Completely Unfair

[some0advice0please]

Right... how to start.

Been with partner a few years and he has 2 dc from a previous relationship. We have 1 dc together.

Social services recently took the 2 dc off their mother as she was neglecting them. Partner and I discussed having the dc live with us (and ofc I wouldn't see them be without a parent as i love them) and they now live with us.

So, my life has changed from looking after 1 easy child to 3 children. Having to work everything/trips etc around all 3. I get no breaks and no quiet time apart from bed time. I bathe them and feed them.
DP however, still does everything he used to do, his hobbies e.g. playing rugby one night a week, a trip away last weekend as he had it planned before the kids came, hanging out with his friends regularly, random nights watching football at the pub, etc.
He is a high earner and i don't work at the moment.
My 2 dsc ask where he is a lot and say they miss him. They've just lost their mum in a sense, and I'm being left to pick up the pieces.

Yes he's stressed and trying to cope with the change, but surely he could manage to support me more with looking after all three kids?!?

There is so much more I want to say and explain but will out myself :(
He doesn't think he's acting unreasonable.

I want to leave him with his eldest 2 for a few days and let him stew. I feel trapped and controlled.

So basically the kids have got two neglectful parents. It is only because you are stepping up that they are being looked after.

He doesn't sound stressed at all. Nothing has changed for him...

He is a selfish arse.

Mmmm how did it get to the stage (which must have been dire) that social services stepped in? Did he not notice?

So even before his DC came to live with you, he left you to do all the care? (Yes, I know you're a sahm, but did he do anything to help raise his child?) and now he's expecting you to look after the other two (deal with any problems, as I imagine there's been a few)? And he deals with the problems and stress (?)by acting like a single man?
Fuck that op. Big girl knickers on and tell him he needs to be there to help parent.

and he needs to step up big time- you sound lovely and caring though

He's a lazy tossed. Does he really think it's ok to let you look after HIS kids with no help? I think I'd be asking him to do the childcare rather thn endless hobbies.

Thanks for the lovely messages. All the information is jumbled up in my head.

We had been telling social services that the dc's mum isn't coping for a while now. For years we have been trying to help her by having the children extra days, giving her a lot of money per month, offering to pay rent deposits, extended family took her food shopping.... then she moved far away from us and started struggling even more. Drinks lots, has abusive relationships, and we think she's taking drugs but that can't be confirmed. She lied a lot to SS and eventually she was caught out. She still denies she did anything wrong.

My DP didn't help me with our child but would always play with her. He had always been better with his eldest two, so I didn't think he'd take this much advantage of me.
I've tried to tell him it's unacceptable, but he goes out anyway because he knows I wouldn't leave the children in danger or by themselves.

As soon as he came home from rugby tonight I left with my child. I'm at my mums. I feel guilty that the older two won't know where I am or why I've left. Since I have been there for them every day. My DC is still breastfeeding, so she's with me a lot...

Firstly well done for taking the other DC's on, that's amazing and you should be so proud of yourself for that.

You need to really speak to him and tell him you'd like to have some time to yourself. Nothing's changed for him, and as a breastfeeding mummy, you're barely getting anytime to yourself anyway.

What you're doing is brilliant and he needs to recognise that. Don't back down and make sure he knows how you feel.

At a time when his children need him more than ever, there in the quiet ordinary moments, having their dinner, having a bath, watching TV, sitting reading together, discussing what we need to get ready for tomorrow, oh look you've grown out of a all your t-shirts let's see about getting you some new ones, where is he? He has fucked off out abandoning them. What a deeply unpleasant man.

You sound lovely. Your partner and his ex sound irresponsible. Tell him you'll return when he agrees to discuss fair distribution of childcare.

You have done the right thing. He needs to up his game and be a father to all his kids. Well done for being strong and taking a stand x

It's amazing what you've done. He however is carrying on with his life as normal. Hoonifrom 1 to 3 kids is a huge change so why is he leavyut all to you? Ha so he asked why you've gone to your mums? He needs to make some big changes and this is where it starts so Ariosto your guns.

Ariosto?? Stick to your guns....

Agree that you have done the right thing. Who does he think he is?

Stay with your mum for a few days.
Let him deal with it all.
It's the only way he will learn.
If he has to take time off of work.
Tough shit!
Please don't go straight back, although I have a feeling you are already back there.
If you are there because you have to be right now, then start packing a bag for a week away.
When he gets back tonight, walk out with the bag and tell him you'll be back in a week and your phone will be off.
Don't be a feckin' doormat, please!!!
Make your stand now!

He will have to change his whole lifestyle now and if he's not prepared to then sadly maybe the children are not in the right place with either their mother or their father.

You have done the right thing. Yes it's unsettling for the kids, but if it encourages their unpleasant father to start pulling his weight, it will be worth it. They're his children and he's dumped them on you without changing his life one bit.
I also think it's interesting that the help he offered their mother was extra days (presumably you provided childcare rather than him...) and money. Certain high-earning men think that there is nothing that money can't do, and they think they are all powerful because they rake in a lot of the stuff. They also take that approach to their relationships. He'll basically do the fun stuff -playing with your shared child- while you do all the shitwork. I personally think you could do much better.