Unwanted

[EnFlique]

Sorry to sound pathetic but I am feeling it at the moment after discovering yet another man that I thought there was a chance of something with is now seeing someone else.

I feel like absolute shite, my own fault for being nosey I suppose.

This man was someone I had met online, we talked for quite a while, great conversations about all sorts, met a few times and then bam - ghosted.

I tried to remain dignified and just deleted etc bit silly me just snooped on social media and have seen that he is in a relationship with someone since the beginning of July, therefore there must have been some crossover.

I wouldn't even be that bothered if he had been honest but he really lead me to believe he liked me - he was very much the instigator in chatting and meeting up etc

This seems to happen all the time, I'll be really getting on with someone and I'm the end whether they end up with someone else or just stop being interested it ends.

I don't know what it is about me. I probably am coming across very needy on this thread but as I said I'm just feeling pathetic right now and my self-esteem is shot.

I don't think I'm particularly overbearing, I don't go over the top and try to force contact etc but obviously something about me is putting people off.

I tried online dating as I never get to meet men through work and have limited time to get out and socialise as I'm a single parent.

I'm getting quite sick of building myself back up after constant knock backs.
I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this, I just feel sad.

When you think back to your interactions with these men, do you think it's possible you were coming in too strong too quickly?

No, not at all. Honestly, conversation wise it tends to be general chit chat, shared interests etc.
I'm very wary of being hurt after past relationships and to be honest I find it embarrassing to be turned down so I tend not to do the coming on to people, rather wait for them to show they're interested and let them take the lead.

It's not you it's them. I don't think online dating works for many women as too many guys just seem to enjoy a chase and then they're on to the next one.

I know what you mean I've had this too buggered if I know how to fix it I've given up

Internet dating...the ultimate lazy sweet shop for certain people of either sex...only works for people with bullet proof self confidence (or less politely narcissists, sociopaths and other undesirables). If you are feeling low, lock up your account and try meeting people another way instead? Meetup, volunteering etc. I appreciate it won't be easy with work-children, but interacting with people beyond a computer screen may boost your confidence. No guarantees that you will meet the right romantic suitor, but it may make you feel better than scanning dozens of profiles of men on internet dating who may misrepresent themselves in lots of ways.

Thank you for your replies. I had a little cry then deleted the apps as I'm definitely not feeling bulletproof at the moment.
Reassuring to know it's not just me, although shit for everyone else it has happened to.

dont take it personally. Internet dating was made for men! They can't lose because they have so much more time on their hands to explore possibilities than many women do, especially those with children.

Internet dating...the ultimate lazy sweet shop for certain people of either sex...only works for people with bullet proof self confidence (or less politely narcissists, sociopaths and other undesirables).

What utter bollocks. Nothing like generalising eh!!

I know, right. I met my partner on a dating site, I'm neither a narcassist, sociopath or undesirable. I can pull when I go out, I just didn't like going out.

Don't give up you just have to sort out the idiots before you find the nice ones!
I had a lot of idiots before met my DH in 2010 just as I was giving up hope.
Keep at it and I am sure your find someone, I always thought the paid sites are much better than the free ones.

I met a lot of frogs before I found DH.
IME more expensive sites worked better, there are less chancers, or at least of they are, they are more solvent!

I me too my dp on line as did most of my work colleagues.
Look at it this way if you go out and come across 100 men but don't end up with any of them , then do it again 10 times, you wouldn't stop going out would you.
It does take time and effort when online and you do need a thick skin.

Rationalise this. Old is a good way to meet lots of people. The vast majority of people you meet are going to be transitory in your life story, your time is precious as is theirs. We don't have to commit ourselves to having some kind relationship by text or otherwise with every single person we take a shine to on OLD. I met my husband on OLD and we are both normal decent people who got lucky. That's all it is. You cant be taking it personally. Its not you. Its not them. It just 'is'. Normal human selective behaviour.

Internet dating was made for men! They can't lose because they have so much more time on their hands to explore possibilities

I'm a man. Didn't work for me. At all. Or for an awful lot of men and women. I know loads of people who have done OLD. I only know of one wedding (and that marriage is rocky already after just 4 years) and one very successful LTR. For most people it's a handful of single dates that lead nowhere or maybe casual dating for two months and then it ends.

I think if you live in a large city you stand a better chance because of sheer numbers.

Hmmm maybe it's because I live in a village that it worked for me then.
I have to disagree that it doesn't work, I know lots of married couples who met on line.

Hmmm maybe it's because I live in a village that it worked for me then.
I have to disagree that it doesn't work, I know lots of married couples who met on line.

emily I think that's the whole thing with OLD. It's as much luck as real life is. For everyone like me and my friends who find it a total useless bit of kit, there will be people like you for whom it does work. I didn't say it doesn't work, I said it doesn't work for a lot of people.

But as I remarked on the dating thread this morning, I dispute that so many people find life partners as statistics state - otherwise why, after two years away from two dating sites, when I rejoined this weekend, did I see loads of people still on there from my previous stint? It's been proven that paid for sites have fake profiles to keep you there just as your membership is about to run out. These are businesses - they aren't in it to be altruistic; they are there to make money.

He was a shit for ghosting you - there just isn't ever any need to do that to someone

I think you can only do OLD though, if you do truly fundamentally believe that if you're not right for someone, then it's not any defect in you - it's just you're not a match, end of.

Doesn't mean you're not great, interesting, funny, attractive... you just aren't a match. Hell, I have male friends who are amazing, and I wish we could have a spark because they're tried and tested perfect in terms of personality. Friends I've had for 20 years. Never ever put yourself down and feel unwanted because the spark isn't strong enough for one or both of you.

OK, so when it doesn't work out most of us are going to think "what's wrong with me..." and BT down. But if your fundamental belief is that you're fine, you just weren't for that guy, then you'll bounce back quickly.

I know it can seem like it keeps happening... but that's dating.

Imagine I told you that I had 20 friends lined up for you to meet. How likely is it that you think you'd end up with one of them? I think you'd consider it perfectly possible that none would be right for you. When I think of all the men I've met and how many I've sparked with.., it's a low percentage. So not going anywhere with 20 men online shouldn't seem a surprise, or make you too despondent (though I get why it does!)

You have to go for numbers. Keep dating, meet quickly, keep dates short, keep many irons in the fire. And think about your friends - male and female - who have been dumped over the years. Most of us, multiple times. So... people who you know are lovely don't always work out. Accept the hit rate is low, anc whilst it is 'personal' I suppose - it's not a negative personal thing. It's just a lack of match / fit / spark.

Good luck!

Good advice from all there, I do think it's the ghosting that got to me the most.

I'm under no illusion that not everyone I meet is going to want a relationship with me or me with them. If I'm not interested I'll say so (in a nice way) it just seems that that doesn't apply the other way round.

I've looked at some of the paid sites - tried match.com and found it terrible, any recommendations as to which ones are worth paying for? They're all pretty pricey so trial and error is not doable!