As way of background:
I'm 40 and after years 15 to be exact of fertility treatment and surgery I am pregnant. I have been quite anxious about announcing this to my family (DP and Dsis) as I knew it would go one of two ways. Either l would get a delude of nasty/goady messages or radio silence from my mother and sister.
Although I see DF every now and again (he's enables my mother and is a flying monkey), I was upset that I also got radio silence from him.
I've just had a message from him now three days later congratulating me, but saying he was upset that l hadn't messaged my mother or sister with my news. So as per usual, they are making it all about them AGAIN....
I am just so fed up with the double standards and the hypocrisy.
My mother and l have been virtually NC for four years now. I've read quite a bit on dysfunctional families and l certainly fall into the scapegoat role. I was regularly told growing up that she loved me, but didn't like me and how she truely wished that when l had a child I would have one as difficult as me.....
She was a master of the silent treatment, guilt trips and emotional blackmail. One of her classics was saying of course I loved you, l came to the school when you were being bullied. I grew up with little self esteem and quite a low opinion of myself.
Fours years ago, I had had enough. After another row, instead of dutifully calling and putting up with the one word answers etc, I didn't call. Instead of seeing her, to try and sort the disagreement out (which equated to, her shouting and getting personal and reducing me to tears. Then using guilt and laying all blame onto me) I didn't.
I chose basically to ignore any negativity, but she has continued to:
When at a family event she has greeted or said goodbye to everyone but DH and l (making a big show in doing so)
We've been made to sit in a table plan (at a restaurant) at family meals so she didn't need to even look at us...
We've been made to feel guilty (by the flying monkeys) etc if we declined future invites because her behaviour.
If we didn't thank her in a timely manner for a gift, even though we never got a thankyou (she refused to sign any cards to me) I would receive awful messages again.
When she has come to my home, she's done all of the above, shouted at me etc and got agreaved when DH has defended me.
My DParents have demanded that l go to their house on my own to explain myself more like bully me into submission
I could go on...
Anyway, DH and l have ignored the above and have risen above any nasty behaviour. Yet it still continues four years later. My mother essentially wants to win, she wants me to go and grovel and I would forever pay/be reminded of this perceived slight.
In regards to my sister, she's a shit stirrer and is jealous. We used to get along very well, but l came to realise that it was always me calling etc. It was me that wanted more out of the relationship than her.
Anyway I digress and I've rambled enough already.
So, I know that they have obviously kicked off because I didn't message them also (they've only messaged me a cursory happy birthday etc and nothing more since this happens).
DH said to message my dad back and say
many thanks dad, we're excited and so far the tests have been good
So essentially ignoring his dig.
I want to message back something like after crying all weekend, my inner rage has surfaced
dad, thank you for your message. I'm upset too. What exactly do they expect? If they want to be part of my life then they need to stop point scoring with the nasty vindictive behaviour. You also need to stop expecting me to roll over and accept the blame for everything
What shall I do? I think the message I want to send back could be better...but what could I say?
I've rambled enough already. Thank you for reading.