Found messages

[KyotoG]

Long time MNer but some of my other posts are probably quite identifying and I don't want them matched up to this until I get my head around things.

DP and I have lived together for nearly a year. I love him so much and although he's not always great at showing it, I thought he loved me too.

Things have been a bit strained lately, I've been stressed at work and not sleeping well so my mood has been low and the atmosphere between us quite fraught but he is usually very understanding and it doesn't cause massive issues.

Just before we moved in together he was drunk and confessed to having messaged another girl. I know he has never met her but the fact he was messaging her because he got cold feet about moving in really hurt. He was so apologetic, I forgave him, we moved on.

Tonight I went onto his phone, I'm not proud of it and I wouldn't usually invade his privacy but I found a Whatsapp conversation with a girl who lives in a nearby town. Conversation initiated by him, she has sent pictures of herself naked and he has replied with "oh wish i was there". She asked him to meet up in the town we live next week and he lied and said he was going away to the city for a few days. I'm guessing she's not aware he has a girlfriend and I don't blame her for this, I blame him.

I don't know what to do. I uprooted my whole life to be with him and if I leave I'd need to do so again. I never thought he'd do this again, he's helped me through some really hard times the last few months, I thought he truly cared about me

So sorry, didn't want to read and run. He wants to have an affair with this girl, I would guess that he has probably no issue with being unfaithful to you and wasn't really sorry about the messaging last time, he just told you what you wanted to hear at that time.

If confronted I'm sure he will tell you some crap excuse as to why he agreed to meet her but it will be just that, an excuse. He may even try to blame it on you being stressed and making him feel like that!

You have uprooted your life for this man but sad to say he doesn't care about that. Don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy, better that you find out now and disentangle yourself from him having only wasted a year
Iiving with him that find out that he's always done this 10, 15 or 20 years from now!

Thanks for your reply Red, I'm not sure he intends on meeting her/acting on it- when she asked to meet he lied to her and said he would be out of town.

Regardless of that, the messaging is still wrong.

I'll need to move out of our flat and find somewhere else, I have no support here but can't move back to my hometown either. I feel so stupid.

You're not stupid, he is. I couldn't trust my boyfriend anymore if he did something like that.

You're not stupid. Don't say that about yourself. It's healthy and normal to trust someone you love. That all you were doing - trusting someone you love.

Not sure you can really come back from this can you? It's such early days and this is what he's up to... I mean... Stay if you must, but you need to accept from here on out that he is probably always going to have some kind of sordid text relationship going on in the background. I don't think you want that do you?

And don't blame yourself by saying you've been stressed. It's a reasonable expectation for you to assume your live in bf is not sexting other people, whether you've had a rough go at work or not...

I've felt like he's sort of checked out the past week or so. The messaging started on Wednesday so I guess I'm right.

I know I need to leave, I wont be able to trust him again. Just another failed relationship, I'm never enough for anyone.

Kyoto... All relationships are temporary. All of them. It's not a failure when something ends. It's just the end of something. Not a reflection on anyone.

Be kind to you. You've done nothing wrong.

Please do not think this is your fault or that you aren't enough for him. The problem lies within him, but I wouldn't invest more time in the relationship.

He probably thinks that by having it online and sexting it's not cheating.

Keep a calm head and make plans to leave.

Why can't you move home?

I work and study in this town. Part of the reason I moved here was to cut out a 1.5hr each way commute which was leaving me knackered and I never saw my son (early starts/long shifts). There is no work for me back there at all either. Plus I love living here.

Do you have children together? How old is your son?

Don't feel stupid try to see this relationship as a way to have helped you move to a new place and get settled.You love where you live, that's a big plus on your life.

Don't stay with a man who does this, he will no doubt have excuses but he's weak and unable to go through life without his ego being stroked.You found this out which is really good news.

Take a few days to process the shock and start looking at places to move to.Once you feel on firmer ground then you can discuss moving.

I am sure he will be full of excuses and may blame you but just know hes not a man you can trust to build a future with.

You never regret walking away from a bad relationship and as someone who's leaving a long marriage I wish I had not ignored issues early on as they only get worse and you become weaker.

Sorry KyotoG I read your op last night as him having told you he was going away so that he could be with her, obviously I got it the wrong way round. However, what he has done is still cheating of a sort, he is getting his ego stroked and his kicks by messaging this girl and for it to have gone as far as her sending naked pictures it's gone quite a long way. Your relationship is still in its early days and for him to have already done this sort of thing a couple of times means that his values and yours are not the same. For him to have done this means that he is the sort of man who thinks that it's ok so long as you don't know about it. Can you imagine what he would be like in a few years time when yours is a long established relationship possibly with children involved!

Also, this is not your failure! This is entirely down to him. He is the one who has an issue.

As pp said use this as a positive, you love where you live, you are studying towards your and your DC's future happiness and security and by moving with him it has made it possible for you to relocate to this town and now you know that it is better for you to stay there you know it is the right place to be even if he isn't the right person for you to be with.

Son is 9 from a previous relationship.

DP was asleep last night when I found the messages, I can't bring myself to broach it yet. I need to get my head around it first. I don't even know how I want to bring it up.