Ending an internet date thing without ghosting

[isntitapip]

I've been dating a decent man recently. About 5-6 dates in a few months (1 every couple of weeks approximately). We message every few days. We've dtd twice (it was pretty bad both times which doesn't help). I've decided he's not for me. He's lovely, good looking, great dad to his 4 kids, nothing wrong with him at all (dtd was so bad I started going off him after that though I thought I'd give it a chance to get better).
We're meant to go out tonight. I don't want to. He's just not for me. How do I tell him? I'm so bad at this, I've actually lost sleep last night thinking about it. Is a text ok? How do I word it?
Previous to meeting me he'd not had sex for 2 years, I don't want to damage is confidence. Please help!

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth

I'd say you're more of a coward than the cold hearted bitch you clearly wish to come across as.

Definitely call or text. I've been ghosted and although it highlighted issue I needed to resolve it triggered an immense amount of anxiety and physical symptoms.

I would send a text, let him down gently, tell him it's just not working and then block him so you don't get any come back ( I have done this before).

A text is not fine! I can't believe that so many of you are suggesting a text.

Have you no manners at all. Treat him with some respect, please op.

I'm another i would actually hate a phone call, id much rather recieve a text it allows me to save face

I kind of always think people who bang on about calling or face to face it's more about the being seen to have done the right thing rather than really considering the other person's feelings

Who wants to have to go through that? A text is reasonable in the digital age and i totally concur about not mentioning sex that would be quite unintentionally cruel

Texting is fine to let him know. You don't owe this guy anything, and certainly not a cringeworthy face to face convo re why you're not that into him. Yes you've slept together etc ... it's dating & shit happens. Just say that although you enjoyed your time together you just feel that he's not for you. The ghosting is rude, just be honest and send it over text ( but don't mention the terrible sex as that's something that can really damage his confidence and that's not nice) just say that you don't think you are compatible.

Just texting is fine.

I'd much rather receive a text than an awkward phone call.

That way there's no pressure to reply.

Texting is fine. I would hate to go to the bother of getting ready for a night out only to get there and be told I was dumped.

Email runs a risk of not being read in time and I find most phone calls terribly awkward these days anyway so a text means he has time to process your deed alone.

Another one here who would prefer a text as that way I could absorb if in my own time.

Besides how awful would if be yo get a call like this on the bus or something?

Crikey how bad was he?!

I'd text saying something loose along the lines of going to have to reschedule our date to another time, will be in touch. Then don't!

Are we allowed to ask what was so bad about the sex? Go on, spill!

Oh and I'm trying to imagine being in his shoes. I think maybe a really nice text would be an easier way of letting him down. Less awkward for you both. Fine to use cliches, they soften the blow, make it about you not him and then block his number.

Any chance you can make the sex better? Ie would he listen to what you asked of him?

I want the gory sex details too.

Good luck op.

I'd rather have a text. Phone calls are so difficult! Hope it goes ok op whatever you decide to do.

People who go on about how it needs to be face to face...

Come on now. How is it better to force someone to be watched as they receive news of rejection? I would rather DIE than have a short term rs broken off face to face. So horrifically awkward. Text is MUCH more comfortable for the dumpee.

It's the dumper who wants to feel they've been an upstanding citizen by doing things f2f.

Also, with v manipulative or insecure people, f2f is just an agonising opportunity for them to beg and plead and lose their dignity, in public even. It's so unkind to enable that!

It's one thing if it's a committed relationship of more than a year. Then you should have enough intimacy that rejection, while agonising, isn't as awkward/embarrassing, so f2f might give closure of some kind. And you'd have seen it coming anyway because you know the person a bit.

Six dates and 2 dtds? No WAY would I want to come out for a lovely date only to be dumped at some coffee shop. Let me know in the privacy of my own home so I can cringe in comfort...

I've been OLD for a little while and far, far prefer to get a text than a call.
Gives me the time to absorb it and then send a carefully worded and graceful response, leaving everything amicable.
Calls or face to face are horribly awkward. And ghosting is just nasty.

I would prefer a text too, so I could digest things but I know a lot of people on here have said that's horrible and I'm trying to avoid being horrible. I did txt in the end but offered a call. We messaged back and forth a bit and he said he was disappointed but I seem to have (I think) handled it ok and upset him as little as possible.
For those of you who asked, yes the sex was seriously bad. Unfortunate as we were getting in great and I really liked him. The first time we'd had a lot to drink and it just didn't happen. He couldn't "perform". Fair enough I thought. But then the next morning he didn't really seem interested in trying again. It was all a bit awkward and cringy. Then he invited me to his for dinner the following week, had a lovely time, sat on his sofa, I was trying to snuggle in but he just wasn't all that affectionate. It was just bizzare. At one point he said "I feel like we should be doing something", I'm thinking duh, yeah, me too. He proceeded to get a pack of cards out and we played cards for ages until he suggested going to bed. Only when we were in bed with the lights totally off do it was pitch black did he make his move. I couldn't see what I was doing, it was just fumbly and I couldn't relax. Next morning, same again, no interest despite me showing a bit of interest and I was wearing my best bloody underwear! (And his house was dirty and he's clearly not put on clean sheets or cleaned the bathroom which is another issue).
Yes I get he was probably nervous, I could work with that, but it was the lack of interest that made me uncomfortable. He clearly likes me enough to want to keep seeing me but if there's no sex drive it's never going to work for me.

You did the right thing.

I'm another one who would prefer a text to a call or face to face.

I did it by text to a guy I was seeing a month, he was not impressed that I ended it by text but I would prefer to be dumped by text than by phone...

Modern dating is different to how people might remember things. Everything is done over text including break ups.

People who say they aren't impressed about being dumped via text are generally just really upset about being dumped. And need something besides that to get upset about.

You'll see the same situation when they are dumped f2f - they will complain that they had to go out and meet you just to get dumped.

It's inevitable feelings will be hurt so may as well do unto others as you'd have then do unto you I guess. Which for me is via text

Why do people block numbers for no reason? I always see 'text and then block' when there is no reason to think they're about to be harassed!

It's done and dusted now op but i think most people would rather be texted so it worked out ok.

I'm interested in the bad sex, though. Was he happy with it?

If a man wants more, he was certainly happy. If he had an orgasm, or not, that tells you nothing. Men dont come out and say 'sorry hun, your a dud root' unless they are bastards, but they can certainly think it.

I think the method depends on what the usual way of communicating has been and how long a couple have been together. Ideally, long term relationships should be ended face to face I think. I don't think it's necessary for something short lived as it can be horribly awkward for both people, especially if done in public on a date. Phone calls can be awkward too, especially if the dumpee will be upset and, like face to face, it can mean emotions on display which might not be a good thing. If people only chat via text them I think it's fine to end a short relationship by a carefully worded text. It allows the dumpee to process things in private and in their own time. Ghosting is for cowards and c**ts, is so lacking in empathy, and is a shitty thing to do even after just 1 date.