Present for Wife - Wedding Anniversary

[Smiler1313]

Normally I'm great with ideas but this year is different.

Married 20+ years, but earlier this year she dropped the 'I don't love you anymore' bombshell.

We had a very very difficult 3 months where we sought counselling and nearly split several times. Whilst we have decided we won't be splitting up, we're still not 100%, as although we get on great she doesn't love me. We're working on this.

It's coming up to our wedding anniversary and I haven't a clue what to buy her. Ideas please.

Do you still love her and want to be with her ?

Yes and yes

Spa day for her and a friend?
Not that I have ever done this but always sounds like a nice day.

Spa day for you and her.

What's your or her favourite date from when you were first together. Do that :)

How can you work on someone not loving you? You must be living a new heartbreak every day. Please get some counselling to explore why you're settling for this, you need to move on.

Wedding anniversary present shouldn't be for her and a friend though! Something to do together, or something for her.

Now, you say you're usually great with ideas - are you sure? I don't mean that in a nasty way, but sometimes we think we have great ideas and our partner is too kind / too awkward to say otherwise. If you're sure your ideas have been great in the past, then what have they been? It might help with similar suggestions. What does she usually get you? That can help too.

Given that you love her but she says she doesn't love you (I'm sorry) and you're clearly not through this as a couple yet, I would avoid a grand gesture, as if I were her I'd see it as showy or desperate and feel pressured or annoyed by it. I'm sorry that's harsh!

Honestly, given that you have had such a difficult time - complete with counselling - I would talk to her. I would say that I was glad you were still together and working on your marriage, and thought that was worth celebrating - and what would she think of or how would she like to mark it?

That's a big bombshell for her to drop, and she has to understand that it changes the nature of your marriage to such an extent that you can't churn out and expensive meal, or fancy earrings, or whatever...

Maybe think through the counselling - have you discussed what you both want from a marriage, and what is missing right now? That might help with an idea.

Yes don't surprise her with anything. Ask her what she would like to do to mark it (of course have some suggestions) - something that you can do together. If you want to buy her something additional, buy something that's really her. What does she like?

A present can't fix things, but I'm sure you know this.

Weekend away incorporating her particular interest eg Amsterdam for art or Edinburgh for arts festival or London for theatre or sports fixture to her taste or meal out as a surprise at her favourite pub/ restaurant inviting her favourite people

I hope you can work things out.

I like the pps idea of a repeat date of something you did when you were younger that brings up happy memories. The night before dh and I got together we saw a band and I have looked up that band a couple of times to see if they're still touring but can never get tickets for a convenient date.

It's perfectly legitimate to say "you have told me that you don't love me. That's leaves me utterly at sea over what to do about a wedding anniversary - though I want to celebrate it. Talk to me."

Why not wedding anniversary present for her and a friend? Would give her some lovely relaxing me-time where she may be able to off load on her friend and would also m

Sorry....
make her feel that you are giving her space to reflect. I wouldn't want to be cooped up with husband I don't love with added pressure of it being anniversary gift on top. Nice to give her somebody real space to work things out for herself.

*some

If she doesn't want to be cooped up with him, and doesn't love him, she shouldn't be accepting wedding anniversary gifts from him.

OK, extreme - in the process of repairing a relationship it can be good to have some space, and to still show each other thoughtfulness and appreciation through gifts.

Just the OP gives me a bad feeling - here he is wondering what to do, when it is her who has pulled the rug. There's a consequence to that - she needs to be open with him about the new boundaries of their relationship. May be that they agree to live together more as friends... in which case, I personally don't see a wedding anniversary gift as appropriate.

I don't mean to demonise the wife - she has been honest, she has attended counselling. But bottom line, if she no longer loves him, it seems rather unfair that he's the one all at see over this gift - and so I think he should throw that back (gently) at her.

Unless of course her reason for falling out of love was that she always had to choose her own presents

Good luck OP - but don't sell yourself short.

Recreate a special time from your past when you first met. First date, proposal etc. Something special to both of you.

I don't think you should buy her anything. You're in a very tenuous situation and making some grand gesture would just be awkward and I doubt it will help your wife's frame of mind. Why not simply ask her if there's something special she would like to do with you for your anniversary? Let her make the decision.