Am I awful?

[Msqueen33]

I don't know if I'm being awful or not.

We've got 3 dc 9, 7,4. The youngest both have autism and ADHD and youngest and eldest also have an autoimmune disease.

Dh works and I became a sahm when my middle dc was 1. It wasn't a choice as someone had to do it and dh isn't patient at all. The problem is I'm exhausted. I deal with all the stuff for the kids and the kids with Sen. My dh has little to no involvement in the Sen side like paperwork or trying to resolve a difficult behavioural issue. Both of them are very hard. Youngest is non verbal and wakes most nights at 1am and I'm up the rest of the night.

The thing we're disagreeing on is outside activities. My dh does his hobby one sometimes two nights a week and wants to do cross fit a few times a week more regularly he does it currently one sometimes twice a week but not always. I've said I never have an issue but could he go when the kids are asleep. Because I do bedtimes all the time and it takes me hours as I have to sit with the youngest. I've said I just need a bit more help in the house. I've said if he could get up at 6am maybe on the odd occasion he could clean the loo as he can make the time to go to cross fit then. I understand as I'm home more that most falls to me but what frustrates me is he finds time for doing something he wants but can't find the time to do the odd household chore (he does wash up and hoover once or twice a week). I don't expect loads of help but I suppose I need to feel he's doing a bit more as I'm so stressed and worn down.

I'm trying not to be horrible but I don't think he truly gets the mental toll looking after two kids with disabilities has taken. I'm not a moaner but this year I've taken a battering. I've asked if we could have someone do a deep clean just to take the load off but he doesn't fancy that and doesn't want to do it himself.

He says his down time is essential to him. And whilst I get that come September he won't be the one settling one kid with asd into a new school and trying to get the other into school.

I did say that for a lot of people with kids but especially ours external stuff for us takes a bit of a back seat. But sometimes I feel he cherry picks the stuff he fancies. And I also feel he doesn't realise how hard it Is and it's a bit "not my circus, not my monkeys" and it's my problem as I'm the sahm.

i can only imagine the stress and exhaustion you are feeling. You deserve a bloody medal. Your OH is just not getting it is he? It may be he just can't cope with the situation in the way you are doing and his 'down time' is helping him keep on top of things emotionally. Everyone copes differently, but he's leaving you to cope with far more of the issues at home and it isn't fair. Somehow you need to get him to wake up. Why on earth would he not agree to a deep clean if it helps and supports you? Would he agree to couples counselling for a while? How would he feel if you took the same amount of time out for yourself that he does? You need to have time off from the relentless round of drudgery you are facing with little support. Ask him to look after the children whilst you go out with friends a couple of nights a week, and it sounds like you need a regular cleaner at least, if you can afford it. Do you have someone in the family who could talk to him and make him see sense if you can't? Perhaps his mother? Are you getting support from both families?

You aren't being 'horrible', you are being perfectly reasonable, and he needs to either agree to a cleaner or start pulling his weight.

It sounds as though he has no idea just how difficult it is to be 24/7 caring for children with additional needs. But, I'm sorry, it sounds as though he doesn't care that you're shouldering it all.
Hard to judge, as obviously you can't fit everything into the OP, and it's your view... but does he love the children? Does he ever have them by himself, all three? Does he not think you deserve time by yourself too? Isn't your health important? (Because, let's face it who is going to raise your children if you become debilitated?)
You're not awful, you're exhausted. I have one with ASD, and it's never ending, I cannot imagine dealing with three children with additional needs.

Urghh! I'm cross for you, op. Book the cleaner, after a deep clean, schedule in 2 hours a week or fortnight. I did this without telling my dh for ages, because i couldn't leave the dcs on their own to clean 2 bathrooms & downstairs loo (blinking new build!) & couldn't have them with me, as they wanted to 'help' by sucking on toilet sponges etc. The toilets was the thing that really bothered me & it is a drop in the ocean, but I'm much happier now they're getting a proper clean once a week.
Take time for yourself. Your dh couldn't give a shit & it seems quite a common attitude. Take the time you want, arrange to meet a friend for a drink one evening mid week. Go out when he is at home. Get a friend of yours to enlist him in arranging something nice for you. The more he has to do, the more he will start to give a shit about you IME.

Yes, down time is very important.

When do you get yours??