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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to Catch a Cheat

8 replies

mrsaxlerose · 24/07/2017 10:55

Hi

Have a niggling suspicion my husband is cheating. Nothing concrete just this niggling feeling in my gut. Tips on things to look out for .

Things that may help.

1: He has always kept his phone to himself and has everything locked down . He is in the right business that if he wanted me to not look at things he can

2: Never goes out alone. Goes out early for the gym and back before I come home. No nights out with the lads etc. Goes for 2 hour walk at weekend sometimes but always invites me ( safe in the knowledge I would refuse as I have fibromyalgia and find it hard to do that kind of exercise)

3: Has always not been the easiest of person to live with but that's my choice (no judging please). We had a long discussion about our relationship (ok a big argument) and he said he loves me but doesn't think of me as a sexual being more like his best buddy and he does take me for granted.he said this is his problem and he will work on it

4: goes away with work odd nights (again nothing new as always done this) but his call home are shorter, and he talks like he is talking to a mate (does say Love you at the end)

5: Is planning for future events (booking expensive holidays)

6: Woke last night to him on his phone. (Unusual as normally his head hits the pillow and he is asleep.)

Am I a paranoid idiot or should I be alert? What kind of things should I look out for? Not ready to confront him as I have no concrete proof and don't want to look a needy idiot

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 24/07/2017 11:04

I think point 3 kind of negates everything else. He has told you straight the atttaction is not present but he loves you in a familial way. If that's not what you want, if you want someone to be sexually attracted to you then doesnt sound like its going to be him now. Sorry.

Sadandscared77 · 24/07/2017 11:06

If you feel something in your gut trust it.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2017 11:08

Ahhhh... the 'I love you but I'm in not IN love with you' line!
As PP said = Point 3 is enough for you to pick up your self respect and leave him.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive?

mrsaxlerose · 24/07/2017 11:29

His answer to that is this . Its my problem that I have taken you for granted so long that I look at you like a buddy and a housekeeper etc. He says when he looks at me he knows im attractive and says he does not know what's wrong with him that if he doesn't sort this he is going to loose the best thing that's ever happened to him and he says he will never get anyone who looks like I do etc. he says I turn him on and we do have sex a lot but its the bits in between that he treats me like a buddy etc. Its very confusing as he says one thing and then changes it and then confuses me to what it is he wants . I'm very open in the bedroom and always make an effort so not sure what he wants

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 24/07/2017 11:31

Nothing as complex as attraction. Yes when he's in the act of having sex with you its fine but it sounds like you dont have intimacy as a couple. He's feeling that disconnect.

mrsaxlerose · 24/07/2017 13:04

I would agree. After the Friday bombshell he has become very attentive again. We have always been a cuddly type of couple. always say I love you after every text,email etc. bed is not just for sex but cuddles . he will hug me and kiss me at random times. Always get the feeling when out his eye is on the door if you get my meaning but is this me or he is? He always holds my hand in public so not sure where I stand. find evidence is hard

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 24/07/2017 13:43

My DH told me he loved me all the time, would always be his 'girlfriend' at same time as overtexting a 21 year old employee, writing songs about her and arranging the occasional secret meet ups, and he is 'not the type' one bit, so I have become somewhat cynical about the 'love you' stuff

mrsaxlerose · 24/07/2017 13:56

yetmorecrap. Im sorry you went through that. its awful. Mine all through 2016 was having a mid life crisis. I suspect its still going on. When you said a young employee I suspect this is the same. He went away on Wednesday called me at 7pm , was short and quick with his conversation. I called him at 10.15 and he was very angry and sounded drunk saying he was mad at people as they always let you down and you cant depend on anyone . I said he could depend on me but he laughed and said that wasn't the same as he knew he could always depend on me. I asked what he meant and who had angered him but he said no one he was tired and going to bed. Im now thinking he had arranged to meet someone ( a regular or a one night stand) and they didn't come . The guilt was him asking for a divorce. Lots of things coming back to me now and im analysing everything. I hope your happy now. Im sure I will be one day xx

OP posts:
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