Social failure - what can I do?

[Lostforaname]

I moved a couple of years ago from a city to a smaller place. I have school aged children and met some nice, welcoming mums who I got on with well, but were in a very tight knit group. I work full time and lots of them work part time or not at all.

I also have a diagnosis of social anxiety and am possibly ASD. I have struggled with social stuff all my life, and find it exhausting. I've got it wrong so many times.

So I have found this situation very hard. I like them and they seem happy to be friendly to me and meet up occasionally but I'm very aware that I'm not in the group and don't get invited to thing. I was very depressed recently and ended up confiding in a few of them about my loneliness. They were so nice, and encouraged me to get in touch when I wanted to do things, and to keep talking to them.

Since then I have had one plan to meet one of them which didn't happen and had another plan today. My children like playing with theirs. I got a message to say that the kids' tea and play that I had planned with one of them (and I had taken her at her word and suggested we meet up) was now with lots of them and in a completely different place that I can't get to as I'm working till late afternoon. So they are now all going without me.

I just feel so tired about all this and at a total loss what to do. I get this sort of thing wrong and always have. I worry about the effect on my children, who will be missing out today. I shouldn't have said anything to them, should I? Now they think I'm needy and want to avoid me. I just feel like friendship is too difficult for me, but I don't want my children to be isolated. Typing this while crying and trying to hide from colleagues.

I know how you feel, OP, I am the same way. I am sure the change of plans was not done deliberately but was more of an organic thing. Your children are missing out because you are working, that cannot be helped. I would let this go and try not stress about it too much (easier said than done, I know) and try to fill your time as much as possible with hobbies and pursuits. I think that even without social anxiety it is very hard to make friends once you are out of your 20s. People are busier with families of their own on top of work and hobbies and it takes ages to get to know anyone new.

That's kind, Kitten, but it's more fundamental than that. Something in me doesn't work and I can't face trying any more.

I have had similar experiences. I think what you may be making the mistake of doing is trying to find and fix a 'problem' in you. The main issue you have is that you don't feel comfortable in social situations and you don't give yourself a break for feeling like that... Try and accept that you are different and own it. You CAN occasionally meet up and you don't HAVE to be in the clique and you CAN enjoy your own company. The best thing to do is see a Councillor or therapist. ISTDP worked for me.

Ah, that is thougtless of them and not necessarily about you.
People can be really selfish and just not think.

I have stepped back from a group who just are not as pleasant as I thought they were and it's been good for my mental health.

Sometimes one to one friendships are better?

Are you sure you can't make it today, OP? Even if it's late, you may find that it is worth the effort. When you are in a "friendship group," it's not uncommon for plans to expand to include other members. It just means all of them are happy to hang out with you. The location change is unfortunate-- is it really that much farther, or are you just feeling hurt and overwhelmed because of your history? I really think you should try to go if you can. Your kids will enjoy it and you most likely will too. I don't think you got anything wrong here, honestly. Don't give up so easily.

Thank you all. I did go after cancelling some of my work. It was quite a lot further away, twenty minutes rather than five, which made it hard to collect my kids from nursery to get there, but I had an hour there.

I prefer one to one friendships as I know I find groups very difficult but this lot basically ARE a group who can be individually lovely to me, but are very much constantly with each other. It's a dynamic I really struggle with but because I now work such long hours, and I commute from in and out of the city and don't socialise after work so I can see the kids, I haven't really met anyone else.

I've had lots of therapy. The NHS should ask for a refund really.