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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law refusing to see us or our children

14 replies

Eesha · 21/07/2017 22:35

Just looking for a few coping strategies here. My MIL is a very difficult person, being estranged from most of her family and her grandchildren. She will argue and not talk to family members for months on end. She has a real problem with my husband who had to move away for work and she resents him not being near her. She cannot get over this even though he goes out of his way to try and make her understand. All her existing grandchildren seem to dislike her because she has been nasty to each at different times plus has had very hard relationships with their mothers so this has impacted the relationships with their kids, whereas my children are too small to know any different. Even though I know how toxic she is, part of me feels sad for my children that their grandma doesn't care for them. I think she has depression but which manifests itself in a very toxic way. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced a toxic relationship like this and how they coped. Is this just a really bizarre situation?

OP posts:

highteaplease · 21/07/2017 22:41

You said other grand kids hate her. Why do you want your kids to keep in touch with such person?

Cricrichan · 21/07/2017 22:45

Is she a narcissist? Look it up. If she is then you and your children and husband are better away from her.

tissuesosoft · 21/07/2017 22:45

We had similar with (NC) MIL. Vile person. Out of the 5 children her and her current partner have (none together) only one speaks to them. They have 6 grandchildren between them and they don't see any of them. Glad we are no contact now!

FrayedHem · 21/07/2017 23:03

My dad's mum was very similar to how you describe, and to certain extent my own mum is (though she hasn't turned on her grandchildren yet). It's fine to feel sad about the situation, but my experience is there really is no reasoning with a person like you describe. My mum cuts people out for what she perceives are slights against her, but the reality is actually a very different story.

sparechange · 21/07/2017 23:06

If she has been nasty to each of her grandchildren at some point, why on earth do you want your children to be anywhere near her, ever?
You are playing Russian Roulette with your own DCs every time you force them to be in contact with her

She is telling you who she is. You should listen...

FrayedHem · 21/07/2017 23:08

Oh and my coping strategy for my mum is not to bother to try and argue with her. She lives a fair distance away so contact is by phone. I make sure I call her a couple of times a week and chat about innocuous things. We did meet recently, but it was on neutral ground with my in-laws so there was little chance of it blowing up. When it comes around for my turn to being on the shitlist I just accept it.

My dad decided to go NC with his mum after she made awful comments about my cousins when I was about 7ish. He got back in touch with her when my brother and I were teens and went for the odd visit.

ExplodedCloud · 21/07/2017 23:15

Oh why would you offer up your children to someone who is horrible?
You might have had a lovely relationship with your grandparents and find it hard that your dc won't but she isn't capable of it :(

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2017 23:18

Your children not having this toxic harpy in their lives is probably for the best. Whatever your MIL's problems are, they are HER problem. Don't make them yours. I feel safe in assuming she is one of those people who is NEVER happy, and even if she gets what she wants, she will still find something to be miserable about. Well, let her carry on then, all by her miserable self. Be happy she isn't in your daily life.

Original poster

Eesha · 23/07/2017 09:52

Yes she always focuses on the negatives. And I think my husband has anger issues as a result. All the family have. I guess not everyone is meant to be a mother. My side are very maternal and I feel I want my children to have a big extended family, but they don't because of this. No meals out without arguing, no parties including them. It's awful.

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 23/07/2017 09:56

From dh being young mil said she never wanted to be a gm.

Ds came along and she has stuck to her word.
Dh went nc when he realised how hurt it made him that she would text or ring and ds was never mentioned. . We didn't even have her at our wedding. Been over 2 years now and he feels relieved she is out of his life.

ginswinger · 23/07/2017 10:03

I think it's a good lesson to tell your children that relationships shouldn't hurt. If you remain in a toxic relationship, it's not good for your self esteem. Put some distance and explain why to the kids.

Charmatt · 23/07/2017 10:05

My dad's mum (note I do not refer to her as grandma) was like this. She resented him for moving away though she could never be friends with all her other children at the same time. Every time we did visit she told my mum she was fat and then started on me when I got to my teenage years. Neither of us were overweight! At that point my Dad reduced his contact with her and it became one annual visit that me and my brothers would get out of if we could. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he didn't tell her because he was really suffering and he couldn't cope with her toxicity. He apologised to my mum for leaving her with the task of telling her. We stayed in touch for a couple more years but she got worse and worse so we broke off contact. She died a couple of years ago apparently....
One of her tactics for getting away with being so horrible was to threaten to write her children out of her will. It didn't work with my dad because he always believed that you make your own way, and wouldn't be held to ransom. When we broke off contact, I didn't miss her and had no feelings either way when she died.

Argeles · 23/07/2017 10:09

I think you've all had a luck escape from this woman.

Get on with your lives and enjoy yourselves, it is her who is missing out, and it's all her own fault.

ptumbi · 23/07/2017 10:39

You want an extended family, you want your kids to have a gradma, any grandma, so.... what? You force them to see her, even though she is toxic and may harm them mentally or physically?

Why would you do this?

Stop thinking of her as 'family' and start thinking of her as just one other person in the world - who may be acting in her own interests, for her own purposes, and that may not be the best for your own children. IE, would you force them to keep in touch with a neighbour who is horrible to them?

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