What would you do when your older child asks to move back in/needs help..

[missmove38]

So I'll try and outline the basics.

Dd has lived with me all her life (obviously!) when she was 13 she went through a horrible stage and moved in with my ex husband..totally a choice between them tha I found very hard. She moved back and lived with me 80/20 more her boyfriends house.
I had to move again 7 months ago and while trying to sort the house I accommodated her needs..a fortnight before I moved she announced she and the bf had a house sorted and she moved out. I'd already agreed the house so I now live in a house effectively too big for me.

She's been there 7 months..most of the time is ok but has her off days like anyone. She's told me this morning she wants to move out..I've always said she can move back in but has to contribute. This in turn has its own problems but I'll get around them.

My selfish side thinks I should let her fend for herself..the motherly side says stand by her. My dad kicked me out years ago and I know how hard it is.

She's announced she has to bring her 2 cats with her wherever she goes?..an absolute no my end.

I've also been seeing someone who I think is amazing. We've talked about living together in the future and this is something I'd love to do..child free?!

Opinions?!

What would you do?

2 cats with her wherever she goes?..an absolute no my end
Problem solved.
No she can't move in with the cats.
How old is she now?

All depends on how old she is.

Yep - how old is she?

You've always told her she can move back in. So you stand by that, in my view.

Why does she want to move out? Is the bf abusive/cheating/etc, or just the relationship has run its course? Could he keep the cats?!

Difficult. If she's prepared to contribute and you have a workable relationship I'd struggle to refuse, but you don't have to accept the cats coming if they're a no for you.

I would say yes but if she is working I would expect her to contribute.

Fair enough to say no to the cats, but you told her she could always move back in - why would you go back on that? After all you said the house is too big for you.

How about saying yes, but putting a time limit on it - eg you would like her to find her own place in the next 6 months as you're aiming to get a place with your dp?

Yes, also wondering how old she is. She sounds quite young and thoughtless, not telling you she was moving in with bf until you were financially committed to bigger house. If she moves out from the house she's in with bf, will she still be liable for the rent?
Its not at all unreasonable to expect her to contribute to housing costs if she moves in with you, and it is absolutely OK for you to say " no" to the cats.

I'm 36 and my mum still says I can move back in with her if I ever need to. I just can't imagine saying no to my ds.

That said, could you afford to help her financially set up in a new flat? Or suggest she might be happier in a flat share with friends? How old is she?

Ultimately though, i would be making her feel welcome.

She sounds quite young and you've previously told her she can move back in. I think you should honour that. The 'amazing someone' may well be temporary, your daughter is not.

Supporting her properly now is more likely to mean you are 'child free' in the future.

I'd say let her move back in as long as she leaves the cats behind.

I am mid 20s and currently living with DP and if things went wrong it's so comforting to know I can move back in with parents, even it that's only for a while whilst I get things sorted.

Thanks for the replies.

She's nearly 19..the cats m aren't hers they are another tenants in the house who got bored with them and she wants them. I have 2 cats of my own that were an absolute nightmare to house when I moved aside from the cost and my landlady would say no..fact 2 more wouldn't mix that's a def no.

It's just a relationship breakdown..she hear like this a lot and I let her get past it and on we go..she seems quite adamant tbh.

I did say she could move back in but that was 7 months ago after she'd left..I'm now further down the line and I guess don't want that situation to arise of possibly having to then ask her to leave..I know it's not guaranteed but?

I can't financially help her, to be honest I'm struggling myself so bit stuck on what to suggest

I would let her move in, on a temporary basis, without the cats. Set up boundaries, expected to contribute and give her time (6 or 9 months) to sort herself out. I appreciate that you have your plans, possibly moving in with the partner, but she is your child... if we cannot count on our parent(s) - who on earth could we count on?
And use that time to talk to her a lot, making sure she learns from this experience. You mention she had a tough phase at the age of 13, she is now 19, technically an adult but a very young one! I think it actually is a good opportunity for you to 'parent' her and help her become more mature and make better choices in the future. She is still your child, after all.
Also, if you are struggling financially, sharing costs of keeping the house would defo help you both. Even if it was as little as £200 a month.
I am almost 40, my parents live abroad and live fairly modest life in a 2 bed flat but I know they would take me back under their roof if I needed help. Luckily I don't have to use their hospitality but it is great comfort that you can count on your family no matter what.

Your house, your rules. She has to respect that. If not then that is crossing a boundary IMO.

I know MNetters often think that, when a child turns18, they're an adult and should fend for themselves and if you're of that frame of mind, then there's your answer.

I disagree, however. My DCs, no matter what age they are will always have a home with me (without the cats of course ).

She's 18 - still a kid and she's your child. If you need her to make a financial contribution then, of course, she must, and she must live by your rules.

I think it's very hard hearted not to open your home to her and to choose your relationship over your child. I can't see why you can't have both?

18!!!
Yes I'd have her back.
Minus the cats of course.
My DD is 19 and I will be mortified when she moves out.
Any new man, we are a package, even with her as an adult.
Don't like it - get lost!
Simple as that. My DD comes 1st no matter what.
And yes, mine was a friggin' nightmare early to mid teens and ended up moving countries to live with her dad.
That didn't last long before I went and got her back.
She is great now though.

19 is still quite young. I knew nothing at 19 and was thrown out of home at 18, which really set me back in so many ways compared to other people my age, so I think you definately ought to let her stay. It is tough out there and the exorbitant cost of private renting is a horrendous burden on young people trying to start out in life. Of course you should expect her to contribute and respect your privacy. I would have a talk about boundaries before you agree for her to move back in.

Thanks for the replies z
I'm not saying no I just know how indecisive she is

Yes, my 19 year old drives me up the wall as she thinks she's an adult yet is still a child. Take her back in. But not the cats.

I'd let her back in in a heartbeat but would expect her to be an adult about it. Your potential new boyfriend should also be an adult about it.
If the cats are a no go, they should be given to a shelter with as large a donation as she can afford.

She is still your dc. Why would you not want to accommodate her?
Dd 28 just stayed for a month after a break up til she found a house. . But she was welcome as long as she needed. And she had a ddog!!
Even at adulthood you still need to nurture your relationship with them. . If you aren't there for her at this time I feel it will come back to bite you.

The dcats are up to you though if get aren't even really hers!!

19 is still relaly young!

I'd let her move back home (without the cats) but you need to have a frank discussion about how it will work - money, chores, food etc.

I am 35. My parents wont downsize because they have always said they want to always have room for me and oldee dbro if we need it.

I have always said the same. My kids will always have a place in my house. Fair enough about the cats, but then thats her choice.

As long as I live my kids will be able to live with me if they need to. I can't imagine the circumstance where I'd say no.

I think 18 is still a child, and it sounds like she's had a turbulent time - since 13, going to her dad's then in and out of (same?) boyfriend's house.

I would absolutely take her back - but only on my terms that would include no cats and paying rent.

You said you're struggling financially, so that's a win/win.

If your boyfriend is amazing, then he'll cope with waiting until she's on her feet. My fiancé chooses not to live with me because of his child's age (another year and she's off to uni and he's moving in then). I have no issue with that at all.