I no longer know what is ok in a marriage.

[IAmSoLost]

I have lost all sense of perspective about what is ok in a marriage. Particularly financially and wife work type things. I am a sahm but I never get a lie in or a break, I constantly feel I am looking for DH approval or permission. I think that is my problem rather than actually him. . Kids are 15, 13 and 7. DD2 is autistic and I am beginning to realise that DH is which is why life with him seems so hard sometimes.

Is there a good website for laying out healthy boundaries in a relationship? What you should not tolerate etc. Also does anyone have tips on how to have a decent relationship with an autistic spouse? I apologise for my stereotyping and wide ranging question but what I tolerate from dd2 is one level - aggression, unpleasant tone, swearing. I think that DH talks to me like that too and is as dismissive. DS1 (7) is beginning to do the same. He is NT.

I feel like I have lost myself and can't believe that this stressed, dependent, pathetic person is me. I feel so isolated and ashamed of what I have become.

www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx

Relate could be helpful to help you both lay out ways to behave and communicate effectively. Does your H know or accept he is also on the spectrum?

Can you afford some counselling for yourself?

Have you tried training yourself to not seek DHs approval? Imagine yourself more independent and powerful than you are. Then behave as if it is true. Until one day it is true. Ultimately we are our behaviours. You can change the behaviours and the feelings can follow later.

I think if I've learnt one thing from mumsnet it's that there is no such thing as what is right within A marriage, only what is right within YOUR OWN marriage.
Everyone has the right to feel happy, safe and valued. Do you feel those things?
It is easy to lose yourself when you feel overwhelmed. Just because you are a sahm and your dh/dc have additional needs doesn't mean that you are not important and worthy and have needs of your own. Take some time to think about yourself in the same way you would when prioritising others.
I hope you are okay and have someone in rl you can talk to.