I need a verbal beating to stop me doing something stupid

[Marbledbutnotquite]

Been married to H for 5 years and he is all types of abusive. We have 3 DC under three, and I am a SAHM which I deeply regret, as it has made me so vulnerable, so I am currently trying to build a war chest for myself to get out with a few friends' help. Life is currently just so unbearable.

I have a male friend who I have been fantasising about building a life with as soon as my marriage started to become unbearable. He has no idea of this, no idea of how bad my marriage is, and we meet occasionally and just have a coffee (we work in similar fields.) I have very intense dreams about being with him or being happy with him (not sexual dreams), and I know it's really stupid because actually I don't even know him in that kind of way and I'm just projecting all the things I want on to him, or all the things my husband is not.

I always liked my male friend, romantically. Before H and I met, male friend did start to indicate that he was interested in me, but I didn't really pick up on the signals because I was being intensely wined, dined and love-bombed by H (all red flags, obviously.) Friend was shocked when I announced we were engaged, but stayed a consistent friend, has always been there for me. He has just always been much more subtle than my H, he is interested in me and we get each other and understand who each other are.

At friend's 40th birthday party his mother took me aside and told me that I was a "light in (friend's) life," and she'd heard so much about me. I don't know what she was trying to tell me. So I don't think I am imagining his original romantic feelings for me, although doubtless they have now probably dispersed because I am married and we are both getting on with our lives but still friends.

I need you to stop me confessing these feelings to him in the hope of "feeling good" or some reciprocation, or I don't know what. Life is just so bad right now I am tempted to to have some hope, but I completely know it is wrong and I am deluded. Because even if he does feel the same it will cause no end of trouble that I don't need. And I shouldn't be looking to be emotionally "rescued," until I rescue myself. And there's also a high chance he doesn't and then I will feel even worse.

So really, please, I would like a verbal beating. Please tell me all the reasons it's an awful idea. I know them in the back of my mind, I just need them down here in black and white. I'm too embarrassed to confess this to my RL friends (who all know him,) so I think seeing it in black and white here will really bring it home to me.

DO NOT DO IT

COncentrate on getting out of this relationship and getting your life back on track. Saying or doing anything would be a mistake. Just get out and rebuild. Good luck and well done in deciding to leave

One step at a time! Are you planning your exit from the marriage? If so - your kids are your #1 priority, closely followed by getting yourself strong and independent. A new name is waaaay down the list of priorities.

Daydreaming is fine but there are very few Prince charmings out there. Didn't you think your husband was one once?

Name = man.

You need to put yourself and your children first. Your friend CANNOT 'rescue' you. You are totally projecting. Get away from your abusive H as a matter of the most urgent priority. Worry about your love life afterwards.

An affair now would catastrophically muddy already murky water.

It's not that you can't ever tell him how you feel, you just need to do it in the right order. Leave the marriage first. Have some time alone. Then, tell him if it still seems right. To speak if it before then, changes absolutely everything.

I'm wondering if this OM is really symbolising an quick escape route for you op but all the time you are focusing your energy on the dream of him you're not really using it to make a RL plan of escape.

You need to focus on getting out of that marriage if that's what you are planning and then on looking after you and your DCs.

Most of all, you need to look at doing the Freedom programme and recognising that you are a strong woman who doesn't need a man in her life. Then, later, you can think about a new relationship but now isn't the time

Concentrate on getting free from your husband first. It would just complicate things.

When you are divorced and got your life back on track then go for it bit atm just one step at a time

If you are in the U.K. Call women's aid for advice. You are projecting onto this guy ATM and it's stopping you focusing on now. If you were to confess attraction to him it would not only complicate what you are doing now but your abusive husband could (and would) use it as a stick to beat you with.

You have hope, you need to focus on the fact that hope is getting out not getting a new man. Make a plan, get help, get out, get your divorce sorted THEN worry about a new romantic relationship.

If it's meant to be it will be in time. If you started entering into a new relationship whilst you are still vulnerable it won't end well. It's also less likely to survive as your husband will use it against y u during the divorce and that puts a lot of strain on any relationship.

Use friends as support, focus on getting out and getting safe asap. The rest will follow in time once you are rid of your soon to be ex.

It's so normal to want someone or something else that could be "normal" when you are in an abusive relationship. This is why I always say affairs are never black and white.

As someone who exited an abusive situation I understand the temptation.

Please don't do it though. Wait. Wait until you have left and recovered because you really don't need to complicate your life any more than it is right now.
You need to exit the marriage and sort yourself out first. X