Is it me? Sorry long

[Enough]

Some sound advice please.

My DH and I have had issues in the past year or so with him going out drinking (to let of steam) which is okay with me. He has on occasion not come home at all or very very late. NOT okay with me. Hasn't done that for a while, thankfully. What he does do however is not call me. It drives me INSANE with anger - feels so disrespectful. I have tried writing to him to explain how it makes me feel (I tend to get rather emotional, and start to cry which makes me angry with myself which I then take out on him for putting me in that situation to begin with), talking to him, screaming at him, shouting, crying - you name it I have tried it. Well he did it again last night and I am so pissed off and upset and saddened - after all the "I wont do it again" he did.

I feel I cannot just sit back and take it (he called at 11 pm to say he'd been out for a drink -well I f.... worked that out by then!!!). Doesn't help I'm pg and probably feel more vulnerable right now. And a SAHM depending on him for every penny.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it not common courtesy to call if you're not going to be home normal time? Should mention that when we first got married it was completely opposite. He was so insecure and I really had to curb my behaviour which i did. I am not jealous - just want some respect. I feel especially upset as I have tried to explain again and again that what bugs me is that i feel by not calling he is shitting point blank on my feelings despite telling him this.

Any advice on how to tackle the situation now - I want to take DD and leave for a bit - so he can sit here wondering where I am and when I 'll be back? But it's not practical and maybe a bit drastic - worried where it might lead. But I do want to amke him understand that it's not acceptable to me anymore

Sorry big rant. Any ideas?

do you ever go out?

I understand how you feel enough, and Im really sorry Ive got nothing to suggest. Exp used to do it. He played football every Weds, and would go out drinking with his mates after. Once when it was my birthday, I went out for a meal with my friends. I really enjoyed myself as I dont always get to go out with them much since having dd. But when I got home, it was "where have you been!? thought you were going out for just a meal!?" Its like Im not entitled to have a drink with my friends!! Sorry to rant on but he really made me mad over it too. Hope another mumsnetter can help you out

Tammybear - we crossed threads!

Enough - how often does this happen? Is he still insecure/controlling with you? Are there other things you are unhappy about in the relationship. Just I am a little concerned about you from the reference to you having to "curb" your behaviour.

Bundle - yes but not very often and definitely often enough. We tend to go out together - but I should go out more without him.

Sorry that should read definitely not often enough.

He is being unreasonable. Who is he drinking with?

I imagine he must have some sort of issue at the moment to treat you this way? Do you have any idea what it could be?

I would be tempted to tell him that his behaviour is upsetting you so much that you are tempted to have a little 'holiday' from it all. Perhaps that would spur him into telling you what is up with him at the moment.

The curbing of behavior was a reference to early days where I cut back on going out with mates etc, drinking less (can get very contrary when drunk, my words) as he couldn't take it. He have a substantial age gap that he had some insecureties about - always worried I would meet someone my age and "wake" up and walk out. I made some compromises then.

Foxinsocks - he is potentially in the middle of a career change which will take us abroad. I know this is a big deal (for us all). I don't have a problem with him venting by drinking with colleagues (he is in city and is very "normal". It is not the drinking i mind, it is the not calling me I mind.

Didn't mean to wink there.

Maybe you need to decide upon a rule and stick to it. For example, if you are going to be home later than 9pm I want a phone call. If you are not home by that time, I'll assume something's happened to you and call your mum, dad, brothers, sisters and ask them if they have heard from you. Or could he perhaps have a day a week where he is allowed to go out drinking as long as he likes (dh and I used to do this on a Thursday pre-kids).

I think he has to compromise and if he's not willing to, you need to ask him why not because he's not showing you the respect you deserve.

What does he say when he comes home?

Enough
This happened to me a long time ago pre dd. Dh grew out of it, I think, mainly by changing job - he didn't socialise as much in the new job. It used to drive me absolutely bananas, so lots of sympathy. Maybe the career change will help to sort it out.....

Have you tried sitting down and saying 'imagine how you would feel if .....', 'can you see it from my point of view.....', that sort of thing?

Foxinsocks, lalaa

Well last night he didn't say anything - I was pissed off and already in bed. I went to spare bedroom as I might have killed him if he snored. This morning he didn't say anything - except to mention he had called. I would normally lay into him and say imgaine how you would feel etc but decided to play it cool first. So he said nothing and I said nothing. He is probably relieved and I have been seething all day. Doing saying nothing is not an option for me.

Oh here he comes - will report back later.

Hi, I know how you feel and I am sorry, its hell to live with. I find that anticipating those kind of nights is the worst part, you're on a knife edge. I think if you show your distress it makes them worse cos they think, well I'm already a bit late, dreading a scene so may as well be hung for a sheep etc. I'd try to be calm and say, I don't mind if you go out I just like to know cos I've a household to run and I worry. And see how it goes for a bit. Its up to yr dh to be responsible at the end of the day and see the value of what he has at home.
Also I don't think men necessarily enjoy the drinking thing as much as we imagine they do, its partly habit, machismo, and the ability to switch off from responsibilty.
This probably doesn't help. Obviously you can't ignore his behaviour and obviously its upsetting I just think that reacting emotionally is counterproductive (speaking as someone who had steaming rows with dp over this). And no, you can't ignore it either. But it sounds like he's improved over time and hope he will continue to do so. Good luck, and keep talking. If he loves you its a major part of the equation. I don't think this kind of thoughtless behaviour is ever meant personally though it feels excruciatingly personal. I do wish you the very best XX

Thank you all for taking the time and effort to respond to my rant.

Wild - just what I needed to hear. You and Lalaa sound exactly as if you've been there. I know it's not personal - but it still feels like it.

Couldn't stop myself ranting yet again (I have been seething all day) but he took it all - give him his due. This will never happen again (?) but at least I know he doesn't mean to shit on me.

I really love him and it makes me so cross that something so "small" should become something so big - not worth it. He promises (again).

I'll wait and see - but so far so good.

NO real advice enough, but I have btdt, or arther my dh has. Like you, I never really minded if he went out without notice, it was the going out and not telling me that got me. Even though you know that he's in apub somewhere you can't help but think he'd lying dead somewhere can you?
Dh did just seem to grow out of it - I'd ranted, spoken calmly, stayed out myself, but I'm not sure what it was that finally made him realise that if he called he'd just get a nice conversation and no huge arguemnt ion the morning. He's out atm, but I will ask him when I see him tomorrow what changed him.

Prufock - thanks I would like to know what he says.

Enough, how are you? hope things are better.

Final update (I hope)

Since having it out everything has been fine. I had planned to be out the following evening when he returned - so wanted him to know what it is like - unfortunately couldn't get babysitter. I told him my plans and he made some noises that definitely were not of the agreeable sort. He would have been really pissed off if I had done that and would probably have started major battle between us. So glad it could be "solved" without battle - but if there's a next time I'll pull everything out of my bag and fire at him. He knows there will be no more empty threats from me - let's hope we never get there.

Thank you all for your time and advice.

I have to say that I would find it TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE if dh didn't come home at all, and hadn't rung me.

I would be pretty p*ssed off to be honest even if he rang me and said he wasn't coming home.

The bachelor days are gone, and altho' we are both entitled to nights out enjoying ourselves, I would be a bit concerned if the enjoyment included not coming home at all.

But then dh and I enjoy each other's company, and respect each other and why we got married in the first place.

Could you try turning the tables on him by going out and not letting him know where you're going and then come home later than he thinks you're going to be. He probably justs sees it that you're nagging him at the moment. However, if it was him sitting at home waiting for you to get in he may start to understand why it's not nice. I do speak from experience on this one and it did work with me. I have also been in his position and know how nice it is to go for a drink after work and not worry about when you're going to get home. He really needs to understand why you're upset. How are things going since you first posted?

I am very laid back but this is the one thing that really causes me to fly off the handle. I can't bear it when dh is later than he said and doesn't call me.

Yes it is selfish and unreasonable. You can always get to a phone or send a text in this day and age. His pathetic excuses have included being in a meeting late and it being embarrassing in front of client - so what? Go to the loo. All I need is one line of text saying not back till 12 or something. As far as I'm concerned he can be as late as he likes so long as I'm not lying awake thinking about him being blown up by Al Quaeda or run over by a bus.