldn't dream of making jokey put-downs, who wants you to enjoy yourself when you go out no matter which of you has paid.

Also it sounds crap always being sober around someone who's always got a bottle of wine in him. Pissed people are lousy company when you're sober. He thinks that just because he pays, he has bought the right to be looked after and ferried about by you while he necks wine and doesn't share it? Bollocks to that.

I know all this but why can't I let go. I've pointed these things out to him today as he's finally noticed I've been quiet around him, and so far no response. His usual pattern is to go quiet with no communication then he'll text out of the blue as though nothing has been said. He never tackles problems, just brushes them under the carpet. I've told him we're not really in a relationship either and I know if I had friends who treated and talked to me like does, I would sack them off.
I'm just scared of being alone though and no one else is around.

What's wrong with being alone?
Try it!
It's truly liberating.
You are 45.
Please don't put up with this shite.
Bin him off.
Be on your own for a bit.
'Find yourself'
Get hobbies.
Joint some local meetup groups and get out there and enjoy life.

I reckon these things are quite a long way down the iceberg, actually. He offers you no intimacy of any kind, he says nasty things to you then tries to pass them off as a joke, he drinks too much, he won't discuss problems, he holds you to ransom over the things he pays for. He sounds like an absolute waste of your time to me.

It's like you're alone now though

He doesn't offer you any love or companionship

Ltb

You're alone anyway, he's half interested, half arsed, at your age I'd not settle for that; time is running out to meet a man that will tick all your boxes; he sounds crap tbh; don't stay with someone out of fear of being alone; it's not a good reason at all.

He's not a nice person OP, nice people don't slag you off then pretend they are joking.

I know you are all right and I deserve better, I've lived without someone before when I threw my ex out and it took me 7 years to move on, maybe I'm better off on my own, can't seem to keep anyone.

I've pointed these things out to him today as he's finally noticed I've been quiet around him, and so far no response......He never tackles problems, just brushes them under the carpet

Why are you pointing them out to him? its YOU who needs them Pointed out. He's not going to change , the way he lives his life suits him just fine. Is it suiting you ?

With respect, it's YOU who's is brushing these problems under the carpet because you don't want to be alone. Even though you are not getting what you want from this friendship. .

I know if I had friends who treated and talked to me like does, I would sack them off

He IS your friend. What else would you call him? He's not your romantic or sexual partner is he?

Yep you're right, still haven't heard anything. He always does this, he goes quiet then when I ask why he's ignoring me his usual response is he has nothing to say. Well this time it can stay like that. He's actually quite a selfish person, he never asks how I am but is quite happy to tell me all his problems. He shuts himself away quite a lot and doesn't have a relationship with his family either only when they want something doing which is why I'm grateful he wants to spend time with us because I know he wouldn't bother if he wasn't interested. I don't think he even knows how to love someone because he's never seen it at home when he was young. I get the impression his mum is only with his dad for the money and he thinks that how relationships work, well he's with the wrong person if that's what he wants. He likes the title of having a girlfriend and to have someone on his arm when we go out with his friends but I'm not like that.

You could still have him as a friend but why not try to build up a social life that doesn't rely so much on him. Go out and do things on your own. There are lots of things that are free or cheap to do so you don't need to spend much.

So it's all superficial and he doesn't actually care about you then? Time to move on OP.

Think that's what I'm going to do, make it a friendship and nothing else and if someone else comes along that it's his loss but what's upsetting is I'm not sure he'd be even bothered.

No sexual relationship or intimacy. Has an alcohol problem. He's a friend, but not always friendly.

Ending the relationship seems sensible.

I need to be strong this time and just let him go

Short term pain long term gain!

theres no loneliness like being in a shit relationship loneliness. You can move on from this. Its not about not being able to keep people. Its that you havent found anyone worth keeping yet x

I'm grateful he wants to spend time with us because I know he wouldn't bother if he wasn't interested.

I've had this in the past. There's something beguiling about someone who thinks nothing of anyone but makes that little bit of effort just for you - on some level you think hey, I must be something special, I'm worth him getting off his backside for. (At least I thought so once a long time ago!) Trouble is, when you look at what you actually get it's not much of a prize. If his amazing effort has the same outcome as someone else's half-arsed attempt, you may appreciate it more but it's basically still crap.