When I was around five or six years old I went in to my parents bedroom and saw an older brother in their bed with my sister. He would have been around twelve and my sister around eight. I had no idea what they were doing but my older brother asked me to join them. Thinking it was going to be a game, I agreed and got into in the bed. I don't want to talk about what happened but I can still remember it vividly over forty years later.
It turned out in the 90's that my older brother had also repeatedly sexually abused my twin brother. I also have strong reason to believe that the event with my sister was not a one off.
My older brother was killed in 1980. We all cried at his funeral and I still visit his grave sometimes.
It took my about forty years before I told anyone about this. It came out in a conversation with my partner.
The thing is, that I don't really know what to do about it. As I work now with children with emotional and behavioural issues, a good proportion of them having been sexually abused, so I have seen the devastation it has caused. My twin brother has had severe depression most of his adult life.
I feel guilty because I have led a pretty normal life and am a professional doing a job that is well paid and fulfilling. He hasn't worked for around 15 years and before that it was all menial jobs. He hasn't had a proper relationship in that time while I have been in a happy relationship for many years now.
Despite this I feel something was altered after that day. Something was bent out of shape and the older I get the more it bothers me. Particularly the silence that surrounds it. I have never talked to my sister or my parents about what has happened. I don't feel I can. So I carry it like a weight that gets heavier and heavier.
Any practical tips or advice would be very welcome. I did try counselling about my own depression a few years ago but it was so awful I stopped it.
Watching 'The Keepers' on Netflix has got me to say something. I don't know what to do next.