Busted?

[lilydove]

I have name changed and I think I know what most of the replies will say but I want to know whether or not I'm being a complete idiot.
So the background is that me and DH have been going through a bad patch (together over 20 years and no DC at home). He has MH issues, had a breakdown and moved out a few months back. We've been working hard to improve the relationship and his MH has been improving. Of course, I suspected an OW in the beginning but there was never any evidence and no one crawled out of the woodwork once he was in his own place. Anyway, fast forward a few months and we seem back on track, really enjoying being together and committed to living together again.
Last night though he made me think he was at his flat but I had this gut feeling he was out. It turns out I was right. I drove to the station just after the last train turned up and there he was walking back. Worse still, he was on his phone chatting away to someone at nearly 1 am.
I pulled up. He hung up. We talked. He said he didn't tell me he was going out because I would have kicked off. He is partly right that I would have been uncomfortable about it but not because I don't like him going out, it is because of the fact that he is always massively evasive when going out with that group (friends from work, male and female). The person on the phone was one of the women who apparently wanted him to phone to say he'd got his connecting train ok. Not sure why, he's a big bloke and old enough to catch a train on his own. Apparently she is concerned about him because of his marital situation (she didn't seem to know we were ok again).
I said he'd misled me and hidden the truth and also been completely inappropriate to be on the phone to another woman at that time of night.
He doesn't really see that he's done anything wrong because he says he knows that he didn't have any inappropriate motives and now seems to be acting like I should be the one in the doghouse for being angry even though I have exposed the lies and what I think is probably an emotional affair.
Every time I close my eyes I just see him walking along on his phone smiling...
I'd really like to know some other opinions on this. Am I overreacting by being annoyed or under reacting by not ending it?

I wouldn't really say busted. Without further info you're going on a hunch. It could easily be nothing but also easily be something. Sorry not much help but maybe just try not to over analyse and see how things are?

He's moving on..... no man walks home at 1am talking to a Woman on his mobile unless they are emotionally involved.. exception to the case it's his Mother...

but this is just my view OP

He could have texted to say he got the connecting train.

He's behaving shifty and I'd probably prefer to revert to the separation to be honest.

Maybe... just maybe... it's possible for a women and a man to be friends. I know, I know, I'm in shock to. Do these people not realise we're living in the 1800's!

Maybe, she said text me to let me know your on the train. Maybe he forgot, and she worried. So called him instead of waiting for a reply before going to bed...

The issue for me is that you felt the need to stalk him. If that was the other way around this thread would be completely different. He's entitled to go out, he's entitled to go out with the people he chooses without an argument just because you don't like it/them.

I think you need to take a look at your actions here. To me those are the problem. Sure he lied, but you admitted you'd have an issue with it, bloke can't win!

So you spied on him to see if he's going out to places and with people you don't approve of? sounds as if you're the controlling one here. Was your control anything to do with his breakdown per chance?

TBH if he's moved on it's not really that surprising, you don't live together, yes you may be working on things but realistically it's inevitable that you will both forge your own lives to an extent while living apart. For you to drive to the station to try to catch him out however is massively unreasonable, and as a PP said, if this situation was reversed the responses would unanimously be to ltb.

Why are you following him at 1am? That's massively unhealthy. I wouldn't be with anyone that did this

I had an ex that followed me once. Tried to catch me out doing something wrong purely because he didn't like who I was with. No one was slow in telling me how controlling and disturbing that behaviour was and to get rid of him asap.

Blimey, some harsh responses. He lied to you, and this would indicate that 'working hard on things' doesn't really apply to him. If your relationship was good he would simply say what he is doing - that's what I would expect.

He is emotionally involved with that woman to be on the phone with her at 1am.

Your relationship is not good by the looks of things - he is still weighing up options I think, and I would consider moving on now.

I love some of these responses .

Let's bypass the OP admitting she was following him at that time of night.

Let's bypass the OP saying she wouldn't have been happy if she had known he was going out because he is evasive when he is out.

He lied because he knew the OP would react. He's a grown man he doesn't need her approval of who he can go out with.

Why can't he have a phone call at 1am? Would we be saying there must be an emotional connection if it was a man on the phone?

For all we know the woman friend could have called him making sure he got the train ok, because guess what OP men can get attacked too at the time of night, so regardless of how big he is And grown that isn't going to deter a group of men jumping him for his possessions.

I think it's quite concerning what you've posted and if you was a man writing this everyone would be diving on you.

Get rid. You've turned into a woman who drives around looking for her husband at 1am.

I don't see at all what he has done wrong ??? He was talking to a women on the phone ??? Why is this indicative of cheating ??