No care when I'm sick

[WinterWonder]

How can I get my OH to show a bit of care when I'm sick? I always care for him when he's ill, and get the kids out to give him some peace. His reaction is always to go out leaving me with the kids. This morning he criticised me for leaving them with the telly when he went out running- he turned it off in the middle of a programme and left me to deal with the fallout. He even resented bringing me a second cuppa this morning (he brought the first cos he was making himself one). This is a recurring thing when I'm sick,how can I make I'm see what an arse he is being?

You can't, in my experience, unless you're willing to treat him the same way when he's sick, although that's not really fair on the children.

Nice people don't treat their partners in that way, in my experience.

You doing it for him is not going to get him to do it for you. Prepare for a tough conversation - how about "when you are ill what do I do for you? would you rather I ignored you, or went out and left you with the kids? no? so why do you do that to me when I am ill?" Or just have a tantrum. Nice isn't going to cut it here.

My Exh once stepped over me as I was laying on the hall floor too weak to get up.
I had a really bad D&V bug and had collapsed trying to get to the bathroom so you can imagine what I was laying in. He stepped over me and went to watch TV. My friend came and drove me to hospital and they ended up keeping me for 2 days. I cleaned the floor when I got home.

Did I mention he is EX husband

When my stbxh is sick, he always shuts himself off in the bedroom and the DC are not to go near him as he is 'worried they will catch out'...how thoughtful, however completely different matter if I've got it...not worried about them catching it then, funny that.

Last year I had a really bad case of gastroenteritis, I was having to take immodium so I could sleep. He works away at times and decided he was still going on his work trip even though I was ill and hardly eaten for a week. I was having to take Imodium just so I could do the school run.

I had my gallbladder out by keyhole surgery a couple of years ago. On my 1st day managing DC on my own, I really struggled whilst DP was at work.

I got a text from my sister, from the pub, saying she had bumped in to my DP. I was furious & upset.

A decent partner wouldn't do that, as someone said upthread.

In answer to your question, I would be telling him that you won't be offering support next time he is ill, and tell him why. Actions speak louder than words.

He sounds like a complete arse to be honest. You shouldn't have to tell him to help with the kids when you're sick, he should just do it!
Stop allowing him to treat you like this. Tell him you are ill so unable to look after the children then just take yourself off to bed and let him get on with it.

LTB

I've read this same scenario on here a number of times & it really is shittiest behaviour of the lowest order. Wait until you are feeling better & then read him the riot act. Make sure when he is ill you behave in exactly the same way towards him.

My ex ( note 'ex') was the same, I used to fear being ill as I didn't know how I would cope, he used to say I was making a fuss and would go to work leaving me to deal with the dc's. It's so much easier nowhes gone and the dc's are a bit older, I just let them have extra screen time so they stay out of my way.

I'd bite the bullet and highlight what an absolute twat bag he is being. Then tell him you won't be giving him any sympathy when he's ill. In fact you might even book yourself in for a spa day. Feel better soon. I too am ill, with a useless husband. X

I finished with a boyfriend who left me struggling with the worst sore throat and earache I have ever had - I walked 2 miles to a pharmacy and they were lovely and wouldn't let me go home unless I called a taxi. He knew how ill I was as he had been with me all night. He had a car. He just left for work, grumpily, as I had distrubed his sleep. I decided he was not long term partner material at that point.

I suggest you say directly what you require 'I need you to stay in and look after dc, I need you to get me medicine' etc. It will make it more obvious if he refuses that he is being an arse.

Time to make him realise you are as important as he is. What did you do when he left you with the fallout from him turning the tv off?

I went to bed. The kids followed me, wailing and screaming, I just said I wasn't going to get into a fight with Daddy over the telly, and they needed to talk to him if they were unhappy. He came in to tell me how disappointed in me he is that I think it's fine to let the kids watch hours of telly. He just doesn't seem to get it. He did eventually take them out for an hour, leaving the house a mess. He also managed to wash his running stuff, but failed to see the other washing that needed doing. I've done 4 loads today.
On the upside, my adorable 6 yr old brought me this:

This man sounds awful.

My ex was exactly like this. Once he left me with 4 children under 8 when I was delirious with tonsillitis and another I really hurt my back, I couldn't even use the bathroom. He didn't care I didn't get a cup of tea or a slice of toast let alone any care. Then on the eighth day he suddenly remembered that he had some strong painkillers in his bag in the corner of the bedroom and gave me some!
But when he was ill the whole world had to care for him.

I think how you are treated when ill is a good indicator of a partners character.

My stbxh left me alone when I came out of surgery..I think I was too shocked to deal with him and wish I had left him then.It never got better, years later I had pneumonia and he wouldn't help with childcare or collect children from school.

I feel I was ill more frequentely and seriously when with him as I was never able to properly recovery so my immune system depleted.

This is why you can't rush getting to know someone as you have to go through these tests to ensure your partner is a good person.

The rest of the time he is good, he does lots with the kids and more than most around the house. I have friends who think he is the perfect man. It's just when I'm ill he seems to go on the defensive, as though giving me the time and help to get better might go on permanently & he will have to run everything forever. It really is like this every time. Its not even like he's back at work tomorrow- he's just started his 6week break.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Nice to know not everyone is ignoring me

ah bless your 6 year old. i hesitate to use the word traning..but your husband does seem to need some help! I am guessng he is a teacher? You might have tried it, but you need to talk to him and make sure he understands your view of things. As with rows, it is better to do this when you are not in the moment, so do talk to him, with examples, when you feel better. if you can ( i cant as im not placid) try not to be accusatory..ask him why when he is normally a loving caring partner, he is like this?? what is he like when the children are ill?

Hope you're feeling a bit better today OP.

I think part of it is that people have different ways of acting when ill. DH likes to keep going , although grumpily and slowly whilst complaining, whereas I'd rather take to my bed. He sees illness as self inflicted I suspect, for people that don't exercise enough or eat the right foods and if anyone in the family is ill spends a lot of time speculating on how it happened whereas I know it's generally random .

I do worry about what would happen if I got some sort of long term illness as I'm not sure how arre relationship would work so hope that I don't.

When you're better bawl him out about the tv. If you're ill and he's decided to sod off and do his hobby the least he can do is not criticise your parenting. Also remind him of what you do when he is ill and tell him you won't bother in future as clearly he doesn't want it or he'd look after you as well.

If possible next time you're unwell remove yourself entirely from the house and let him sort it out.