Feeling very sad - past abuse (trigger)

[AWomanOfSlenderMeans]

I've name changed. Not a massive poster, but this is very personal.

I was sexually abused by my father from the age of around 7 until 18, when I then got into a relationship with a man just to get away from home. This relationship eventually broke down and I was lucky to meet my lovely DH and go on to have DC.

My mother found out what had been going on at least twice during my childhood, and although threats and promises were made, she didn't carry it through and I was forced to carry on living with my father. I remember the first time she found out, and I was so happy as I thought everything would be ok now someone had found out.

My parents moved to another country several years back, my father wanted to move there although my mother not happy as this took her away from family. She eventually agreed to it, with promises of new furniture, car, etc etc. I felt with angry about this and didn't visit them for many years.

I decided a few years ago that i would visit my parents, mainly for my mothers sake. They have aged a lot and are both in ill health. I have continued to visit them, although this causes me a lot of stress. My father in particular is now very frail. My mother is a sweet, but weak person.

I last visited them a couple weeks ago, and since them have felt very sad. The time there was dreadful, they both have lots of health problems, and I feel very resentful to both of them for what happened to me in the past (obviously more to my father, but feel that mother was an enabler, or at at the very least turned a blind eye).

Since I have come back from this visit I have felt that I am in a very black hole. I have spent most of today crying. My DH is cross with me because I can't move off the sofa.

My DH does sort of know what happened to me, but I don't think he takes it take seriously, or maybe it's his way of dealing with it. One of my brothers also knows but he was very shocked and would prefer to sweep it under the carpet.

I have a couple more brothers who have children. I have never worried about my father doing anything as I have become an adult, but I am scared of ever telling them in case they think I have ever put their children at risk because I haven't told them what happened to me.

Apologies for the rambling post, but it is cathartic to write this down. BTW, I have never had any counselling, or discussed with anyone other than DH and brother. Never discuss with mother, as she would want to absolved of her responsibility, and not sure if I can do that.

You don't deserve what happened to you, and you were let down by the two people who should have taken care if you and kept you safe.

Rape Crisis support women who have been affected by sexual violence at any time in their life. There are national telephone helplines and local services, and sometimes email support is available too.

It was not your fault.
Your response, the black hole, is perfectly reasonable.
Please seek help from people who are competent in helping people in your situation. I hope posters will come along who can point you in the right direction to find help.

Thank you PurpleToeNails and chips4teaplease, you are very kind. I have coped with this for so long, and thought that I was quite brave, that am stunned how this last visit has come up and bit me on the behind.

What an awful thing to have happened to you, I'm sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom but I can't see how this could be your fault in anyway - You were a child. A black hole seems reasonable. Please don't blame yourself x

You were probably protecting your emotional self by keeping away from them, but thought now you would be ok. imo what they both did to you would negate any duty you have to them as your aging parents...they broke the parental contract. love your family and enjoy their love for you. get counselling if you feel it might help.

It sounds like you have been really strong for a long long time. Maybe now seeing them old and frail has made you think about/grieve for the parents you deserved and will never have, along with grieving for your own childhood.
Everyone is different, and we can react in unexpected ways, at unexpected times.
It's okay to let your feelings out.

PurpleToeNails, you have summed it up so well. I am sad for the childhood that passed me. I am glad that I gave my DD the best I could. I read post earlier in the week from a mum who didn't want to buy her DD a JoJo hair bow. My DD would have got them in spades if that's what she wanted.

My DH has just told me off and said that he has never seen me as bad as this. I

I think I have been strong. I have carried this burden since I was 7, and am in mid 50s now. I thought I could deal with it, but is just too much. I can't stop crying and my DH is fed up with me

Yes, you have been strong and it sounds like your daughter is lucky to have you as a great mum.

Maybe now it's time for you to get the support that can help you just now.
What do you think your husband could do to support you at the moment?

Sending you seek help & support. You deserve it, now is the time.

PurpleToeNails - thank you for your supportive comments. My daughter is the best thing ever to happen to me, she is a delight and the light of my life. My DH is good too, but he really doesn't not get things like this. For example when we have discussed historic sex abuse cases, he does not see it from the victims case... He is very pissed off with me tonight though, I can't stop crying and he thinks I am mad. I can't discuss with anyone in real life, sexual abuse is so shameful. Don't want to do on and on about it...

Thanks to everyone else for their kind support x

I'm so sorry that you have been through this. Sometimes at our age (I am the same as you), the enormity of what has happened to us hits us, and triggers a reaction. It is ok to cry and cry, and unfortunately, kind though he is, your DH can have no idea. He doesn't know how much you have carried, and he will see you as a very strong person. Which you are. But strong people need some support, so I too would urge you to find a good support for you, outside of your family. It was absolutely not your fault, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. All the very best to you

I can hear how special your daughter is to you, and you deserved all the live you have for her too.
It is a difficult for a lot of people to discuss in real life, but can I say the shame isn't yours...it's your father's for what he did, and your mother's for ignoring it.
Sometimes a book can help, if you're not ready to discuss in real life. The Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis.

I think you need to access support as your husband is so uncomprehending. Not seeing sexual abuse from a victim's perspective is very odd imo.

You can contact Rape Crisis for any kind of historic abuse and they will help you.

I think you need to buy your husband some books on sexual abuse so he can learnt to understand what you're dealing with. You shouldn't have to, but I think it's important that he gets a grip.

Cry all you like. Don't apologise. Can you confide in any female friends in real life?

Please seek some counselling, it will make all the difference to how you cope going forward. I decided to try and block out what happened to me and never spoke about it for nearly 40 years. It isn't healthy and caused all sorts of issues with my self esteem and how I thought I deserved to be treated! There is no shame in talking about it, it wasn't your fault and the counsellor will no doubt have dealt with this sort of thing before.

OP, counselling will help. But it's not a miracle cure. Being heard is the most important thing.

I hadn't realised you'd carried your burden for so long. You have been very brave. I have a theory that when terrible things happen, we suppress the horror and our natural feelings of despair, disappointment etc until we have a safe time to look at them. I think this is your 'safe time' and even though you feel terrible right now, it is the right time for you to address this.

Hi op, I went through something similar, albeit circumstances were different.

You are NOT being ridiculous, your husband needs a kick. I recently had what you have, black hole, my husband supported me, I've had therapy. I'm only a year on but it has helped. I've got a lot further to go but it's a start. Do reach out for help. And I know how you feel but please, being abused isn't something you should be ashamed of. It was done to you, you are the victim.

feel free to message me if you want to talk

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through.

My story is not the same, but similar. My parents were very emotionally neglectful and turned a blind eye to my brothers bad behaviour which eventually escalated to sexual assaults.

I've had lots of therapy and it really has helped and really has changed my life.

I also challenged my abuser and my parents even though my natural instincts were to carry on keeping the secrets for everybody else's sake.

Now I say fuck their feelings. If my narcissistic mother wants to cry hysterically about how hard this is for her then I don't feel responsible for that. She had a chance to parent me properly and couldn't be arsed.

I resented my parents for years but still played happy families with them. It did terrible things to me.

Things are hard now, but at least I am living an honest life and that is one where I don't go along with the charade of it being ok what I had to put up with in childhood.

Please seek professional help. You need it.

I also echo the comment someone made about not seeing abuse from the victims point of view. What does that even mean?

Thank you all, you are very kind.

RedastheRose, I would like to have some counselling but no idea how to go about it.

TatianaLarina - my husband has no idea. In fact he has a very odd understanding of issues like this. I have discussed historical issues with him, and he just does not get it. He thinks that is something that should be easily dismissed. He has had a very strange upbringing himself, and I sometimes wonder if he has anything in the past.

Again, thanks to all. It has been very positive to have a vent online. I feel bad for complaining about my mum, she has not had an easy life with my father and is not a strong person. My father had a very difficult start to his life, but that does not excuse his behaviour to me. He has started to go to church regularly over the past couple of years, but that's not going to help him!

AristotlesArmy and sewingmachinesoflove, I am so sorry that you have gone through similar experiences and glad that you on your way to finding closure.

I meant to send my last post before I went to bed last night but didn't press send. I have not had a good night and have been thinking about this over and over again.

Whilst not wanting to make excuses for him, I think that my DH has low emotional intelligence, he just does not get how people can't move on about things over time. I think that he is on the spectrum, but will never know for sure now.

My mother first found out when I was around 13. I was so happy, I thought that would be the end of it. There was talk of moving out and she went to see someone at the 'welfare'. From what I can remember there was a meeting and my younger brother said that he wanted to stay with his dad, so that was the end of that, they said they couldn't split a family, or at least that's what my mum said. I have no idea what she told the welfare people, but it couldn't have been what had happened to me surely? Leopards don't change their spots and it all started again, and was found out again when I was around 16. As I have already said, I married the first man I could...

My father has been emotionally, mentally, physically and financially abusive to my mother over the years. He is frail now, but still has a shocking temper and likes to sit on his money. When I was last visiting he had a massive argument with my mother in front of me, and everything just came rampaging back from the past. I wonder he has forgotten... He should be quaking in his bloody boots in case I say anything now, not behaving like a tyrannical bully. After this episode my mother said to me and my brother that she wished she had left him years ago, but it was difficult all those years ago when she had children to bring up and my father would never have let her have the house. She went on to say she had to stay with him otherwise she would have had to move to council house!!!!! I would have LOVED to have lived in a council house and been free of him.

I only see them a couple of times a year, but after this last visit I am wondering if I should just loose with them and not visit again. I only go because of my mother.

I have a good friend who is a social worker, and she once said something to me many years ago, only the one time, where she implied she knew what my issue with my father was... Maybe it's more obvious than I think!

TatianaLarina - thanks for info re Rape Crisis. I am off later in the week and I will try and contact them if I can. I have thought about counselling but am scared to do it, and really don't know how to if I am honest. There's no way I could go to see my GP.

Thank you all for your kind words and support, and for sharing your own experiences, it is appreciated. Need to buck up now and get into work :(

Well down for posting again awoman.

One of the reasons abuse goes on unchallenged is attitudes like your husbands. It's not something you can or should just forget about.

My family think the same way. It's all. very "oh well it happened, now move on".

It isn't that simple.

In your shoes I'd be reporting him to the police but I say that as I've had lots of counselling and feel strong enough to do that. There's no evidence in my case but there certainly is in yours if your mother and possibly other agencies were aware.

I think your mother behaved despicably, by the way, and nothing excuses her.m behaviour.

You can get one off telephone support by calling the helplines below, or make the first step to getting counselling / emotional support.
Rape Crisis National Helpline (England and Wales)
Freephone 0808 802 9999
12 noon - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm every day of the year
For details of local centres in England and Wales, for face to face emotional support and/ or counselling:
rapecrisis.org.uk/centreslist.php

Rape Crisis Scotland national helpline:
Phone free any day between 6pm and midnight on 08088 01 03 02 or if you are deaf or hard of hearing on minicom number 0141 353 3091.
For details of local centres in Scotland: www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/help-local-rape-crisis-centres/

NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood)
Helpline: 0808 801 0331
10am-9pm Mon-Thu & 10am-6pm on Fridays.

Thanks again for all your help and wise words.

PurpleToeNails - thank you for the contact details. At the moment I don't feel that I can actually speak to anyone, either over the phone or face to face, and actually say what happened to me. However, I have emailed Rape Crisis with details and asked if they might be able to help. Hopefully they will get back to me in the next day or so. I suppose it's a start.

sewingmachinesoflove - I don't want to go to the police. My parents live in another country now, and my father is very old and frail and probably won't live that much longer. After living with this for so long, I don't feel that going down this route would achieve much now. I think his punishment has been that he hasn't been able to live the healthy and active older years he thought he would, and is now a shadow of his younger self. His quality of life is not good, and his life is pretty much like being in the 'waiting room' if you see what I mean.

I feel really sick now, as well as being worn out. Off to bed for an early night again, and maybe I will feel a bit better tomorrow. I have a day off in the week so I have treated myself and booked a little pampering session. Thanks everyone.

I can hear how emotionally exhausted you are, and being kind to yourself sounds a great idea.
I don't know if this is a common view, but I believe a skilled worker/ counsellor should be able to give you support without knowing any details you aren't comfortable sharing...e.g. by working with your emotions, and not expecting you to go into detail.
Take care.

Thanks again for advice and support, and to PurpleToeNails for the contact information.

I have made a little progress. As I mentioned, I contacted Rape Crisis by email as was too nervous to phone. Someone got back to me today and said that I could call them, or if I gave them my number they would phone me. I chose the latter, and managed get the nerve to pick up the phone when I got a withheld number this afternoon. The lady that I spoke to explained what they can do, and I said that I would like to go on the waiting list for counselling. I have an appointment for a assessment the week after next.

The waiting list for counselling is around twelves months, but that's not a problem as I feel lighter already that I have taken a small step.

Thanks again for the help, it is really appreciated, and it has motivated me to think about moving forward. I am going to go back to my usual name now, but will perhaps give an update on any progress in future.