First serious relationship after abusive marriage - how do you know?!

[strawberrysundaepie]

Married for ten years, split 5 years ago. Physically and emotionally abusive marriage.

Have been dating a very understanding man since February. We tend to go out every couple of weeks plus he will come over in the week and just hang out/stay over etc.

I like it. I like him. We get on, we can talk for hours, he's good with the DC, DC like him.

But. I like being independent, living on my own, not having a man interfere, doing what I want, having my own finances.

I've come to the point where I'm starting to push him away, because I'm scared of him wanting more, moving in, just being "in a relationship". He says he understands, and will wait for me - but surely that just means he is expecting it?

Is it normal to just want to carry on how we are, how long can you just keep having fun for, before you have to have the whole deal? So is it easier to just stop now? I'm being a complete cow atm because I can't decide so I just ignore him for days on end...and still he says he understands. Is he too good to be true?

I had a very good friend who lived separately from her partner. They were very happy. I don't think there are any rules these days. Just do what works for you.

It's still really early days, why the rush?

It takes somewhere close to 2 years to really know someone and as you have children you want to be sure.

Be cautious of him pushing too quickly as that not healthy for either of you.
What's his situation? Does he have a house?

I know.

But how do you even know when it is right, when your past experience is so messy?

He isn't pushing at all. He's so understanding and says he won't do anything I'm not ready for.

He hasn't said anything apart from this, it's just me panicking that one day I will be expected to move in with him and I don't want to live with a man again. What man even wants a relationship like this?

He rents with his brother, been long term and stable.

You've only been seeing him for 6 months OP, do it at your pace. How old are your children?

I'm a lone parent and I've also left an abusive relationship. I don't trust my judgement with men since I managed to have a baby with a complete twat. Will be on my own a long time

DC are 8 and 11.

It's not so much judgement about a man...but judgement about what I want and how I feel, that I have no idea about.

Have you done the Freedom Program?

I haven't done the freedom programme no, but I am having psychological therapy.

OP you left a marriage that understandably left you with many worries and concerns.
You have been with a man for a little under half a year and if things aren't broken don't fix it. If he is happy to continue as you are then just let it continue, don't put so much pressure on yourself to plan the future and enjoy the time with a man who is evidently making you feel good about yourself, which I'm guessing is the first time in a long time you've felt that way.
But I suggest you talk to him about your recent change in the way you've been acting towards him, he sounds like someone you would benefit from keeping around x

If you have been in an abusive relationship you may not be used to having your needs met or even know it's reasonable to have needs.

It's perfectly valid to say you want a relationship but not the whole deal of merging lives.He maybe at a stage when he wants this so be careful that you don't drift into living together..when you know it's not right for you and your dcs.

There are a lot of men who would favour separate living arrangements so don't settle for the 1st man even if he's lovely but could be at a different stage to you.

Domestic setup favours men mostly so I can totally see why you don't want to rush that.I am just a little cautious that he doesn't have a permanent base for himself.Value yourself highly as you have a lot to offer.

Be upfront with your bf, tell him you can't see you moving in together for years..if he pushes back he's not right for you and that's important to know.

This is a test of your recovery...do you know your needs, can you assert them in a relationship and can you take action to end an relationship if your needs are not being met or respected?

I think pushing him away is something you are doing as a gut instinct...listen to that.

My dp and I have been together for a while now - met 18 months ish ago and slowly moved towards something loving and committed. Been serious and talking about being together forever for a few months now.

We have no plans to move in together and both of us are perfectly happy with that. I have young DC, was in an abusive marriage and I like my space. He likes his too. Nothing wrong with living apart, it's ideal for me anyway!

If we were to move in it would be 8-10 years from now when DC older and more independent.

You do you op. You don't have to fit anyone's idea of how things "should" be.

He's says he's happy with how I feel. He says he doesn't want to live together either. The set up with his brother can be permanent really.

I just feel like he is waiting for me to be ready, rather than accepting it will stay like this. I know I'm the unreasonable one for this, so I'm not saying anything bad about him.

I suppose half of it is just about me not trusting another mans word. I think I'm scared of getting close to another human now.

It is VERY early days: you don't yet know him well. Dating as you are makes sense and could simply continue for a few years. What in his behaviour is giving you the sense he's wishing to move in in future?

Also, fine to be "in a relationship" and bf/gf without any prospect of living together in the foreseeable future.

Suggest limiting his contact with your DC for a long while.

He's met them a couple of times, at big friends party type things that he's been invited to also. They all get on.

It's really nothing he is doing. It's all my imagination and panic.

Thing is your projecting your desires today into the future. In 2 years you might to want marry him. You might not.

Also you dont quite believe that he is listening to you as you are not used to it. If you like him take him at his word and see what happens

You're!! Dog

Doh not dog!! Bloomin' phone. Can't see why there can't be an edit function!!!!

Just live in the now. You cannot predict the future. Stop overthinking.

You know you can live without this man. Have confidence that you can respect your needs and police your boundaries and enjoy being in a relationship with someone.

If your spidey senses are tingling then listen.

If you not then stop thinking about problems up ahead that don't exist.

You can do it

I agree with noego. Be very strict but kind to yourself when it comes to.living in the present moment!! Don't think of the future, or wonder how he feels, or how you might feel. It may never even arrive. Live in the now.

I agree with others. It's very early days. He's not pressuring you, you're putting pressure on yourself. Just look forward to seeing him one date at a time

Are you all just lovely? :)