Its difficult to know where to start
I met this man online dating, we clicked from our very first date and went on to being in a relationship for six months (I know it’s pathetic as it’s not long at all in the grand scheme of things). Often we would argue about petty little things, break up for a few hours in the heat of the moment but he always came back unable to leave me. I’m 25 and I lost my virginity to this guy after waiting forever for the right guy and since then it’s just been a massive spiral of decline.
I'm old school when it comes to sex, I had always waited for the right person to come along all my life and I thought that was him…now to the shit parts after:
He recently went away on holiday, and whilst away we did face time. I realize this looks bad on me but we were in a relationship and I trusted him but as we exchanged in conversation on face time when he said he was alone and we got a little sexually heated, he then flipped his camera and showed his friends. I was mortified. Hurt . Embarrassed.
A few days passed and he texted whilst still abroad that I meant so much to him. That he was scared to fall in love with me in case he got hurt but he couldn’t imagine his life without me. We said we’d talk about it in person when he’s back. He returned from abroad on the Sunday and my birthday was the Monday. Again, hurt upset we argued.
On the Tuesday he said he’d like to see me on Friday to sort things out. Agreed a time and place and he didn’t turn up. Stood me up. I rang, texted, no answer. This is probably the 4th time he’s done this.
Saturday morning he texts apologizing saying his head was a mess and he didn’t know what he wanted. Asked me to go to his home. I went over and we talked things through, he said he’d be a better boyfriend to me, and treat me better and give me what I wanted that he’d come offline and not go back on there as it bothered me. We had sex. He messaged that night saying he’d deleted his account but I can see when he logs in.
Sunday night. He logged in.
Monday morning he logged in.
I questioned it as he said he had deleted it and he said I don’t trust him and once again we broke up. He’s removed me from all social media. This was three weeks ago now. We’ve argued actively since and then it stopped. He said he’ll always have a lot of time for me and that he probably does love me but needs some time that he wants me to move on and he wants to do the same.
A few days later he messages and asks if I’ve gone on any dates. I said no but there was one arranged and he got angry at me and we argued. He then ignored me for a few days didn’t reply to any of my messages. I can see him actively log on to online dating.
Another few days passed and he texted asking how the date went. I didn’t go, how could I when I was clearly still attached to him. He replied blunt one word answers.
I asked him if I was to move on if it would bother him and he said yes.
However he does not want to be with me.
I decided, given what he means to me that we should try and salvage a friendship but nothing. If I don’t text reply for a few days he comes back and it ropes me back every time. I can’t let him go, I want him so much but I don’t know how to win him over.
Today he said he’d meet me, but then cancelled. I asked if he really wanted me in his life. No reply.
Help me, I’m losing my mind and my heart is broken. I can’t ignore him like he ignores me. Every time he comes back I run back hoping he’d be better. And repeat. Unfortunately I think most girls have gone through the heartache of losing their first at a much younger age, it’s hurting me pretty bad.