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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Historical Abuse - no idea what to do

6 replies

Wildbluethunder · 24/07/2017 13:39

When I was around five or six years old I went in to my parents bedroom and saw an older brother in their bed with my sister. He would have been around twelve and my sister around eight. I had no idea what they were doing but my older brother asked me to join them. Thinking it was going to be a game, I agreed and got into in the bed. I don't want to talk about what happened but I can still remember it vividly over forty years later.

It turned out in the 90's that my older brother had also repeatedly sexually abused my twin brother. I also have strong reason to believe that the event with my sister was not a one off.

My older brother was killed in 1980. We all cried at his funeral and I still visit his grave sometimes.

It took my about forty years before I told anyone about this. It came out in a conversation with my partner.

The thing is, that I don't really know what to do about it. As I work now with children with emotional and behavioural issues, a good proportion of them having been sexually abused, so I have seen the devastation it has caused. My twin brother has had severe depression most of his adult life.

I feel guilty because I have led a pretty normal life and am a professional doing a job that is well paid and fulfilling. He hasn't worked for around 15 years and before that it was all menial jobs. He hasn't had a proper relationship in that time while I have been in a happy relationship for many years now.

Despite this I feel something was altered after that day. Something was bent out of shape and the older I get the more it bothers me. Particularly the silence that surrounds it. I have never talked to my sister or my parents about what has happened. I don't feel I can. So I carry it like a weight that gets heavier and heavier.

Any practical tips or advice would be very welcome. I did try counselling about my own depression a few years ago but it was so awful I stopped it.

Watching 'The Keepers' on Netflix has got me to say something. I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 24/07/2017 13:44

I don't have any advice but wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you Flowers
Sometimes these things do come up in later life that's totally normal.
Personally I've found counselling v useful to help me process difficult things. Some counsellors definitely better than others though, so don't let your first experience put you off.

Wildbluethunder · 24/07/2017 18:13

Thank you. One of the things I have discovered about this issue is that people don't really want to know. It's very difficult for them to process and to know how to respond appropriately to it. They feel embarrassed if it gets mentioned. I can understand that. It's mortifying to have to explain that you went through it, so why should they feel any differently about it?

I don't think I would want counselling from someone who doesn't have experience in this area. I'm not sure how I would access that. Especially with the triage system in place in the NHS. If I'm not in crisis, I am at the back of the queue.

OP posts:
DoIDontIhavethetalk · 24/07/2017 18:50

Wild blue- I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Look up BACP - they will have lists of counsellors in your area.

And you are right - even for those in crisis in my area, psychotherapy has an 18 month waiting list.

Ohyesiam · 24/07/2017 19:32

Op, I have to admit that this I'd triggering for me, do I've not read your posts fully. Some days it wouldn't be, today I'm a but wobbly anyway, do it is. But I just came on to say a good starting place is a book called The Courage to Heal.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, and I'm sending much love and strength.

Wildbluethunder · 24/07/2017 20:32

I apologise for triggering and thank you for your comments. I will have a look at that book you suggested. It sounds a bit weird but I would have to find a way of reading it without my partner seeing it. She finds the whole topic really difficult and closes down any discussion on it. Most unlike her because she is actually a lovely supportive person. If I hadn't of completely trusted her I wouldn't have said anything in the first place.

The thing is there is no one to confront, to ask why it happened. Only other victims who have their own right to privacy and we aren't really a family that talks openly about feelings and certainly nothing to do with sex.

OP posts:
PurpleToeNails · 24/07/2017 21:46

This shouldn't have happened to you, you should have been safe as a child, especially with family members.
Everyone is different, and while there are common patterns to how people respond to having been affected by childhood sexual abuse, the impact on one person can't be compared to another.
The Laura Davis book already mentioned can be useful - Courage to Heal, and the Courage to Heal Workbook too.
Some useful organisations with experience in supporting people affected by childhood sexual abuse are:
Rape Crisis National Helpline (England and Wales)
Freephone 0808 802 9999
12 noon - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm every day of the year
For details of local centres in England and Wales, for face to face emotional support and/ or counselling:
rapecrisis.org.uk/centreslist.php

Rape Crisis Scotland national helpline:
Phone free any day between 6pm and midnight on 08088 01 03 02 or if you are deaf or hard of hearing on minicom number 0141 353 3091.
For details of local centres in Scotland: www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/help-local-rape-crisis-centres/

NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood)
Helpline: 0808 801 0331
10am-9pm Mon-Thu & 10am-6pm on Fridays.

If you contact the helpline numbers at some point and they don't feel able to help I would expect they would have useful alternative contacts.

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